Magic: the Gathering News for October 2002
Iraq Refuses Deck Check
WASHINGTON -- When the United Nations attempted to perform a deck check of the Iraqi deck Saddam Hussein would not allow it. The Americans then pressed for a forceful deck check. Kofi Annan, Head of the United Nations and Level 5 Judge denied this request, but did issue Iraq a warning for stalling.
Source of R&D Mishaps Discovered
Renton, WA -- In the past few years, R&D has created many cards that people would consider to be mistakes, either by virtue of being obviously too powerful, totally out of flavor for an already overpowered color (hey, you know what blue could use? a global reset!), or for being so depressingly useless as to make players wonder how anyone could come up with such dreck. Their card designs have often been referred to as half-baked. Ironically, it was discovered today by this reporter that this may be just the problem at R&D.
Duuuuuuuuuude, R&D Likes the ‘Special’ Brownies
Yes Dear Reader, our worst fears have been confirmed! Shortly after making his 7,534,524,642,346,745,346,324,000,000,000,004th veiled reference to his former job writing in Hollywood for the Grossanne show, Mark Rosewater has admitted that R&D IS, as suspected (and feared), on drugs! R&D’s "special brownies" are enjoyed by all!
Kai Makes Top 4 Without Even Showing Up
Philadelphia, PA -- In a move that impressed even the most jaded of Magic players, the man who seems to have done everything possible in the realm of Magic: the Gathering, Kai Budde has done the impossible by making the top 8 of a tournament he didn't even participate in!
Top Ten Invitational Captions
Here are (in my humble opinion) the top ten captions, each one followed by a credit to its author.
Fatman DQed at PTQ, Eagerly Awaits Banishment
Niles, IL -- On October 19 at a PTQ at Pastimes in Niles, IL (a Chicago suburb), Wisconsin resident Kurtis "Fatman" Hahn overheard his friend and fellow Wisconsinite Dan Flood bragging about his Round 2, 2-0 victory over Michael Dove. Later in the same round, as Dove was walking out for lunch, Hahn decides to take matters into his own hands and clocked him with a bottle of Minute Maid.
Surgery Required To Remove Stokinger's Nose From Ferret's Ass
COLUMBUS, OH -- The Ferret, editor of eternascrub site StarCityGames.com, successfully underwent an eight-hour procedure today to remove Team Academy webmaster Andy Stokinger's nose from his colon.
Korea Topdecks Nuclear Weapons
PYONGYANG, North Korea – North Korea shocked the world last week when a top North Korean official, Kang Suk Ju, unveiled the rogue nation’s new secret tech by topdecking a Nuclear Warhead. The legendary artifact was quickly put into play as America was caught without a Counterspell.
Poison to Make Triumphant Return to Magic
RENTON, WA -- Magic: the Gathering senior designer Mark Rosewater declared Wednesday that Poison would be soon coming back to Magic. "It's been a long time since Poison's seen the light of day," remarked Rosewater at a conference following the announcement. "But I've always loved Poison, and what I love, everybody must love."
Local Boy Breaks 1300 Barrier
PYRAMID CORNERS, Oklahoma - During last week's FNM tourney at Ray Bob’s Game & Feed Store, Horton "Fireball" Railsbeck lost all three of his matches in spectacular fashion. Guaranteeing that his DCI rating will drop below the fabled 1300 mark. As of next Monday, Horton will officially be the worst player in Magic history.
Scrub Writes Article Concerning Nothing of Importance
Today, to the reader's despair, a random scrub submitted an article to MiseTings.com containing nothing of importance. The evil plot construed by this random scrub has succeeded in its attempts to waste thousands of people's time in their daily lives.
Bin Laden Using Shady Tactics to Phase Himself Out
BAGRAM, Afghanistan -- Earlier this week, it was revealed to the public that Osama Bin Laden phased out during his last end step.
Top Ten Magic Headlines That Would Cause Mass Panic
10. Mark Rosewater Signs 20-Year Contract Extension
Magic Player Hits Rock Bottom
ROCKLAND, PA -- Mike Welsh, a 14 year old player of Magic: The Gathering has, after a slow descent into madness, hit rock bottom. Mike has been playing this game for a little more than three years, and is rated a respectable 27th in Rockland, Pennsylvania, at 1723. We follow him on an average day through Rockland Junior High as we see proof of his depressing state of mind.
Morons Unable To Play Until Next Segment Of Onslaught Review Arrives
ANN ARBOR, MI - Despite the fact that Jacob Hornbender and his friends opened two God decks and won boxes at the prerelease, the four of them steadfastly refuse to draft until Geordie Lipkin-Turner's next article, "Onslaught Set Review: Black" comes out.
Secrets of Magic Writing Revealed
Take it from me, it’s a lot easier than you think. Right now, at no charge to you, I’m going to give away a big insider secret. Here’s a sure fire system that will put YOU in the driver’s seat. Get the respect YOU deserve. But you must act now.