Magic: the Gathering News for November 2001
Herd of Elephants Thinning Rapidly
Dominaria -- The Dominaria Environmental Protection Agency began actions today against WOTC for an unforeseen result of the Introduction of the Odessey set; a rapid decrease in the Elephant Token population. Apparently, the Call of the Herd spell is so popular with mages that the Elephant Tokens called are reaching critically low numbers. The DEPA spokeman has this to say:
Casual Mage Tires of Masturbating to Serra Angel
Rochester, NY -- Local Magic player Randy Svenson, who plays casual group-games with three friends every Friday night, has finally grown weary of masturbating to the longtime Magic sexual icon, Serra Angel. Svenson, who has played Magic with his friends since the summer of 1995, has masturbated to the 4/4 flier an estimated 920 times since he first opened one from a 4th edition booster pack. The Angel has been the object of his affection in a nearly uninterrupted span ever since, broken only by the two-week rule of the female picture of Elvish Ranger in August 1996.
Apprehended Shoplifter Claims Only Trying to ‘Mise’
Vancouver, BC -- Yesterday, Darren Ranger, a 19 year old Vancouver resident, attempted to shoplift a pack of cigarettes and a Big Turk chocolate bar from a local 7-11 convenience store, but was apprehended by vigilant clerk, Marcus Singh. Upon noticing Ranger slip the items into his jacket pocket, and then watching him move to exit the store, Ramda shouted “stop!” Ranger, realizing he had been caught, turned around, shrugged, returned the items to Singh, and said “Sorry dude...I was just trying to mise.” Ramda, unsatisfied with the answer, and abiding my 7-11 store policy, began dialing the police. Ranger pleaded with Gautama: “you call the cops, I’ll call the cops... we’ll both just get failure to agree on reality warnings. Dude-- I scooped”, to no avail.
Internet Writer Boldly Claims Next Set Will Suck
A hopeful internet writer attempted to get a step ahead of the competition today by writing an article slamming the power level of the next yet-to-be-released set. Despite not yet having seen any sort of spoiler nor having any inside source, the writer felt confident that his assertions would pan out. Quoting from the yet to be published article, the set is chock full of "more bad reprints" and "crap rares." Apparently, we can look forward to "maybe 2 cards that I'd play in constructed" and a lot of cards that are "OK for limited, I guess." Look for the article soon to be published on either Brainburst, NGO, Mindripper, StarCity, 7Towers, The Magic Word, Cutting Edge Cards, CCGprime, or MTGPlanet, as all have reported receiving this article.
Gary Wise States the Obvious
In a stunning development, Gary Wise has written the second article in a multi-part series on drafting Odyssey Limited. Covering Black cards, he has managed to state the blindingly obvious, the completely obvious, and the 'yes, every single person who has ever played Magic knows that' obvious. . .
Mike Long Admits “My Story” Complete Lie
Barbourville, VA -- Mike Long, Pro Tour Paris Champion and perennial US Nationals top finisher, admitted today that his ongoing online article, “My Story”, is “complete bullshit.” The article, which focuses on Long’s personal experiences as a player, and tribulations with an uncaring DCI, contains many private details about his illustrious career.
Reality Hits 2002 Party Announced
Peter "PTR" Szigeti, mostly known for causing havoc where ever he roams, has announced a party to take place at PT: San Diego.
Long Manascrewed at GP Altanta
Atlanta, GA -- In his third round match against Eric Kesselman at GP Atlanta, Mike Long failed to draw an "appropriate number and selection" of land cards on his way to a two game loss to Kesselman.
LePine Penalized, Below PT Point Threshold
Merrimack, New Hampshire -- Mark LePine, Pro Tour Player from Merrimack, New Hampshire, was stunned to find on Monday that he had fallen below the PT Point threshold for "exemption from DCI rules enforcement" status, and has been suspended from sanctioned play for Unsportsmanlike Conduct.
Labarre Suspended for One Year
Fresh from his victory over juggernaut Kai Budde in GP: Biarritz, Nicholas Labarre of France was suspended from the DCI for one year. The official listed reason for the suspension was 'unsportsman-like conduct.' Our sources were able to gather some more specific details.
Wizards of the Coast Reveals New “Slammer” Mechanic
Renton, WA -- At a press conference earlier today, Wizards of the Coast revealed the new mechanic of Torment, the next Magic: the Gathering set. It’s called “Slammer”, and it’s like nothing you’ve ever seen. Mark Rosewater, lead set designer, explained, “first we had foils, then we had split cards. This is just a logical progression.”
Letter to the Editor: Deuteronomy 23:1
I enjoy the misetings.com page. I noted with interest the quote about Magic and other forms of "Evil" from the Christian Resource Center. Deuteronomy is a good book, but to my mind, the REALLY IMPORATANT verse is 23:1.
The Eternal Debate: Homelands vs. Fallen Empires
How many of you can remember the day Fallen Empires came out? Running over to your local hobby shop as soon as you were out of school or work, buying as many packs as you could for $20. How many of you remember opening that first pack and thinking “What the F$!K is a Thrull?” Well 5 years later, here we are. Still asking the same question. Our confusion only grew when, a few months later, Homelands was released. Now we had to ask ourselves “What the @$!# is a thrull, and should I play with them or Joven’s Ferrets?” Well today we will try to answer that question with an analysis of both sets and what they brought to the game of magic.
Wise Seeks Restraining Order on Rizzo
A court hearing has been scheduled for Dec. 5 following Gary Wise's request for a restraining order against Internet rabble-rouser John 'Friggin' Rizzo. The difficulties began a few weeks ago when Rizzo wrote in one of his weekly tirades that Wise would be the one person in the world whom he'd most like to fight. Wise then responded "Bring it on," in his Wise Words article.
Local Scrub Confused by Dead Ringers
Local scrub James Lehrer,19, has been unable to understand the cryptic text of dead ringers despite reading it 17 times. "What the fuck? Destroy two target non-black creatures unless one is a color the other isn't?" asks Lehrer, "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
GP Atlanta Held In Concert With Religious Convention
Atlanta, GA -- Last Sunday, Keepers of the Faith were shocked to discover a Magic: The Gathering tournament taking place in the same venue. One pair of fanatics, deep in conversation, accidentally stumbled upon the room full of demonic gamers.
Jeff Fung Returns, Wins Grand Prix Hong Kong
Wan Chai, Hong Kong -- Jeff Fung, often referred to as "The Bobby Fischer of Magic," made his triumphant return to Tournament Magic with a stunning victory in the finals of Grand Prix-Hong Kong.
Some Guy Finally Gets Feature Match
Atlanta, GA -- At this weekend's Grand Prix Atlanta Joshua "X" Claytor, known popularly as "some guy", finally received the feature match he has been seeking since being snubbed in Minneapolis. "I was paired against four name players, and never once got a feature match, nor was my deck on the name players listing," wrote a then irate Claytor. "What do I have to do to get noticed?" Apparently, all Claytor had to do was write.
Kai Budde to Write a Book
Hamburg, Germany -- In a recent press release, Kai Budde, also known as das Jüggernaüt, has implied his interest in writing a book. The working title, "Of Mise and Men", pretty much reveals the general style of the book.
Magic the Gathering: The Movie, the Interview
Hollywood, CA -- Recently, rumors started circulating about a new movie being made, based on the popular card game Magic the Gathering. Here we bring you an exclusive interview with one of the producers of this soon-to-be-hit movie, who has asked to remain anonymous, at a popular Hollywood bistro.
Cheating Scare Spawns Paranoia known as "McCarrelism"
Since Casey McCarrel’s disqualification from this year’s US Nationals, and subsequent five year ban from the game, awareness of potential deck manipulation and sleight-of-hand has risen dramatically. Several players report feeling pressured to rat out potential "McCarrelists".
Finkel Sues Satan for Breach of Contract
Dismayed at his recent lack of total and utter success, Finkeltron has finally decided to file a civil lawsuit against Satan. Jon claims that Lucifer has broken a contract first signed 4 years ago, in which Finkel forfeited his ever-lasting soul to el Diablo in exchange for the title of best Magic player of all time.
Atlanta Airport Closes, Brian Davis says "Mise"
Atlanta, GA -- Atlanta's Hartsfield International Airport shut down Friday at noon after an unidentified man ran through a security checkpoint with a gun. With all incoming and outgoing traffic on hold, numerous Magic players suddenly found their plans to attend the Grand Prix thwarted.
"Man Who Never Mised" Continues Impressive Losing Streak
NATICK, MA-- Local gamer Noel Eicher has amassed a mind-boggling 51 match losing streak in sanctioned Constructed play. The streak has been accumulated during the course of his last 23 Constructed tournaments, involving such formats as Invasion Block Constructed, Standard, Extended, and Classic.
Trey Van Cleave Suspended
In recent news, long-time Grand Prix standout Trey Van Cleave has been suspended from DCI play for 365 days for his attempted bribe of Michael Sigrist during Pro Tour New Orleans.
Green Pumps Fist, Blue Kicks Can Down Alley
Renton, WA -- During a press conference following the release of Odyssey, a spokesperson for Green said "We've been working really hard to become the best magical colour, and our efforts have finally been rewarded. During Invasion Block, we had some solid attempts like Harrow ranging up to some fair beatings like Pernicious Deed but ultimately Fact or Fiction was just too good. Now, however, we have Call of the Herd and blue has...Traumatize", this prompting bouts of laughter from the assembled press.
Eric Taylor to Eat His Hat
Showing his disgust for Kai Budde's recent string of Pro Tour victories, Eric Taylor vowed, "If Kai wins Pro Tour New Orleans, I'll eat my hat!" Knowing the probability of the man winning yet another Pro Tour was extremely low, Eric felt comfortable making such a decree. Unfortunately, Eric forgot to take into account that Kai is really an omnipotent extra-terrestrial in disguise.
Hundreds Protest Name of 'Benzo' Deck
Somerville, MA- Peaceful demonstations turned into chaos at Your Move Games today as what had been a rally against the naming of YMG's wildly successful reanimator deck's unfortunate name.
Foil Lands Fail To Win Match
For the second match running, local player Hamish Green's supply of foil basic lands has failed to win the match, resulting in a disappointing 0-2 start to a 4 round FNM tournament. Reports indicate that Hamish was laying foil basic land after foil basic land but somehow he was still beaten by his opponents 'spells' which, while being cheaper than Hamish's pricey mana supply, seemed to have more of an effect on the game.
Bennett Informed, "Incompetence" Not In Job Description
Last weekend, Josh Bennett, Canadian and long time Sideboard reporter, was surprised to learn that "general incompetence" and "giving players tips" were not in his feature match reporter job description. "So, hold on. If they're making a bad play, or mana burning, or something, I'm not supposed to tell them about it? Just hold on a second.
Jesse Cornelissen Fails to Deliver
Recently, the Sideboard’s Fantasy Pro Tour has gained considerable popularity: New Orleans’ contest alone boasted over 2,000 competitors. With this increased participation, came increased rivalry. Players were hushed over their top picks, which included Bob Maher Jr, Jon Finkel, and virtual unknown, Jesse Cornelissen. The player, whose best finish is top 256 at London ‘00, was quickly recognized as "somehow linked" to two-time Pro Tour finalist, Kamiel Cornelissen, and garned more fantasy selections than Pro Tour regulars such as Gary Wise and Brian Kibler. "I thought it was his brother, or like, a cousin or something," commented one participant, Richard Haoen. Entering the tournament, Jesse was widely expected to deliver at least a top 32 finish.
Trey Gets the Boot, Pikula Qs for San Diego
New Orleans, LA -- Upon looking at the standings after the final round of swiss competition saturday, Chris Pikula was disapointed to find himself placed 33rd. Pikula finished one place shy of top 32, which would have qualified him for upcoming Pro Tour San Diego. "There's still hope," Pikula joked, "Trey Van Cleave is ahead of me in the standings." Unknown to Pikula, Trey Van Cleave was actually at that very moment being investigated for possible cheating.
Kai Unsure How to Spend Other Two Wishes
Hamburg, Germany -- After returning to Germany this Monday, Kai Budde, five time Pro Tour champion, faced a worrisome decision: How to best utilize the two remaining wishes bestowed upon him by the Genie of the Lamp. "I guess I could wish to win the lottery. But why? I’ve already got more money than God. I still need some foils, I guess."
Budde Victorious, Is He Human?
New Orleans, LA -- Once again, Magic superstar Kai Budde took home the big check this weekend, winning Pro Tour New Orleans with his Illusions/Donate deck. This victory marks the 3rd individual Pro Tour victory for the German Juggernaut. Budde also has an invitational, team pro tour, world championship, and two player of the year titles in his resume. Some would consider him to be the best player in the game, yet others question whether Kai has an unfair advantage over other competitors. Specifically, many suspect that Kai is in fact not human and is using his special powers unscrupulously. While many have long suspected Budde of being some sort of alien lifeform for quite some time, no evidence to back such theories has been discovered until this event.