Magic: the Gathering News for January 2002
Area Man Becomes the First to Have Sex While Wearing a Pro-Tour Shirt
Kurtis Sullivan became the first man to ever have sex while wearing a Magic: the Gathering Pro-Tour shirt today.
David Humpherys Finishes Turn
Somerville, MA - Amidst the gentle snores of fellow competitors and spectators, Your Move Games star David Humpherys finished his turn during a casual eight-man draft. The turn set a new record, taking six hours and forty-seven minutes, yet the game was far from over. Due to time contraints and other responsibilities, Humpherys and his opponent agreed to leave the game as it was and continue at a later date. The game is scheduled to recommence on Friday evening to take full advantage of the weekend.
A Random Review of Torment
This is a review of the cards from ONE booster pack of Torment. Rather than bore you with the whole set, I figured that one random pack would be enough to give you all a feel for the new set. So, here we go.
DCI Banned from Theron Martin's Cellar
Long time Internet writer and DCI banning victim Theron Martin has declared that the DCI has been banned from his basement playing area for repeated offenses. Listed as the Magic governing body's offenses included the banning of Dark Ritual when Necro was the problem, persistant ignorance of non-Standard formats, and non-disclosure in cheating cases.
The Real Reason Behind the Suspensions
Many people were pleased yesterday by the suspensions handed down by wizards. Others wondered why it took them so long to do it. The truth was revealed today when wizards announced the bannings were simply because they hate 5-color.
People's Champion Organizes Tournaments for the People
Rumours state that the so called "People's Champion", Sol Malka, lately has a found a new creative way of ensuring and maintaining his high composite rating, as of today placing him 5th in the world standings.
Magic: The Gathering Slammed by Online Comic
The popular online comic Penny Arcade insulted the sport of Magic: The Gathering in their January 28th comic strip. The strip illustrates a VCR complaining about how he would no longer be able to spit on magic players if the game was just played online. In addition, there is a mock-magic card insulting the players of the sport.
Fuller, Maher Suspended; DCI still trying to pin something on G. Wise
As the further closing of the gap between successful cheaters and horrible players becomes closer and closer, the Magic Community has had to suspend two of its own: Ryan Fuller and Bob Maher Jr.
Email Address "rfuller @permed4life.com" no longer available
CANADA--In a sudden and surprising move, the email address "rfuller@permed4life.com" was registered on Monday. The address, which had heretofore been available for the entire history of the internet, was registered by a user at an unknown ISP in Canada.
Letter From Ed Fear
I trust that everyone had a great Ed Fear weekend, busting Torment boosters and donning skull tattoos. Now that the festivities are over, Ed Fear THE MAN HIMSELF dropped me a short email that I'd like to share. . .
Innovator Ed Fear is Back in the Game
Ed Fear has recently taken a DCI requested yearlong break from the pro tour as part of a policy banning all players who could possibly beat Kai Budde. You may remember the removal of Dave Williams, who could have easily beat Kai with his ability to gain about 3-4 card advantage in every game, as well as the removal of Casey McCarrel who would have easily beat Kai due to mana inconsistencies.
Thousands of Magic Players Fail to Win Invitational, Get to Design Card Anyway
In a stunt known to anyone to visit www.MagictheGathering.com in the past two weeks, lead designer Mark Rosewater has offered the masses of ordinary Magic players the opportunity to design a Magic card for release in a future set. This contest, entitled You Make the Card, comes despite the fact that very few, if any, of the players participating in the process have ever won a Magic Invitational.
Wizards of the Coast Slapped with Reverse Discrimination charges.
California- Northern Paladin has filed Reverse Discrimination charges against Mark Rosewater and his employer, game publisher Wizards of the Coast. The suit is based on the new set for Magic: the Gathering, which is comprised predominantly of Black cards.
Print Run Error in Torment; All Cards are Black
According to Prerelease TOs all over the world, there is something very wrong in Torment. With the anticipation of this weekends thrice-yearly event at a pitch, those in the know are panicking. According to inside sources, an inexperienced assistant Tournement Organizer started opening Torment Packs last night as the big shipment arrived and was shocked at his discovery.
Spotlight on Black is Part of WOTC Scam
Magic players around the world have been eagerly anticipating the release of Torment, the latest Magic the Gathering expansion, ever since it was leaked that this would be the "black" set. The set contains significantly more black cards than cards of any other color, a first in Magic history. While everyone assumed that the set was designed this way in order to be fun, interesting, and entertaining, our sources indicate that this is no more than a get-rich-quick scheme organized by Wizards of the Coast's R&D and Development employees.
MTG-Related Contagion Isolated, CDC Quarantines Jon Becker
Philadelphia, PA - The Centers For Disease Control descended on Philadelphia today amidst lurking fears of a fresh bioterror attack.
A Prostitute's Tale
Being a hooker in Pittsburgh, PA is about the worst job I've ever had. Just today I was doing my rounds outside Carnegy Mellon University campus when a potential customer approached me. He was rather ugly, but he goes to CMU, so I assumed he had lots of money.
Residents of Lund, Wien, extend thanks to Brian Kibler
Wien, Austria (MTN) Residents of Wien, Austria today joined Pro Tour hopefuls in Lund, Anchorage, Sao Paolo, and Helsinki in expressing their appreciation to Brian Kibler for his timely analysis of the Supergrow Extended archetype.
Reader Response to "Kai Wins Again"
It seems that MD's "Kai Wins Again" article, posted Monday, has elicited some strong feelings from some readers. [Warning: Potentially Offensive Content]
Zvi Mowshowitz Doesn't Take a Shower
San Diego, CA Pro tour regular Zvi Mowshowitz showed his disdain for red today by not taking a shower. In the second pack of a draft, Zvi opened and passed a Shower of Coals.
Kai Wins Again
[An editorial by MD. Warning, potentially offensive content!]
Adrian Sullivan Takes Credit For Yet ANOTHER Deck
Madison, WI - This past weekend, Adrian Sullivan, known to very few as "The Corrupter," took credit for yet another deck he didn't design or have any input in building, complained fellow Madisonian and Cabal Rogue teammate, Brian Kowal.
Player Willing To Pay For Magic Online
Sabine Parish, Louisiana Area player Adam Ricardo expressed willingness to pay the announced prices for Magic Online today.
Magic: The Gathering Senior Tour planned
Today news leaked from Wizards of the Coast (WoTC) headquarters in Redmond WA of Senior Pro Tour for the popular Collectible Card Game, Magic.
Player Who Needs Archaeological Dig Too Embarassed To Ask
St. Louis Park, Minnesota An uncomfortable moment passed last Friday during the weekly Standard tournament at Dreamers card shop, the premiere Magic store in the state of Minnesota, witnesses reported. The incident occurred during a routine trade between local players Josh Alexander and Luke Fleming, when Alexander reportedly lingered on Peterson's two Archaeological Digs that he needed for a deck, but was ultimately too ashamed to trade for them.
Magic Officially Classified as "Game of Luck"
Hague, The Netherlands In a sudden but unsurprising move, the International Gaming Association (IGA) ended years of debate Monday by officially adding Magic: The Gathering to its list of "Games of Luck and Chance."
Shvartsman rivals Kai Budde, Yahweh with high placing at GP: Curitiba
With his latest astounding finish at Grand Prix: Curitiba, the Magic community is asking just one question of Alex Shvartsman: will his star EVER stop rising?
Irony Bites Garfield on the Ass, Players Point & Laugh
Richard Garfield and Jon Finkel finally had their clash of titans at the PT-San Diego. Round one was a hard-fought game, which was finally won by sneaky plays on Finkel's behalf.
EDT promises to do something 'even crazier' if voted into the Invitational
On 1/14/02, Eric Taylor, affectionately known as EDT around the globe, promised to do something 'crazy' if voted into the Magic: The Gathering Invitational for 2002, an announcement that has made the MTG community gasp in shock.
Magic Online has Possible Ties to Mob
It might seem redundant now to pair these two similar entities as one, but perhaps more evidence is still to be uncovered. With a hot, sticky new press release and already hundreds of protesting Beta testers, the facts are becoming clear.
Misetings Articles Full of Lies
A shocking revelation rocked the online Magic community yesterday when the articles posted on www.Misetings.com were shown to be full of falsehoods and lies. Some articles had no basis whatsoever in truth and were completely fabricated. The heroes in this disturbing story are the fine folks behind Operation Defecation at www.Teamacademy.com.
Another Editor Leaves for Brainburst
Lincoln, Nebraska - In the aftershocks of last year's sudden abandonment of Mindripper in favor of Brainburst by editor Scott Johns and others, yet another editor has switched over to the popular new site, it was learned Thursday. During a living room press conference, 14-year-old Nebraska native Morris Turlingten, founder and editor of the Magic site www.geocities.021140.173.com/morris_turlingten, announced that he will henceforth cease Magic updates at his previous site and instead focus on contributions to Brainburst.
Magicthegathering.Com Pushes Dark Influence and Scrubby Rares
Wizards of the Coast has just released a new website for its flagship CCG, Magic: the Gathering. Strangely enough, they have finally used the painfully obvious domain of http://www.magicthegathering.com as the site name, after over seven years of being on the market.
Victim of the Rosewater Paradox Found Near Computer, Sans Head
Geoffrey Turkin has been identified by authorities at the DCI as the official 1000th victim of the so-called "Rosewater Paradox", an idea that crappy rares must be printed so that a theoretical constant known from the 'Homeland's "What The Hell Is That" (WTHIT) constant, first discovered by several members of the staffs of many online magazines during the release of Homelands.
Morphling Walks out on Contract
In a sanctioned 1.x tournament last Sunday a Morphling got up off of the table and walked out on a game in progress.
Morphling Reduced to Chump Blocker
Called "Superman" by its supporters, called a "kick in Green's head" by its detractors, few have ever considered Morphling anything less than a highest-magnitude threat, but in a stunning turn of events yesterday, PTQ player John Firth's Morphling was forced to chump block his opponent's Verdant Force.
Torment Revealed to be Plea for Help
The next Magic The Gathering expansion set, named "Torment", is now suspected to be a disguised plea for help by the beleaguered and overwrought Research and Development team at Wizards of the Coast. Forced to churn out new and innovative expansions at an almost unbelievable rate, working conditions at the WotC department have declined to almost medieval standards.
Article Scoop: Randy Buehler's column leaked
Magicthegathering.com has only been online for about a week and already it is experiencing difficulties. A disgruntled employee has leaked Randy Buehler's feature article, scheduled for this friday, to this reporter. Apparently the unnamed source was upset over low pay and "Never winning a future future league game".
Battle of Wits Deck Wins Grudge Match: MiseTings Writers Speechless
New York, New York Well known internet writer Toby Wachter decided to play a deck consisting of 247 cards and 4 copies of the infamous Battle of Wits at the most recent grudge match. His report and justification for this can be found at Neutral Ground's site.
Charges Filed Against Kurt "Fatman" Hahn
Madison, WI Charges were officially filed Tuesday against avid Magic player, Kurt Fatman Hahn by three area teenagers. Kurt is a recognizable member of the Magic community, even from a distance. He is known as the father of the Five Color format, and being a generally big, loud dude. The charges stem from incidents occurring in the past month at local card shops.
Mishras Factory closed due to Assembly Worker Strike
Dominaria The assembly workers of Mishras Factory went on strike yesterday, demanding more game play. "We havent been played in years," said the Assembly workers trade union representative. "These days everyone is using those cheap imports like Treetop village and Farie Conclave."
Gamer Writes One Millionth Unfunny Article About Kai Budde
Orlando, FL With a click of his mouse, local gamer and internet Magic writer Steve Grossberg submitted the one millionth unfunny article about Kai Budde to magic humor site Misetings.com.
Oscar Tan Consolidates His Nefarious Power
Internet Writer and bdominia moderator Oscar Tan made a power play this week to take over editorial responsibilities at StarCityGames and Brainburst.com.
An (Appropiately) Touching Interview with the Rev. Toby Wachter
Probably one of the most fun things I have done was interview the Reverend... hes a great guy and I felt someone needed to do it in a less serious way than a standard WotC interview (how many times can you be asked "Who is the best player of all time?" before you go on a murdering rampage??? For human (yeah... like the people looking at misetings are human ;) ) consumption: I give you my INTERVIEW WITH THE REVEREND TOBY WACHTER [Warning: Potentially Offensive Content]
Internet Writer Revolutionizes Tournament Reports with New "Card-by-Card Anal
Associated Press - In a groundbreaking move, internet writer Bart Meyers has chosen to add a brief analysis of every card in his deck to his tournament report, it was learned Monday. The analysis will reportedly follow immediately after the decklist, and will concisely highlight the merits of each of the cards in Meyers' version of the popular Malka Death extended deck archetype.
57 Card Deck Ravages PTQ Circuit
Sendai, Japan Grand Prix Sendai champion Kazuaki Arahori has become the source of much angst and frustration for thousands of players on the pro tour qualifier circuit worldwide. Most grand prix champions utilize 60 cards in their constructed decks, but according the www.sideboard.com, Arahori proved his worth by demonstrating that he only needed 57 to win.
Sideboard Online Closes For Gary Wise's Protection
Since the removal of Chris Benafel Burger's Magic Invitational report from Sideboard's web site last Monday, there have been no updates to the popular online Magic magazine. With plenty of articles by talented writers (including Mike "Infinitely Savage Miser" Flores and the Reverend Toby Wachter) in Sideboard's backlog, many regular readers were left to wonder why Sideboard Online is suddenly silent.
MTG Retro: The Day That Pyroblast Died
Wow. There really is no Pyroblast. I used to hate Pyroblast like I've never hated any other card. Maybe that's because I was born to cast blue spells. I don't know. Anyway, it's gone now, and that means that there is like no way that red can now beat blue. They have Boil, and that's about it. There will be no more "Pyro your Tradewind during your discard". They will have to burn it. Which means less burn on you. They can't even attempt to get into counter wars, either. The most consistently powerful sideboard card ever printed is dead. I think this calls for a tribute, in honor of a fallen enemy.
John Rizzo Wins Draft
Standish, Maine In an unprecendented show of skill, John Rizzo won an 8 person draft at his newest magic hang-out, Crossroad Games. After rounding up a couple younger Pokemon players, the 6 Magic players who showed up on that cold Tuesday night had enough people to play a sanctioned draft.
Your Move Games Issues Errata
Las Vegas, Nevada Your Move Games, an undisputed powerhouse on the PT circuit, flexed their political muscle at the recent Grand Prix Las Vegas. The team from Boston not only put a player in the top 8 of the tournament, but demonstrated it's considerable influence by issuing errata on the spot.