Magic: the Gathering News for June 2002
Magic Retro: Bachmann's PTNY Tourney Report Rap
Subject: PTNY Tourney Report Rap
Date: Wed, 22 Apr 1998 13:17:19 EDT
From: Maniac187
To: fkusumot@ix.netcom.com
Billy “Rogue Elf” Hanes Retires From Magic
A teary-eyed Billy “Rogue Elf” Hanes announced Friday that he would be retiring from the Dallas area Magic: The Gathering casual play scene after yet another humiliating defeat at a local Friday Night Magic event. His nearly 18-minute long retirement speech was built around a theme of “this game sucks” and “damn, I hate this game” to which he frequently alluded throughout the presentation.
You Make The Crap Land - Step 14
Well, our Magic: The Gathering "You Make The Crap Land" promotion is proceeding smoothly, and we're now advancing to the next stage. You Magic players have become a part of our card creation process here at Wizards of the Coast, by helping us to design the crappiest land ever.
Brainburst Fan Goes Premium For "If We Worked for Wizards"
Jake Peterson of Rockville, Maryland was instantly convinced to pay $29.99 for a year-long membership to Brainburst.com in order to read the "fascinating" series of Premium articles "If we worked for Wizards".
Shvartsman Goes Legit
In a startling development in the gaming world, prominent Magic: The Gathering Pro Tour player and former KGB attaché Alex Shvartsman has opened his first legitimate business. Shvartzmann's new venture, Kings Games and Russian Social Club in Brooklyn, New York, features gaming tournaments, online game play and a fully stocked café and wet bar.
Good Man of the Week: Baby Huey
William Harry Jensen III was once touted as the next big thing. While there was no arguing that he was big, he never put up too many impressive performances outside of his one top 8. When Chris Pikula labels you as the next player of the year though, you have to question his scouting abilities. There is a reason Yogi Berra isn’t out finding new talent for the Yanks.
Georgia Man Gets Land Flooded
Duluth, GA - After a decidedly improbable event this weekend, a participant at a local Magic: The Gathering tournament complained loudly of haven gotten “Mana flooded”.
Analyzing Deep Analysis: Interview with Kush Patel
While the card Deep Analysis has seen more frequent use lately in the Type II and Odyssey Block environment, especially considering its powerful effect versus Control decks, one Magic player named Kush Patel has become a little obsessed with the card after winning the New England Championship with several copies of the card in his heavily metagamed Psychatog deck.
Good Man of the Week: Jeff Fung
Jeff Fung has been a staple on the Pro Tour since he top 4’d Chicago back in the day. Of course by “staple” I mean “guy who fell off the train and took forever to win another match.”
Jesus of Nazareth Sues Wizards of the Coast
Seattle, WA - Its been a rough year for Seattle-based Wizards of the Coast. The world-renown gaming company emerged out of a damp, dark basement a decade ago and has fought its way to the top of the world. Games such as Magic: the Gathering and Pokémon quickly guided the company to fame and fortune. Unfortunately, this golden age is fading.
FNM Player "Just In It For The Money"
Minneapolis, MN - Shock and betrayal prevailed last Friday at Phoenix Games, when reigning Friday Night Magic champion Jeff Hoop revealed that he was not competing for fun or love of the game as was previously believed, but instead was only interested in the money.
Players You've Heard Of Do Not Win Nationals
Continuing in its tradition of Magic: The Gathering professional event coverage, Sideboard Magazine Online reported this week that famous players Jon Finkel and Mike Long did not win U.S. Nationals.
The Top 10 Sexiest Men in Magic History
I feel it is my duty, nay, my privilege to create this list. Many of the females in the magic community have often threatened such a list, but I am here to bring it to you. So with out further ado: The Top 10 Sexiest Men in Magic History.
Rosewater Makes One-Billionth "Roseanne" Namedrop
Renton, WA - In a lunchtime conversation with editor Aaron Forsythe, lead designer Mark Rosewater made his one-billionth documented reference to his Hollywood comedy writing past. Discussing whether or not to hold a comedy themed week on their flagship site, MagictheGathering.com, Rosewater mentioned, "once when I was writing for Roseanne, we had a parallel discussion on whether to write an episode about DJ playing geeky fantasy games." Forsythe promptly groaned, as he has heard everyone of these stories five times already at least.
Magic to be Replaced with Rock, Paper, Scissors
Renton, Washington - Leonard H Wittgenstein, the newly appointed president of Wizards of the Coast, is trying to get Magic players into a new craze: rock, paper, scissors. "It's really not a cost-cutting measure," claims Wittgenstein, the former Vice-President of Pokemon at Wizards. "We noticed that some players were playing 'Rock, Paper, Scissors' to decide who goes first, and we realized that it was more fun than Magic itself. This move was a natural decision for all of us."
Best Article Ever Written
Ask any Magic: The Gathering player what the latest buzz in the Magic world is and he will tell you that a freelance columnist going by the pen-name "dbuel" has written the "Best Article Ever."
Pakistan Adds 21 Red Mana To Mana Pool
ISLAMABAD/NEW DELHI - Despite official claims that the action is not a threat, tensions escalated Friday in the territory of Kashmir when Pakistan tapped the entire Hindu Kush mountain range and added 21 red mana to its mana pool.
Crazed Extended Players Run Over R&D With a Bus
Seattle, WA - Frustrated by the changes to the extended scene and motivated by the oft repeated refrain of R&D ("We'll reprint mana drain after we reprint the moxes, and all of R&D would have to be hit by a bus before that happened") Three Unidentified Magic players rented a yellow school bus and drove to Seattle.
GMOTW Revocation
Jon Finkel, for actions at US Nationals unfitting a Good Man will hereby be stripped of his title. Now receiving Jon's former title is ScottK- of the irc. I don't know who he is or where he comes from, but he has to be a better man than Jon Finkel.
Good Man of the Week: Eugene Harvey
Eugene Harvey was a complete unknown a year ago. He paid his $25 dollars to enter a grinder and made it into U.S. Nationals. The man was on a mission and would not be stopped. He made the National team and was the most successful team member helping to secure the teams title in the good ole, where it belongs.
Players Excited to Start "Ed Fearing"
The new Judgment wish mechanic has excited many players, for many think the new mechanic is quite broken. "I can't wait to end step Ed Fear for a gainsay!" said one excited player, Chet Masterson.
OMS to Quit Magic in Disgust Over "F*^king Liars"
Orlando, FLA - In a turn of events which left the Magic community stunned, long-time Pro and ambassador to the game Steve O'Mahoney-Shwartz (aka OMS) has decided to quit Magic. When queried about the resons for this abrupt decision, OMS was quoted as saying "I'm sick and tired of all the fucking liars and cheaters taking over a game that used to be pure and fun. When your supposed best friend joins the pig-fucking liars, it's time to hang up the wand."