Magic: the Gathering News for February 2002
Area Gamers Await Decision From Floral Spuzzem
Geneva, Illinois – A circle of casual players at Smith’s Hobby Shop were kept waiting for 15 minutes for a decision from a Floral Spuzzem owned by Joseph Hammenheimer.
Ineffectively Stifled Fart Greatly Affects Outcome of Game
In an extended PTQ this past season, an allegedly unsuccessfully stifled fart had a profound effect on the match being played. In the classic matchup of Maher Oath piloted by Tim Flores versus Sligh piloted by Josh Tabak, Oath was the expected favorite.
TO John Shannon Bans 4 People From Next Florida GP
When he found out he could ban people from events that had not even taken place yet, as when he banned Kurtis Hahn from GP Tampa before it even started, Tournament Organizer John Shannon banned 4 people from Florida’s next Grand Prix this past Monday.
Oldtime Player Laments Current State Of Magic
Jordan Kravitz, a self-described "former Magic addict" who has recently returned to the game after a five-year hiatus, expressed sadness over the current state of the game. Kravitz stated his wish to return to Magic's golden age, when the rules were complicated, the most popular cards were overpriced, and every card was either insanely powerful or completely unusable.
Fat Gamer Can't Wait Forever For Regionals
Houston, Tx. --- Thirty-two year old restaurant sanitation McCaptain Pete Ross, snacking on a Bucket O' Nuggets as he waited for the latest Qualifier for PT Nice to end, said he was going to "have a friggen heart attack" if he had to hear from his friend about how the tournament went.
Disappointed Buehler Forced to Write Own MiseTings Article
Washington - A routine Sideboard article covering GP: Tampa turned into a fiasco Monday, when Kurtis "Fatman" Hahn set a record for the shortest time before getting kicked out of a Grand Prix. While Randy Buehler diligently reported the event on the Sideboard coverage, his prediction that the incident would find itself on MiseTings failed to materialize, forcing a disappointed Buehler to write the promised MiseTings article himself.
Nerd Damn Well Not Member of Greenpeace
Proudly sporting my newly acquired green mana symbol mana-tee (size 3X, natch), I ventured forth toward Tuesday classes. En route, I made a pit stop to mise (legally) some grub and some Diet Frickin’ Coke with Frickin’ Lemon, for as I mentioned, I wear size 3X and besides I just like the Frickin’ taste of Diet Coke with Lemon. This woman in the store points at my green mana symbol and asks me if I am a member of Greenpeace.
Gamers Urge Return of Old Game - Wizards Denies Request
A coalition of gamers on the Wizards.Com message boards are urging WotC to return to old terminology, angered at what the game has become. BlackDiamondDragon, a veteran Magic player, started the coalition to bring back "Bury" into the magic vocabulary. A mentally unstable poster named Purraj of Urborg seconded the motion, and moved to reintroduce Banding, Flanking, and the terms Summon and Interrupt. He also urged wizards to put text back on basic lands, to add meaningful flavor text, and to restore varied creature types.
Sarah Hughes Tries to Explain her "Top-Deck"
Sarah Hughes tried to explain her "top-deck" to the Associated Press today. "It was right there when I needed it," she said. "I mean, I didn't think I had a chance, completely forgetting that that option was even there, but then I just drew it."
Magic's 'Moral Guardian' Doesn't Write Article
Michael Clauss, thought of in some circles as the moral guardian of Magic that we so desperately need, stunned the Magic Community yesterday when he failed to write another article about Bob Maher, even though someone mentioned him in an article.
The History of the Hammer Invite
Some of the newer players may not have heard of this phenomenon, but the Hammer invite was created to try to keep one of the most unique individuals on the Pro Tour.
Slanter's Guide to Magic Humor
A 6 step method for writing Magic humor.
Gamer Saddened, Realizes Magic Colony isn't a TV Show
Junior high school student known only as Kangasage88 was seen to be overwhelmed with joy when he first read Jeff Cunningham's Magic Colony report on The Sideboard, believing that M:tG had finally hit the spotlight.
After Careful Consideration, Players Choose "Creature"
Associated Press - After weeks of animated discussion, well-reasoned debate, and thoughtful deliberation, the readers of MagicTheGathering.com have chosen "Creature" as the card type for the innovative You Make the Card contest, it was announced Wednesday. The selection has been praised as a resounding display of the great creativity and ingenuity of the world's Magic players, who have already determined the card's color to be Green.
SI Swimsuit 2002 Released, Adolescent Boys Miss Tuesday Night Draft
Kingston, NY - In a not so shocking turn of events, the release of Sports Illustrated’s 2002 Swimsuit Edition has left many tournament organizers baffled by a drastic decline in participants. The magazine, adorned with dozens of almost-naked women in bikinis, has stolen the nights of lonely teenage boys across America.
The Magic Colony Presents: Who D'd It
It's The Grand Experiment. Magic meets MTV's The Real World. It's crazy, but just crazy enough to work. Eight Magic players whose skills are matched only by their relaxed attitude towards preparation. One house in the middle of nowhere. One month to break the Odyssey Block Constructed format wide open.
One GIANT D left in the toilet.
Flavor Text Writer Still Congratulating Self Over Deep Analysis
Renton, Washington - More than one year after the card's initial design, Wizards of the Coast flavor text writer Doug Beyer is still congratulating himself for thinking of the quote on the Torment common Deep Analysis, it was learned Thursday.
Top Five Ways to Win a Match
1. No Show / Match Loss – The number one way to win a match naturally involves the match not even being played. Many a prerelease first round have ended with the exuberant victor shouting: “My opponent busted a foil Call of the Herd and ran to sign up in another flight! Mise!”
World fights PTR
WASHINGTON - In an unexpected response to his offhand 'fight me all of you' post on Misetings' own Magic forums, the entire world traveled to Peter Szigeti's current residence to take up the challenge. The world showed up at 4pm on Sunday at The Magic Colony and reportedly knocked politely.
"Magic Players" Officially Declared a Seperate Species
At a press conference earlier this week, head of the Department of Human Studies (DHS) stated that, "new studies have uncovered that Magic Players are, in fact, not human, but a human-like sub-specie."
Area Man Overlooks Opponent's Zuran Orb, Launches All-Out Attack
In a tragic and senseless move that caused onlookers to question his grasp of the fundamentals of Magic: The Gathering, area player Frank Kirkendal launched an ill-advised, full-scale attack on opponent Alex Green at a critical moment in a hard-fought duel in which both participants were at 4 life.
Sequence of Odyssey Rares Screws Yet Another Player
Another casual magic player was screwed by the sequencing of rares in Odyseey booster packs today. Steven Grubwitz, who regularly buys Magic cards but has not played in a DCI-sanctioned tournament since losing to a ten-year-old in 1997, reported picking up another string of pathetic rares.
Rizzo contracts STD from Sexual Chocolate
New England, USA – John F. Rizzo hospitalized at local area medical center after discovery of sexually transmitted disease earlier today.
Goblins Stage Protests outside Wizards, Riot Ensues
A parade of goblins hoisting signs in the air and singing “Glory, Glory Hallelujah” and “We Shall Overcome” marched around the police picket line surrounding Wizards today. This is as amazing change from yesterday’s anarchy. Fourteen police officers and twenty goblins were injured yesterday afternoon when a goblin known only as Mons incited a short-lived riot.
Colony Residents Attempt to Vote Each Other Out
Confusion was the word of the day shortly after the launch of Magic Colony. Although on the surface the participants appeared to be working towards the OBC goal, in secret alliances and voting blocs immediately began to form.
Hilarious "Magic Colony" Article Not Really A MiseTings Article At All
San Antonio, Texas - Confusion and bewilderment prevailed in the home of San Antonio resident and longtime Magic player Daryl Mason, when it was discovered that a humorous article believed to be from the popular humor site MiseTings was not a joke, but was in fact a real news announcement posted on Sideboard.com. The article in question, written by Josh Bennett, outlines the plans for an MTV Real World-style house known as Magic Colony, with the stated goal being to break the OBC format, and, more importantly, to elevate geekiness to entirely new levels.
Snobbish Elitists Alarmed That 'Random' Players May Steal Spotlight
Reuters News Agency – The Pro Tour “Community” recently began kicking and screaming in earnest over the influx of internet postings from “random” players denouncing luminaries such as Bob Maher that have recently been prosecuted by the DCI.
The Bloodsucker Proxy
This past weekend noted actor Tim Robbins was spotted playing a fun game of Type 2 with a local youngster. A bystander looked at the board and noted a Yawgmoth's Bargain on the table.
Cheating Scandals Allow "Randoms" to Momentarily Feel Like Part of Pro Community
Reuters News Service - The recent suspensions of pro players Ryan Fuller and Bob Maher, Jr. have sent ripples through Magic communities worldwide, according to a recent Oxford University study. Most notable, the study reported, was an overwhelming response among the world's aspiring but unaccomplished PTQ players, who now feel like an important part of the Pro Magic community whose views on the suspensions deserve to be heard on the world's internet Magic forums.
Overwhelming Italian Attendance at Grand Prix Heidelberg
About 800 italian players attended GP Heidelberg, Germany. Consutling the Final Standings list, one can find a number of notable Italian pros like Dan Clegg [ITA], Brian Kibler [ITA] , Alex Shvartsman [ITA], Zvi Mowshowitz [ITA] and over 700 others.
Magic Action Figures Enrage Capashen & Crew
A recent announcement on Wizard of the Coast’s MagicTheGathering.com web site left many of their former heroes and heroines feeling ill-treated and rejected.
Sideboard Suffers from MOL Addiction
Wizards of the Coast's official webiste for top level magic, The Sideboard has shown a marked downturn in content recently. Previously, the drag was attributed to the lack of premier events and concentration on the new, more novice-friendly site, www.magicthegathering.com. But now, inside Wizards' sources claim that they can't budge the writing staff away from their computers and the Magic Online beta test.
Congrats all around
It seems that several high profile members of the Magic community have been "getting their mise on" in the past week.
Blockbuster to Offer Exclusive Premium Magic: the Gathering Card
DALLAS, February 8, 2002 - Starting March 1, 2002 at all Blockbuster Video retail locations, customers will have the opportunity to receive a free promotional Magic: the Gathering card with every rental. The card, Avalanche Riders, is the creation of Magic: the Gathering Duelist Invitational winner and Blockbuster employee Darwin Kastle.
Magic Retro: Impulse Like a Pro
If you want to win like your favorite Pro magic player, you must play like one. This is a definitive guide to emulating the way Pro players cast one of the more popular Magic cards - Impulse. This list is in no particular order.
Plague Spitter Press Conference: "Me Rock!"
At a recent press conference, Plague Spitter spoke out regarding his attitudes and feelings towards Magic in general, Torment, and how powerful he was.
Vallejo Signed for Future Set
Wizards of the Coast announced today that premier fantasy artist Boris Vallejo has been commissioned to create the artwork for many cards in a upcoming Magic the Gathering set. Known for his vast imagination and shapely female forms, Vallejo is regarded by some as the top fantasy artist in the world.
WotC Announces Type 1 Pro Tour
Wizards of the Coast have changed their expected Type 2 Pro Tour to a Type 1 format. The new format is expected to offer an interesting, creative environment with games being decided by really, really broken cards.
Forsythe forced to be Timmy
Aaron Forsythe, editor of Magicthegathering.com, recently complained about his treatment in Wizards of the Coast's Future Future League. As a relative newcomer to the WotC staff, Aaron has been cast into the role of Timmy by his coworkers.
MiseTings in the Land of .ru
Casually running a google search for "misetings" the other day, I discovered that the number one result is not this site, that we have grown to love and cherish, but rather a Russian MiseTings site that is some sort of mutant offspring of this one.
The Psychological Function of Jank
The continuing production of bafflingly terrible Magic cards is a constant source of mental anguish for the high-level competitive Magic addict. Psychiatrists across the globe have reported to a wide variety of professional journals that an alarming trend seems to be growing among patients described in the field as suffering from "Pro-Tour Contender Syndrome," a serious disorder that causes homely social outcasts to imagine themselves to be witty and interesting to others, and worst of all, relevant to the world around them.
Magic Online team announces, "Who needs server farms?"
In an amazing announcement, the Magic Online team has put forth they don't need the large number of servers usually associated with online gaming. With a patented tcp/ip scheme known mysteriously as "overpricing," MO should be able to handle the entire user load with a mere two servers.