Magic: the Gathering News for September 2002
Democrats Threaten To Animate Gore, Attack
WASHINGTON -- With recent polling data indicating a potential for grassroots support, Democratic National Committee Chairman Terry McAuliffe said Thursday that the party is considering animating former Vice President Al Gore until end of turn for a 2004 presidential election bid.
Onslaught Spoiler is Fake
RENTON, WA -- Breaking their previous policy of pretending spoilers don't exist, Wizards of the Coast announced today that the Onslaught spoiler featured on most prominent websites is completely fake. Content Directory of Magicthegathering.com Aaron Forsythe made the following statement. . .
Detroit-Area Player DQ'd For Racism
LONDON, ON --- At a recent PTQ in London, Ontario, Detroit/Cleveland-area player Scott McGurk was disqualified without prize after an alleged racist outburst during his Round 6 match. McGurk's opponent, Michael Williams, was astounded by McGurk's behavior. "He was badly, badly mana-screwed and we were both at very low life, when I drew and cast Hell-Bent Raider," said Williams.
Bleiweiss Threatens To Punish Readership With Further Writing
Noted Magic writer Ben Bleiweiss recently posted on StarCity that he would write a 100-word explanation for each card on his "White Extended Playables" list that wasn't represented at PT Houston. The list, which contains such environment-defining bombs as Sacred Guide, Wishmonger and Angel Of Mercy, is part of an article written by Bleiweiss to appease players who believe that white will be the weakest color in Extended.
Anonymous Pro Player Reveals Houston Deck Choice
An established professional magic player, speaking on condition of anonymity, has revealed his PT Houston deck choice to this reporter. Here is the groundbreaking list.
Buehler Caught "Doing It" With Color Pie
RENTON, WA -- Randy Buehler's father received the shock of his life last Wednesday when he walked into his kitchen and saw Buehler, former Pro Tour veteran and current Magic: the Gathering R&D bigwig on the kitchen table with his genitalia buried deep in the color pie.
Gamer Hopes Onslaught is Cruel, Cruel Joke
STRATTON, OH -- Local Magic scrub Gary Highman was shocked upon finding the Onslaught spoiler today.
Gary hopes Onslaught is a cruel joke.
"Fuck this shit," Highman said. "This better be some fucking cruel joke. Because if this is fucking real, they fucked the game up."
Song of the Week: The PT Man
It's eight o'clock on a Friday morn'
The regular crowd shuffles in
And there's an old man sitting next to me
Playing some deck made by Pat Chapin
Kaboom! First in Cycle of Cards With Punctuation in Name
An anonymous R&D source known only as "Ro,Ma" has revealed that Kaboom! is the first in a long cycle of cards that will include punctuation in their names. "They will all reference themselves in the text to make the punctuation very clear" said Ro,Ma.
"Orb Of Insight" Reveals Lack Of Profanity In Onslaught
SARNIA, ON -- In an effort to amuse himself, mediocre Internet columnist Geordie Tait reportedly spent more than an hour of his time on Sunday evening engaged in an effort to uncover the secrets of Onslaught. "A quick check of the MtGNews Forums made it obvious that the actual productive Orb-work had already been done," remarked Tait, who is well known to be utter shit.
Invitational Invitees Decide to 'Just Go Draft'
The annual Magic Invitational, this year to be hosted on Magic the Gathering Online, suffered a setback recently as the players unanimously decided to blow it off and go draft. Many blame the format limitations of the software and the addictiveness of online drafting, especially among Pros.
Gamer Reveals He Plays Magic Too Soon In Relationship
SAN FRANCISCO, CA -- Jeff Harbuck, a 25 year old MTG player unwittingly began a downward spiral which eventually ended his brief relationship with Jill Valesco by revealing he played Magic.
Good Man of the Week: Joseph Gary Wise
OK, OK I know you are all sick and tired of non-funny articles, so I have decided to take a step back into the realm of humor. Since this transition will be tough, I have chosen an easy target for my comeback… Gary Wise. Fortunately, for the integrity of the award, he also happens to be one hell of a good man.
Top 20 Ways to Distract Female Opponents
While I must admit I have not played many women in Magic over the years, I would still like to give all of you some tools that may give you an edge when playing a female opponent. That said, I present to you my Top 20 Ways for Distracting Female Opponents.
Greece Goes Batshit
It's official, Greece has gone completely batshit.
Magic: The Gathering Anagram Contest
The following are anagrams of the names of some of the game's most colorful past and present personalities and great players. Can you get them all? Hint: One famous name even appears twice!
Manson: Vote For Me For Invitational
CORCORAN STATE PRISON, CALIF. -- Promising plenty of "mischievous, irreverent antics" were he to win, incarcerated serial murderer Charles Manson made an appeal to the Magic community and began asking Wednesday if people would please vote for him to participate in the Magic Invitational tournament this year.
Good Man of the Week: Dan Clegg
The DCI has finally done it. They have gone about as far as they can go. They have become the Witch Hunters they printed in The Dark. Can it get any worse? As much as I supported Bob Maher and Dave Williams, they don’t compare to Dan Clegg in terms of men I trust. Some bannings are warranted. Trey Van Cleve, Ryan Fuller, these are men who need a break from the game. But Dan Clegg, I am ill at the thought.
Onslaught Block Already Stagnant
In an inside look at Future Future League testing practices, Randy Buehler is soon to reveal that the next 3-set block's Constructed format had already been broken wide open. Randy's MagicTheGathering.com article will go through various FFL deck evolutions, of course using the comical playtest nicknames like "Cap'n Crunch" and "Tea and Crumpets" to avoid spoilers. The article clearly demonstrates a quick convergence to extremely similar decks.
Local Youth Caught Masturbating with Card
Irving, Texas - On Wednesday, a local 18-year old was discovered alone in his room masturbating. Mike Spender was caught in a compromising position with his pants around his ankles and a Magic the Gathering card in his hand.