Associated Press - When the judge sentenced him after his third sexual assault conviction, 43-year-old Ryan Silman thought his life was over. The law mandated that any future neighborhood be notified before Silman moved into a given area, meaning that he would be a marked man, doomed to be excluded and ostracized for the rest of his life. However, all that changed last month, when the Kansas native discovered Magic: the Gathering and its premier humor site, MiseTings.com. With its open forums, the multiple-rapist had found a welcoming community of similar misfits, one into which Silman fit like an old shoe.

"This is great," Silman told reporters last Friday. "I get to talk about blowjobs all day. No one judges me here. I can post just about anything I want about molesting little boys and how I hate Canadians and ice cream and Jews and counterspells and it will just get an 'lol' from someone as sick as myself. Best yet, I can get an immediate response at almost any hour of the day, since none of the other creeps on the site have anything better to do."

Silman, who posts under the screen name DarkAlleyMiz0r, has even gone so far as to start his own forum topics. Among the topics sprung from the multiple sex offender's whimsy: 'I heard this was the place to talk about molesting young children,' 'How do you like to Spring Forth?' and 'Islands are soooooooo broken.'

Observers have applauded Silman's successful re-integration into society. "It's nice to see him interacting with people over the age of twelve," said Mike Jennings, Silman's parole officer. "I personally didn't know a whole lot about this 'Magic Gathering Cards' thing, but I can see that [Silman] really fits in well. It's nice to see social outcasts getting along so well with each other. Magic, particularly this 'Pro Tour' thing they talk about, seems to be full of shady characters just like Ryan. These are generally 40+, single, obese men who live with their parents in greasy basements - mostly harmless, but we're still keeping an eye on the lot of them."

Leading criminal psychology researchers have already launched studies on the Magic community that is drawing an increasing number of once and former perverts. A January Gallup poll showed that 94% of mothers do not, in fact, know anything about the fat, sweaty, hairy old men who work behind the counters of local game shops that young Magic players are known to frequent. Another study last March by the University of Chicago revealed that Magic has more Level 3 sex offenders than Level 3 judges. Last week, a UCLA psychology grad student recently submitted a portfolio of portraits of Magic storeowners and Godzilla team members for his thesis on pedophilia.

Despite the heavy scrutiny, Silman was optimistic about his future as a MiseTings poster. "I've already received warm welcomes from members who are into 'hardcore' just like me," he said. "Magic looks like the perfect match for me. I can't wait to start reaming newbies. In trades, of course."

Not everyone is as excited at Silman's arrival. "WTF is wrong with you cavedan, why are you always putting down Magic players?" said long-time Magic player Sol Malka. "I know many decent people who play Magic and none of them are rapists or child molesters. I don't care whether it's just a joke; you should take some pride in your game and get some FUCKING SELF ESTEEM."

Regarding Malka's response, a senior FBI official offered the following: "Working closely with the Child Protection Agency, we have had our eye on Mr. Malka for some time. While we will certainly take his concerns into account, we are confident that that creep won't be on the streets much longer."

Discuss this article in the Magic: the Gathering Forums!

Associated Press - When the judge sentenced him after his third sexual assault conviction, 43-year-old Ryan Silman thought his life was over. The law mandated that any future neighborhood be notified before Silman moved into a given area, meaning that he would be a marked man, doomed to be excluded and ostracized for the rest of his life. However, all that changed last month, when the Kansas native discovered Magic: the Gathering and its premier humor site, MiseTings.com. With its open forums, the multiple-rapist had found a welcoming community of similar misfits, one into which Silman fit like an old shoe.

"This is great," Silman told reporters last Friday. "I get to talk about blowjobs all day. No one judges me here. I can post just about anything I want about molesting little boys and how I hate Canadians and ice cream and Jews and counterspells and it will just get an 'lol' from someone as sick as myself. Best yet, I can get an immediate response at almost any hour of the day, since none of the other creeps on the site have anything better to do."

Silman, who posts under the screen name DarkAlleyMiz0r, has even gone so far as to start his own forum topics. Among the topics sprung from the multiple sex offender's whimsy: 'I heard this was the place to talk about molesting young children,' 'How do you like to Spring Forth?' and 'Islands are soooooooo broken.'

Observers have applauded Silman's successful re-integration into society. "It's nice to see him interacting with people over the age of twelve," said Mike Jennings, Silman's parole officer. "I personally didn't know a whole lot about this 'Magic Gathering Cards' thing, but I can see that [Silman] really fits in well. It's nice to see social outcasts getting along so well with each other. Magic, particularly this 'Pro Tour' thing they talk about, seems to be full of shady characters just like Ryan. These are generally 40+, single, obese men who live with their parents in greasy basements - mostly harmless, but we're still keeping an eye on the lot of them."

Leading criminal psychology researchers have already launched studies on the Magic community that is drawing an increasing number of once and former perverts. A January Gallup poll showed that 94% of mothers do not, in fact, know anything about the fat, sweaty, hairy old men who work behind the counters of local game shops that young Magic players are known to frequent. Another study last March by the University of Chicago revealed that Magic has more Level 3 sex offenders than Level 3 judges. Last week, a UCLA psychology grad student recently submitted a portfolio of portraits of Magic storeowners and Godzilla team members for his thesis on pedophilia.

Despite the heavy scrutiny, Silman was optimistic about his future as a MiseTings poster. "I've already received warm welcomes from members who are into 'hardcore' just like me," he said. "Magic looks like the perfect match for me. I can't wait to start reaming newbies. In trades, of course."

Not everyone is as excited at Silman's arrival. "WTF is wrong with you cavedan, why are you always putting down Magic players?" said long-time Magic player Sol Malka. "I know many decent people who play Magic and none of them are rapists or child molesters. I don't care whether it's just a joke; you should take some pride in your game and get some FUCKING SELF ESTEEM."

Regarding Malka's response, a senior FBI official offered the following: "Working closely with the Child Protection Agency, we have had our eye on Mr. Malka for some time. While we will certainly take his concerns into account, we are confident that that creep won't be on the streets much longer."

Discuss this article in the Magic: the Gathering Forums!