Magic: the Gathering News for June 2003
Limited Intelligence, Part 4: Scourge Blue
Welcome to my fourth installment of reviewing Scourge for the purposes of Limited play. Today I'm examining Blue. Let's take a look!
Mising in Iraq
I'd also like to state that this enclosed picture is absolutely original and un-edited or altered in anyway, I scanned it in and uploaded it. I think this is one of the funniest things I've ever seen in my life and I hope you guys get a kick out of it too.
Jeff Cunningham Writes Entirely False Article, Corrects Next Week
Jeff Cunningham, temporarily replacing Alex Shvartsman as the writer of Sideboard's Week in Review, has broken new ground in the world of Magic coverage. Last week, the pro player and master wordsmith crafted an entirely fraudulent Week in Review, only to correct the whole article this week.
Spike Lee Wins Injunction Against Psychatog
NEW YORK -- Noted actor/director Spike Lee celebrated a victory Thursday when he won a temporary injunction from a New York judge barring the use of the card Force Spike in Psychatog, or any other deck, pending a courtroom trial.
Make Over Controversy for the Magic Community
The debate began last month when a high school senior applying for college was enraged when he realized that magic is regarded as a collectible card game and not an intellectual extreme sport where high profiled colleges, CIA recruiters, and realty shows search for the next American Model.
Schadenfreude Ironically Directed At German Player
The world's irony meter inched just slightly to the right this week as hundreds of Magic players, forum users and columnists directed blatant schadenfreude toward veteran German player Kai Budde after a mistake he made in a tournament. "All kinds of people have been coming up to me and saying, 'Oh, hey, Kai, you made a mistake, ha ha ha,' all week long," Budde said Thursday.
Call to Arms #5
I bitch constantly about the latest block. One of the top standard decks right now is Elves. ELVES. Alone. Mono-color, even. Pointy-eared harbingers of do-gooder tree-hugging henanigans and homoerotic undertones.
German Nationals Toughest to Beat
"German nationals are BY FAR the toughest to beat!” An enthusiastic Kai Budde was overheard to say. “Look at how big and strong I am! You think your puny little aquamoeba can beat me? Never! I drink 16 glasses of milk a day.” The zealous German national is right. He has proven single-handedly, time and again, German Nationals ARE toughest to beat with more than 4 career top 8’s and that is only counting Friday Night magic tournaments.
Elves Wins German Nats; World Braces for Armageddon
Mainz, Germany -- In a shock to the Magic community, and subsequently the World, Elves managed to fight its way through German Nationals, and best a Reanimator deck in the finals. The world now prepares itself for the eventual cataclysm that will herald the end of the world.
DCI Banned And Restricted Update Update
Renton, WA -- After making the official press release regarding the restriction of an as-of-yet uninvented Darksteel card in Type 1, further information was learned in regards to the Banned and Restricted List. Up next on the chopping block: Everything before Eighth Edition.
All-Time MVPs: Island
Island, on the surface, is just a simple source of blue mana. Back in the heyday of Magic, people looked at it and said, “What’s this? You can’t even use it to cast Lightning Bolt?” It wasn’t until Magic: The Puzzling columnist, Mark Rosewater, debuted a puzzle called “Design Space” that dared to use islands as a key piece of the solution, that people began exploring the newfound facet of the game.
Hormones Fly at GP: Pittsburgh, Wizards’ Secret Plan Revealed
As the secret first step of Wizards’ new plan to take Magic in a “bold new direction,” The Sideboard hired former Star City writer and all-around cutie Mary Van Tyne to do Feature Match Coverage for the weekend. Sources inside WoTC confirmed that this was not mere serendipity, but instead was part of a long-term secret plan to begin introducing real women with real breasts into the game.
KIDS HELP PHONE Hires Will Brinkman, Regrets Error
Kenosha, WI -- A spokesman for "Kids Help Phone," a charitable organization that provides suicide counseling and other programs for troubled teens over the phone, released a statement today apologizing for their decision to hire noted misanthrope Will Brinkman as a phone representative and counselor at the Kenosha regional office.