Magic: the Gathering News for March 2002
DEA Thwarts King of Fatties
Middlebury, Vermont - Green mages worldwide were shocked earlier today when they learned that the Drug Enforcement Administration had apprehended their messiah, Jamie Wakefield. Though not an active player these days, Wakefield has been secretly manipulating the metagame for years. His fatties have dominated Type 2, with the exception of the notorious Psychatog. Jamie’s presence has even been felt through the creation of entirely new formats, notably Five-Color.
God to Enroll in 12-Step Program
It starts out seeming to be a normal day just like any other. At the entrance to the deserted temple, a patrol hound and a guard dog keep the nomads out. The birds are twittering and the squirrels chatter. Diligent farmhands plow under the nearby petrified field. And next door, outside the Serra Aviary, a benevolent caretaker fills up the birdfeeder and tosses some peanuts to the herds of elephants. After he goes back into the aviary, however, the trouble starts. The squirrels, unable to resist the birdseed, leap onto the feeder and begin gorging themselves.
DCI Suggests "Mouth" Take Time Off; Mouth Concurs
Theron "Metagame Madness" Martin will have a new tormentor at the DCI suspended player's meetings; Mouth "Joe" Kambourakis. The Boston native and long-time member of Team Academy brought the hammer down on himself this past weekend in Brighton, Massachusetts.
High-Schooler Revolutionizes Magic with Idea for New Card
17 and a half Magic geeks stood in stunned silence after the utterance of “A. Dumas” (name changed to protect real person from swarms of desperate WotC R&D personnel showing up at his house to beg for ideas) suggestion for a new card brought a conversation about the weaknesses of Oddyssey versus Invasion blocks to a screeching halt. The normal post-Friday-Night-Magic gathering outside our Dallas area game shop is lively and full of humorous banter and pick-up games on the hoods of folks’ piece-of-crap vehicles. Not this night – nay, the force of change was upon us all, so, there we stood as witnesses to history, agape, and a tad awkward.
Brainburst Premium Offers New Way to Waste Money, Life
Associated Press - In an unprecedented move, the popular strategy site Brainburst.com announced an exciting new service, Premium Membership, which will grant access to superior articles and deck databases to hardcore gamers who pay a subscription fee. The service is being heralded as an exciting new way for hardcore gamers to throw away their money and time as they live out their pathetic lives.
Good Man of the Week: Pat Chapin
Pat has been gaming since pretty much the dawn of time. He has come up with many of the most unique and powerful decks ever, while saving enough time to dance in just his boxers on a table at Origins.
PTR Brings Honor to Japan
Osaka, Japan - Japan may not have placed anyone in PT Osaka’s top 8, but PTR led the efforts to make sure Japanese players retained their sense of honor. “Normally I can do enough just by running around, swearing and being obnoxious,” PTR explained, “but I could tell that the Japanese needed a special boost in Osaka.”
The Magic Colony Part 2: Foreign Prison
Osaka, Japan - Three members of the famous Magic Colony experiment, disappointed by their poor performances in Pro Tour-Osaka decided they needed a second, stricter, more focused colony for Nice, and they needed it now. Dumping their fellow colony members, PTR Greg Rosebeary, and Chris Benafel formed their own fellowship in a second attempt to break the format.
Parents Beg Son to Abandon Magic for Drugs and or Alcohol
Louisville, KY - "Look at him in there," Tom Frakes says, gesturing through the bedroom door where a young man can be seen poring over a stack of cards, "Sitting in there all the time, playing with those damned cards. Why can't he just go out and smoke a bowl or something?"
Mahamoti Djinn Dead at Age 839
(AP) Mahamoti Djinn was pronounced dead early Monday morning after Dominaria Sheriffs Department found him alone in his bottle, after not being seen for weeks. Sources close to the case claim that Mahamoti Djinn died of a massive coronary failure, coupled with a failing liver, apparantly following a prolonged eating and drinking binge.
Misetings Retains Layout Entire Week
In a markedly bizarre change of pace, pemier Magic humor site Misetings retained the exact same site layout for one entire week.
Thousands Baffled By Discovery Of "White" Card
Lansing, MI - The worldwide Magic community was thrown into an uproar Sunday when a Lansing, MI youth pulled a white card named Aven Trooper from a Torment booster pack. Although the existence of white as a possible "fifth color" of Magic has long been rumored, the Trooper is the first verified genuine white card discovered to date.
Cardboard Crack a Reality
Earlier Today it was revealed in Smurfs Laboratories that there is indeed an addictive drug within Wizards of the Coast's top selling Trading Card Game (TCG). Since the game's initial release in 1993, enthusiasts of this "game" have often Joked that Wizards (or WotC as they call it) has been selling them "cardboard crack", because of the game's addictive quality. This new research reveals that these gamers were not far off.
Talentless Whiners Enjoy Ridiculing Actual Writers
Misetings.com - Talentless whiners have taken to direct insults and verbal slants on Misetings.com's message boards when articles they view as substandard are posted by the site's rapidly dissappearing writers. The message boards allow users to post comments expressing their views of the story. Lately, those boards have been occupied with numerous posts from Misetings.com's wide array of users bitching about humorless posts, posts with no point, and posts that are poorly written appearing on a humor site for amateur Magic: The Gathering players.
Magic Player Manascrewed; Day of Mourning Declared
Madison, Wisconsin - On a day that is sure to live in infamy, amateur player Barac Jacobsen got manascrewed during the deciding game of a type 2 match last Wednesday at Misty Mountain Games and Diversions. The resulting loss, which pushed Jacobsen out of the top 8 of the weekly Friday Night Magic tournament, has resulted in a tidal wave of responses from around the world offering condolences for the 16-year-old's poor luck.
Limited Time Offer: Wild Mongrel
As seen on TV! Odyssey Labs Inc. is now proud to offer you our latest and greatest revolutionary new creature! It grows to be exactly the size you need for any job. Its so sturdy, it is impervious to almost all damage! It even changes color to match your furniture! Its Wild Mongrel, the beatdown machine, only from Odyssey Labs.
Pro Tour Player Attempts All-Time Record
While it may be Kai Budde that will stay in the record books as the most successful Magic player of all time, Dr. Michael Pustilnik has vowed to put himself in the record books one way or another at this upcoming Pro Tour, which is stationed in Osaka, Japan. Hot off a two-day road trip to Grand Prix: Tampa, the Brooklyn, New York resident has decided to go all-out and drive to Osaka.
Movie Fails to Deliver Magical Goodness
March 15th, opening day of the new Fox Pictures movie "Ice Age", will prove to be a collossal disappointment for Magic players worldwide.
Organ Grinder: Hot or Not?
Associated Press - With the PT Nice qualifying season in full swing, Magic players around the world are weighing in on the format, particularly the impact of the latest set, Torment. The color black has taken center stage, with many observing that black wants cards in the graveyard and cards removed from the graveyard at the same time. Despite the whirlwind of analysis, the black creature Organ Grinder, a staple at 3/1 for three, has players asking just one question: is that thing a hottie or what?
Wizards Announces "Even More MTG Action Figures"
March 6, 2002 (Renton, Wash.) -- Wizards of the Coast Inc., a subsidiary of Hasbro Inc. (NYSE:HAS) and global leader in the hobby game industry, announced today plans to release limited quantities of the second series of collectable Magic: The Gathering® action figures in fall 2002. Based on popular Pro Tour characters and top misers from the best competition-based strategy game ever created, Magic® Pro Tour Action Figures are chiseled into dynamic poses that mimic the actual players in high detail from sculpture and paint perspectives.
MTG Retro: Throw Spells Like Worth Wollpert Throws Jokes
A few years ago this great website came out that allowed its members to make their opinions on virtually any topic seen by people all over the world. The name of the site was Epinions.com. In the spirit of retro humor I'd like to offer all you fine MiseTings readers my Epinions review of Magic: The Gathering.
Mass Suicide Shocks Dominia
Authorities uncovered the remains of dozens of cult members yesterday in what appears to be the largest mass suicide in Dominian history. Forensics scientists are hard at work determining the cause of death.
Hegstad Not Mild-Mannered at All
An anonymous source inside the Magic Colony revealed today that 'mild-mannered balance' Brian Hegstad is in fact a wild, uncontrollable party machine.
Idle MiseTings Writers Hoping Joshua Claytor Returns to Headlines
Universal Press - Past and present MiseTings writers expressed disappointment recently that Joshua "X" Claytor, affectionately known by most players as "some guy," has not done anything newsworthy in recent months. Claytor, whose misadventures have inspired some of the best articles ever posted on MiseTings, is widely heralded as one of the few people capable of providing material rich enough to restore MiseTings to its past glory.
PTQ Hopeful Compares Afternoon To "Being Pinned Under A Burning Couch"
In an effort to find words to describe the sinking feeling one often experiences when getting crushed through no fault of one's own, the normally enthusiastic Geordie Tait of Sarnia, Ontario, Canada could only compare the experience to being smothered to death by smoldering upholstery.
Faceless Butcher Describes His Tragic Accident
Hello, I'm faceless butcher. They say my face is so scary, those who see it run away screaming and never come back until I leave. This is true. I just say "Hello, cheerio, top of the morning to ya!", just trying to be friendly, and they flee like they just saw Cher naked. Sadly, it wasn't always this way.
How people Impulse Circa 2002
Kai Budde Impulse: Look at the top 4 cards, take the best one, win the tournament.
Dave Humpherys Impulse: Look at the top 4 cards (We'll get back to you with what he does later, once we know). . .
Kevin Chi Ho Tse Esq Wins Record 158th straight match
The most amazing streak in magic does not belong to Kai Budde. Kevin Chi Ho Tse Esq ("Kevin Chi Ho Tse to my friends") narrowly avoided a loss today in the evening's 4th scheduled 8-person constructed tournament on thursday night in Hong Kong's Outer Limits store, thus extending his rather remarkable winning streak to 158 consecutive victories.
Thousands Take Sick Beets
San Diego, CA -- Thousands died today in a terrible tragedy related to an infected crop of California beets. Government officials are still tallying up the death toll, headed by director of disaster operations, Jim Patterson.
EDT stuns TBS!
AP - In a casual game at Grand Prix Tampa a strange thing happened.
Breaking all Records - The new Asian Number One
The World's longest Magic Event ever, the 336 Hours of Hongkong Marathon Event ended last Friday with a recordbreaking performance of new Asian-Pacific Number One, HongKong local Kevin Chi Ho Tse Esq.