Magic: the Gathering News for December 2001
Aspiring PTQ Player "Rolls" Manascrewed Pro
St. Paul, Minnesota — Local player Tad Reems was visibly elated following a decisive victory over Sam Stewart, a Minneapolis player with Pro Tour experience. The win, which occurred between the rounds of a weekly Saturday night Odyssey draft, consisted of a single game during which Stewart failed to draw a third land, or any of his numerous two-drops, despite casting two Sleight of Hands and an Opt.
WOTC announces Magic Online, IRL Magic to be Free
Renton, Washington — After receiving negative press for the proposed payment structure of their soon to be released Magic Online game, Wizards of the Coast has announced that it has revised both it's payment structure and corporate philosophy.
Pro Player Qualifies, Credits Internet
"Pro" player Achmed Ben Achmed Al-Achad, 16, qualified for Pro Tour Osaka last Saturday with an "Illusions-Donate" deck he found on the internet. Achmed's parents are among the elite few in the area who can afford a computer.
Learning the Lingo: Mise
What does it mean to "mise?" Who are "misers?" What is this "mising" thing all about? These are the questions that have been filling up my inbox for the last couple weeks. As MiseTings readership has grown from a small number of Pro Tour elite and people "in the know" to several thousand regular readers, the percentage of readers who don't know the elite Magic lingo has increased to a point where it is past time to start explaining these things!
Top Draft Pick Kamahl Demands $2 Million Signing Bonus
SAGINAW, MI - Kamahl, Pit Fighter, the first pick in a Friday night Rochester draft at a Saginaw card store, has stated that he will not play for drafter Ben Clarke unless Clarke pays a $2 million signing bonus up front.
Jamie Wakefield Back From The Dead
Middlebury, Vermont — Beloved internet writer and Magic personality Jamie Wakefield has risen from the dead, sources say. Following his unexpected and little publicized demise two years ago, stories of Wakefield sightings and sham-interviews have filled the media. However, reports out of Middlebury, Vermont say that the famed spellcaster has climbed out of his unmarked grave and now exists somewhere between life and death, driven by a relentless desire for human flesh.
Mike Flores' Magic Vocabulary Continues to Impress Nobody
Despite his best attempts to the contrary, Sideboard.com writer Mike Flores has continued to impress nobody at all with his incredible array of Magic vocabulary.
Metagame Madness Writer Plots Return, Revenge
Theron Martin, former writer of the Metagame Madness series of articles, is secretly plotting a dramatic return to the collectible card game spotlight- with a new series of Metagame Madness articles. With his ban from playing any games made by Wizards of the Coast, he currently plans to write articles on CCGs produced by Decipher.
Wizards of the Coast Announces Change to Type One
Seattle, Washington — Coming fast off the heels of the Fact or Fiction restriction, Wotc has announces yet another change to Type One gaming. The recent announcement has to do with Type One's long standing abscence from sanctioned tournaments. A Wizards representative stated, "We at wizards would like to apologise for ignoring the type one players for so long, and to correct our mistakes, we will be changing our attitude towards the format.", the spokemen continued by adding "Effective January First, wizards will stop ignoring the format, and instead, publicly humiliate it and heckle its most loyal fans."
Are Creatureless Decks Viable in Standard?
Are creatureless decks viable in the current standard metagame? Todays most popular internet writers speak out on this topic.
Jason Opalka Still Searching for "Other Half"
Jason Opalka, notoriously known as "The King", has managed to misplace half of himself.
New Floor Rules to be Introduced in San Diego
Magic: The Gathering has long been a game geared towards men. Wizards of the coast has tried on many occasions to introduce women to the game, such as the Women’s Open, but the turnout was not high. As an effect of this, and in an effort to reduce the amount of players wishing to be qualified for the Pro Tour and clogging up PTQs everywhere, Wizards of the Coast has stated that all Pro level events must be played in the nude, starting in San Diego. Reactions were mixed by players already on the tour when they were told about this new rule.
Kai Budde's Legendary Skill Not Helping Him Get Laid
Hamburg, Germany — In a revealing interview Kai Budde lamented that magic was not popular with "hot chicks". He explained that although he did not start playing magic for the girls, it would be nice to get "some ass once in a while".
Kai Budde's True Identity Revealed
Hamburg, Germany — People across the globe have been wondering why Kai Budde has not appeared at any Grand Prix events recently. Is he done with the game, has he made enough money for now, or has he been busy with something else? It would be hard to believe a jolly fellow like Kai would up and quit Magic. Ever since he dyed his hair white though, no one is sure what to believe...
Ask a Donais
Dear Jeff Donais, I don't know what to do! My boyfriend was talking about marriage a few months ago and I told him I wasn't sure. Now I think he feels insulted, and I have a hunch that he's cheating on me. How can I find out what's really going on?
Gamer Defeats Gothic Opponent, Fails to Mise Hot Vampire Chick
Birmingham, Alabama — In a local store tournament, 250 lb wannabe pro playa' Joe "Titanic" Welty grinned cheerfully as he settled in to unleash the beats against his highly hair sprayed opponent. The unnamed goth playing his mono-black highlander deck fell quickly to a barrage of FTK's and elephant tokens.
Tournament Cancelled by Savage Mise
Pikeville, KY — For the first time in history the Magic vocabulary that was popularized by Mike Flores actually altered the course of a Magic tournament, when a Magic tournament was suddenly ended by an evacuation.
Man Brutally Murders Young Boy After Buying Sleeves
Davis, CA — The infamous "Sleeve Slayer" was finally captured and taken into custody yesterday. Adam G. was arrested Tuesday in connection with a recent murder at the local card shop. On Saturday afternoon Adam G. walked into an unnamed sports card and gaming shop to purchase a box of "Ultra Pro" card sleeves for his extended deck. After opening the box, a witness quoted him as saying "What the hell? These sleeves are all different sizes. How am I supposed to qualify for the pro tour with this bull shit?" Officials say that he then went on a rampage and brutally stabbed and murdered a young boy known only as Wesley.
Casual Gamer Unable to Comprehend Enemy's Attack
Pine Bluff, Arkansas — Area man, Josh Lipsinki, 23, grew furious today when Peter Nielsen, 22, attacked him with a Spiritmonger. All of Mr. Lipsinki's creatures were killed by an earlier unexpected Simoon and rendered him unable to block.
Wakefield Spotted in Convenience Store
An area man reported last week that he had spotted former Magic Legend Jamie Wakefield buying Twinkies in a neighborhood convenience store. Known affectionately as 'The King of the Fatties,' the community has been lamenting the loss of Wakefield to Asheron's Call for years.
Magic Player Defeats God Himself
Geddes Cooper has always been a controversial member of the magic community. However, in a twisted turn of events this past weekend he has finally put an end to the blatant mockery he receives with his crushing defeat of god himself.
Female with Below-Average Attractiveness Receives Above-Average Attention
GLENVIEW, IL -- At a recent PTQ, Connie Smith received a bewildering amount of attention from her male peers, as one of only two females in attendance. This phenomenon was particularly puzzling since Connie can best be described as "homely."
73% of Indiana Mages not Aware of "Main Phase B"
Unlike the often forgotten "Untap" and "Draw" phase, most Indiana players appear to not even recognize the post-combat main phase. Fred Dooley, a local player, was asked about the phases of Magic, "Well in general you pick up a card from your stack, play your creatures, fight, and then take mana burn."
The Eternal Debate: Homelands vs. Fallen Empires
With Homelands Wizards of the Coast didn’t continue the popular theme decks, with few exceptions. They didn’t give us any new archetypes to exploit. At first glance you might say to yourself “Why did tree’s have to die for this set?” But if you look at the cards and think about the synergy they had in the standard environment of the day it could really be quite impressive. Homelands took the role of a support set, to enhance the previous expansion sets that were released. Lets delve into this mysterious set and see how well it did.
Ask Mike Flores
Dear Flores, I've been happily married for five years and I really love my wife, but lately I think she's cheating on me. We rarely have sex anymore and she's spending a lot of time with my best friend, who has always seemed to be attracted to her. Is she cheating, or am I just being paranoid?
New Study on Effects of Foils
Wizards of the Coast, unbeknownst to the Magic community, has been doing a study of the long-term effects of foil cards on Magic players of different skill level. Players of varying ability according to DCI rating were used for these tests. The results are alarming. See how they affect you.
DCI Announces New Player Rewards Cards
SEATTLE, Washington -- Due to the strong reception to personal cards for Magic Invitational winners, the DCI has announced a new punishment for the most savage cheaters amongst the Magic Community. The DCI will pick a cheater quarterly for foil versions of staple out-of-print cards with new artwork depicting the cheater being killed to be given away in the Player Rewards program to players who have participated in 20 sanctioned tourneys.
Wizards Announces New Freelance Requirements
In an effort to enliven feature matches and strategy writing at premiere events, Wizards of the Coast announced effective immediately, Freelancers must maintain a blood alcohol level of 1.2 throughout the course of the event. Said Head of Organized Play Jeff Donais, “I’m afraid to admit this, but feature match writing has become stagnant over the last year or so, with little in the way of true entertainment being offered by our writers. The new policy will allow for some pretty interesting journalistic endeavors by our writers, not to mention some interesting descriptions of play, real or imagined!”
New Invention for Gamers Called the “This”
Seattle, WA — All the hype has died down. The word is out, “IT” is going to revolutionize our lives, right? What about for us gamers who don’t go places or walk around or do any other kind of physical activity? How will “IT” help me while we’re sitting in my basement around a poorly lit table staring at little pieces of cardboard with no women in a 3 mile radius? Well worry no more my friends.
Sol Malka Horrified by Dark Ritual Play
Atlanta, Georgia — People's Champion Sol Malka was horrified last Saturday at an impromptu 1.5 tournament at Daddy Big Jim's Shack o' Cards. Sol recounts," There I was playing my pile o witches/Randall deck vs Joe Scrub when he lays swamp and casts Dark ritual". Sol sat mesmerized for a couple seconds as he cronologically went through every possible combination of cards his opponent could have and then reportedly fell off his chair when Joe layed down Plague Rats in "Windmill Fashion™".
Ryan Fuller Breaks ATBAAYD Record
Rumours state that canadian Ryan Fuller in his quest of perfecting his role as tournament villain, in cooperation with a big clock manufacturer, has reached the beforehand unthinkable ATBAAYD
Matt Vienneau Gives Little Brother STD
Early this morning, in an unprecedented act of generosity, and brotherly love, Matt Vienneau, gave his younger sibling, Mike, an STD. After aquiring the STD the night before from a few randoms at Paradise Comics, Vienneau knew it belonged with his brother. “He loves red things,” explained Vienneau. The STD, which requires three mana to cast, and can grant up to two additional attack phases, generally sells for upwards of $5, but Vienneau aquired it for free.
Budde's Resume Repeatedly Sent to WotC
Seattle, WA -- Sources report that Wizards of the Coast recently received Kai Budde's resume for every position they have available, and many they do not. Suspicions about the legitimacy of the applications have arisen due to several small discrepancies in the documents. WotC HR department comments, "Well, many of the resumes sent lists Kai's contact address as "Some place in Germany. His skills were listed as 'Savage Mizing,' 'Topdecking,' and 'Metagaming.' While Kai does indeed possess those skills, I don't see how they are applicable to the janitorial position."
Mikey P Maindecks Choke, Doesn't Choke in Top 8
Las Vegas, Nevada — Michael Pustilnik, better known as "Mikey P" or "Doctor P" among gamers, took home the top prize last weekend at GP Las Vegas. Mikey P rode his green/black deck, dubbed "The Rock and his Millions," to victory, defeating 3 non-blue decks in the top 8, despite having a dead card, Choke, in his main deck. Mikey P has been on a roll recently, with a Pro Tour Victory multiple Grand Prix championships under his belt.
Letters to the Editor: Ed Fear and Mr. Mises
Just wanted to take a moment to write you and let you know how much I thoroughly enjoy the web site. Magic is filled with persons who treat the game as some greatly serious pursuit, I feel the satiric irreverence of your site is long overdue.
Terrible Tech: My Big Black Deck
Around where I play My Big Black Deck is the talk of the town. Everyone has seen it and everybody loves My Big Black Deck. It's really quite a beating. Whenever there is a tournament I whip this baby out and watch the little kids cringe in fright of My Big Black Deck. I use big scary creatures to blow away my opponents before they know what happened. Here's what's in My Big Black Deck.
Sean McKeown Mistaken for Pro
New York, NY -- After going 0-3-drop at a recent qualifier for Pro Tour San Diego, Randy McStick complained, "My deck was really good, but I just got rolled by three pros in a row!"
Man Blinds Himself After Reading CCGPrime.com
Seattle Creek, Michigan -- Local Magic player Terry Szatkowski recently stabbed out his own eyes with an icepick after visiting CCGPrime.com. The website has angered and annoyed many readers since it was opened, but this is the first case of a reader inflicting pain on himself as a result.
Lim-Dul's Paladin Still Cool, Still Sucks
Davis, CA -- In preparation for the upcoming season of extended PTQ's, local player Mike E again tried desperately to find a deck for his favorite card of all time: Lim-Dul's Paladin. Lim-Dul's Paladin has never really been involved in a successful deck, yet still has a devoted following. The card even has it's own fan club. While undoubtedly a cool card, Mike took a great deal of ridicule from other players at his local shop for trying to build a viable deck with the 4 mana creature. "It sucks, dude" or "What the %*&**$ were you thinking!?" were the most often heard comments when others playtested against the black and red atrocity which Mike still maintains is a "deck."
White Ward Begs to Die
White Ward, last seen in the back pages of magic players collections held a press conference begging for the right to go back to being totally unplayable.
Pennies and Paperclips Horrified and Betrayed
Seattle, Washington -- The scene outside of the Wizards of the Coast headquarters was one of anger and shock the Coalition for the Fair and Ethical Treatment of Tokens, gathered for a rally.
Interview with a scrub
Today we are going to delve into the mind of a not-so-good magic player. These are the people we refer to as scrubs. We will be using our local scrub, we'll call him "Joe Smith", as a prime example. Lets see what he has to say in this intense interview.
Magic Player Confused by AmericanSingles.com
Laurel, MD -- Area Magic player Steve Williams was reportedly confused Thursday when he clicked on the banner ad for AmericanSingles.com. This banner ad, which features a half-naked couple kissing in a river, is for a dating-service.
Nate Heiss to Replace Barbara Walters
It is rumored that after the intense interview of Kai Budde, Mr. Nate Heiss was offered to take the place of Barbara Walters on the world famous program 60 minutes. Mr. Heiss has still yet to confirm this as it would revoke his Pro Tour privileges, but it is assumed he will accept the position. It's mind numbing question like "How old are you now?" and "Did he like dragons back then too?" that bring the upper echelon of the magic world knocking down his door to be interviewed. An interview with the legendary Jon Finkle was overheard at Pro Tour New Orleans, by Mr. Heiss, after the first day of play. Here is all that we were able to get from this explosive interview.
Kai Budde sells his Mana Pool
Biarritz, France -- Current Best Magic Player in the world Kai Budde has sold his Mana Pool at GP Biarritz to a local scrub. When asked for comment he admitted that he wasn't using the old Pool anymore. He actually appeared pretty happy about the deal too. He netted a good price for it, $20.00 and two Morphlings.
Alex Shvartsman Trades for Virtual Infiltrator
Alex Shvartsman, recently returned from his disappointing finish at Grand Prix Kandahar, reportedly boasted to friends of the highlight of his trading frenzy after failing to make Day 2. The bounty ripped free from one of the sixty-seven unsuspecting Grand Prix patrons was a virtual foil Shadowmage Infiltrator card, which Alex estimates to be worth in the $50-$75 range.
Pro Tour Player Attends PTQ: "The Horror, The Horror"
Vancouver, Canada -- Pro Tour Player Gab Tsang, due to an unexpected day off, and nothing else to do, attended a Detroit Pro Tour Qualifer. "I went to see friends," uttered Tsang, "I never expected what was there."
Fuller Throws Eggs at Mr. Jenkins' Car, Stomps on Abigail's Petunias
Vancouver, Canada -- Early yesterday morning Ryan Fuller, three time Grand Prix winner, former Canadian National Champion, and all around rascal, was seen throwing eggs, taken from his mother's refrigerator, at Mr. Jenkins' '88 Honda Prelude. "I knew right away who it was," said an upset Jenkins, "that boy's always causing trouble around here."
Letter to the Editor: More on Deuteronomy
Regarding your last letter to the editor, I must say that if you like Deuteronomy 23:1, you'll love Deuteronomy 23:2.