Magic: the Gathering News for January 2003
New Art Style to Go With New Layout
Hiroshima, Japan -- Over the course of GP: Hiroshima, Wizards has begun to unveil some of the new card art from the upcoming new set, Bacon. As well as showing off the art, Wizards has revealed the official set name to be "Yu-Gi-Mon". This set will be one of the first to use the new layout and new art.
Magic Players Realize that it is Wrong to Question Change
Seattle, Washington -- Citing recent message boards posts that decried changes in magic including the Eighth Edition layout change, a group known as TIUTAADC (Take It Up The Ass And Don’t Complain) spoke out yesterday against dissent.
Coming Soon To Misetings
Well folks, it's been a busy week, but we've got even more articles headed your way next week! Here's a preview of what's to come. . .
WotC Finally Caves In
Renton, WA -- Citing that over 14 billion people have opposed the new 8th edition card format, Wizards of the Coast has decided to Rescind their announcement. Mark Rosewater stated, "220% of the world has signed this petition. Noted luminaries George W. Bush, the entire WotC R&D team, the Pope, and others have begged us to change the cards back. Who are we to argue with them?"
Call to Arms #2: Quoth the Buehler, “Nevermore!”
I was perusing the sideboard.com site the other day (before Kai’s disturbingly familiar performance at yet another Pro Tour... *YAWN*) and I happened to look up at the eighth-edition previews (SHUT UP AND READ, GODDAMMIT! I know what you’re thinking, but chill for a second and you might learn something, this is better than just a rant).
Major Change In Magic Causes Idiots Everywhere to Quit
Chicago, IL -- Announcements on Sideboard.com and at the recent Pro Tour Chicago about the changing face of Magic in 8th edition has prompted thousands of Magic players to give up and quit the game, much like every other major change over the course of Magic history.
Report: Magic Players Fear Change
STANFORD, CA -- Hot on the heels of the recent news of the 8th edition redesign, a study just released from Stanford University reports that players of Magic: The Gathering fear change of any kind. "It's really quite astounding," said Leonard Horowitz, co-author of the study. "We did a five year longitudinal study of the behaviors of players of Magic and found that every single one of them reacts to any sort of change like a caveman finding fire."
"This is what I wanted for Magic, now please don't kill me!" says Garfield
AP - A dark basement, somewhere -- The creator of Magic, Richard Garfield, finally spoke out today about the redesign of the card faces for 8th Edition.
World Rails Against New Card Design
Washington, D.C. -- With the announcement of a new design for Magic cards people all over the world have risen up in protest. American nerds and computer programmers with nothing better to worry about are clearly not alone in feeling personally slighted by the radical changes.
Foil Collector Happy With New 8E Design
AP - Savannah, GA -- After learning that Wizards of the Coast would be changing the Magic: The Gathering card face to make cooler-looking foils, 10-year-old Billy Hampton of Savannah pumped his fist in a joyous frenzy. "
Magic Players Bitch About Something New
In a stunning reaction to Wizards of the Coast's recent announcement of a new look for Magic cards, players the world over decided to repeatedly bitch and moan about the change.
Magic's 10th Anniversary Inspires Huge Amount of Lameness
Renton, WA -- In a recent press release WotC announces that it will completely ruin the look of Magic: The Gathering cards in honor of the game’s 10-year anniversary. “Players these days have horrible taste,” said WotC ‘graphic artist’ Richard Moroni, “just pick a random haircut at any given PT."
Budde Quits Over Redesign
Chicago, IL -- This Friday, at the site of Pro Tour Chicago and Masters Chicago--in Chicago--Wizards of the Coast staff revealed the greatest change to the face of Magic since WotC eschewed clip art and Times New Roman for paid artists and Magic Medieval. With devilish grins, WotC staff unveiled a new card layout to premiere in 8th Edition.
"The new designs will grow on you," says Mark "Bling-Bling" Rosewater
AP - Renton, WA -- Responding to the recent backlash from Magic players worldwide, Mark "Bling-Bling" Rosewater assured his many legions of mages across the globe that they have nothing to fear. "Everything seems new at first!" said Rosewater, Speedo-clad and bathing in the Wizards of the Coast money bin. "I mean, on Roseanne, we had to deal with a new actress playing Becky, and everything worked out for the best on there!"
Re-Designed Card Faces to be Just One of Many Changes
Renton, WA -- According to a source inside Wizards of the Coast, the re-designed card face is just one of many sweeping changes to be introduced with Eighth Edition and Magic’s ten-year anniversary.
Wizards Decides to Destroy Magic
Renton, WA -- After 10 years of successful publication, sources on message boards across the internet have revealed that Wizards of the Coast is implementing a plan to destroy Magic. Sources indicate that this plan will involve a two-pronged attack on the popular trading card game.
Buehler's Yu-Gi-Oh! Addiction Changes the Face of Magic
Mark Rosewater and his best buddy, Randy Buehler, were sitting at the office one day, enjoying a casual game of Yu-Gi-Oh!. Mark was looking at his shiny foils while Randy was making quick work of a Snickers bar. As he sat awestruck by the coolness of his foil Judgeman, Mark had a revelation that would forever change the face of Magic.
My 8th Edition Opinion
First off, I HATE IT! Look for yourself.
Kai Ruins Well-Laid Plans
** SLUDGE REPORT ** In recent news, German Juggernaut Kai Budde doomed the well-laid plans of Mark "MaRo" Rosewater of Wizards R&D. While Rosewater had planned to talk about Legions "all-creatures-no-spells" gimmick in his MagictheGathering.com column next week, Kai spilled the beans in his most recent Sideboard article, confirming that Legions indeed contains only creature cards.
Errata issued on Kamahl, Pit Fighter
In an article on MTG.com yesterday, Mark Rosewater issued the following statement on how to win using the new Phage card without actually casting it. . .
Mark Rosewater Introduces "Broken" Combo
Being in R&D makes Mark Rosewater a very high-profile person in the Magic world. Having the job of designing the cards is probably the most important job concerning the development of the game. So one would think he'd have a clue of how the cards he designs work.
Good Man of the Week: Tight Tommy
This is a long time coming. This honor was preempted last week due to my experiences in New Orleans, but it is the third in the series commemorating my best PTQ experience of all time.
Grand Prix New Orleans – Recap
The city of New Orleans. The Big Easy. You'll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. It is no wonder that it has become one of the most popular tournament sites among Magic: the Gathering professionals. Famous for it’s Girls Gone Wild, (you won’t believe what they will do!), Nawleans ranks highly as one of the game’s most popular venues; falling right behind Amsterdam, Las Vegas, and Mos Eisley.
DCI Bans "Scissors" - The Pen is Mightier Than the Blade
A "Reader Response" to Monday's article: DCI Bans "Scissors". Although the DCI banning of scissors was a harsh and not easily taken loss to the competitive world of 'Rock, Paper, Scissors,' its disappearance will allow the re-emergence of an old and trusted friend to the newly defined format; this friend of course being the once dreaded and now unstoppable "Pencil."
Good Men of the Week: Matt Linde and Baby Huey
I have always liked Matt Linde and William Jensen. From the first time I met Huey we were friendly. Matt and I shared a poker table at Origins the year Kyle won Nationals and became pretty good friends. In fact they have always been two of my favorite people on the Pro Tour.
DCI bans "Scissors"
Renton, WA -- Citing the results of a recent 'Rock, Papers, Scissors' tournament, the DCI has banned the use of Scissors from all forms of sanctioned play. Jeff Williams, a spokesman for the DCI, explained, "The statistics don't lie. Over 30% of last weekends matches were won by players running Scissors. It's obviously too powerful for competitive play."