There was a disproportionate amount of Nick Eisel news this week, which is acceptable because you probably will not be hearing that name again for a long time. Anyway, here's the latest:

Player of No Importance Disqualified at Boston

A player of little consequence was disqualified on a matter of procedure during Day 1 of Grand Prix Boston, representatives from Wizards of the Coast announced. The incident, which was reportedly barely worthy of mention, involved a player of minor note adding cards to his sealed deck.

When pressed for further comment, a Wizards official assured reporters that the incident was most likely a one-time attempt at cheating by a player that we have probably never heard of. "This Nick Ein-something or whatever his name is tried one of the most obvious tricks in the book, stuffing bomb rares into his deck," a spokesperson from the DCI assured reporters. "This sort of thing is very easy to catch, and will probably never happen again. I mean, if any old random tried to add cards to his deck, we'd be seeing undefeated Day 1 decks featuring Starstorm, Rorix, AND Butcher Orgg. Hell, maybe even 2 Starstorms or 2 Visaras – as you can see, this sort of stunt never goes uncaught or unpunished."

In a public statement, Wizards affirmed that the player in question was not in any was affiliated with Wizards of the Coast or its affiliates, online products, or websites, and had certainly not received any monetary compensation from the company in the form of writer salary or prize payouts. "I guess in a way you could say we had the last laugh," said another DCI official, "since this guy paid the entire Grand Prix entry fee and got nothing in return. Believe me, if it had been anyone even worth mentioning, you would have heard about it on Sideboard Online, our official website."

In unrelated news, Wizards officials announced the hiring of crovax69 as the company's first-ever unofficial Magic Online poster boy.

Trey Van Cleave Correctly Reads Signal

In a display of seasoned experience, raw talent, and immaculate skill, Trey Van Cleave made the correct read on a signal from Zvi Mowshowitz in the Booster Draft portion of Grand Prix Boston. The lightning analysis was made possible by solid draft theory and a thorough understanding of the Onslaught format, which enabled Van Cleave to correctly choose green as his primary color.

Many pros over the years have stressed the importance of following signals, which Van Cleave so deftly demonstrated. "The idea behind the signal is that if you can stay out of the colors of your neighbors, you get more chances at high quality picks," explained J. Gary Wise, widely considered the world's foremost authority on limited play. "It's tricky to do but the rewards can be big. If, for example, you deduce that your neighbor has selected a common and there is a Snarling Undorak remaining, it is a safe bet that they are not playing green."

Van Cleave's perfect execution of the difficult maneuver has earned him even more widespread acclaim, which combined with his amazing three Grand Prix wins puts him on a level rivaling Shvartsman, Budde, and God himself. Van Cleave was kind enough to detail his experience in an exclusive interview. "One important concept in draft is that you sometimes have to sacrifice your first pick for the good of you deck as a whole," Van Cleave explained. "As a simple analogy, it is a good investment to sacrifice a little bit of money to bribe your opponent to concede if you know it will pay off with at least $2000 guaranteed at the Masters Series."

The interpretation of the signal allowed Van Cleave to assemble a solid red/green deck featuring Snarling Undorak and Ravenous Baloth […technology] borrowed from Nick Eisel, which helped the windmill salesman to a 14th place finish and a $500 payday. After making the read on Mowshowitz's pack, Van Cleave then passed his pack to Zvi and accepted a booster from his right-hand neighbor Jason Imperiale.

The only sour spot for Van Cleave was his defeat at the hands of Mowshowitz, who embarrassed him 2-0 in a Round 10 feature match. According to feature match reporter Matt Urban, Trey was "a little miffed at the power of Zvi's red cards," as he was feeding him for two of the three packs. This led to suspicions of shady conduct on the part of Mowshowitz, prompting Van Cleave to comment, "I could have sworn he took the Revival…"

Above: Van Cleave puts theory into practice by correctly reading the signal.

Remembering DoctorJay: the Man, the Legend

The Magic community bid farewell last week to one of its brightest stars, legendary deckbuiler Jay "DoctorJay" Moldenhauer-Salazar, who retired after a storied career both as a player and a columnist for magicthegathering.com. Mr. Moldenheimer-Salizar, who had garnered a fearsome reputation on the Pro Tour and among internet writing circles alike, finally turned in his sleeves said farewell in his "House of Cards" column last week.

At a press conference, numerous Magic players shared their fondest memories of Moldinghaumer-Salzar from over the years. "DJ was like a mentor to me," recalled Kai Budde, tearing up with emotion. "He showed me what I should strive to be, both as a player and a writer. I will be sad to see him go."

"He was always something of a bird trapped in a cage that was too small for his great spirit," added Jonathan Finkel, who like Budde is best known as another also-ran trying to make a name for himself in Moldensomething-Salezar's shadow. "This game will not be the same without him."

It was an emotional day at the Wizards of the Coast headquarters, where Jay M-S said his final goodbyes. After gathering his personal effects, he then completed an exit interview and rode off into the sunset, towards the unemployment office.

Eisel, Long to Write "The Nick Eisel Story"

Embattled gamer Nick Eisel announced yesterday that he has contracted Mike Long to co-author his upcoming "The Nick Eisel Story" for Sideboard Online. Long, who has been rapidly gaining reputation as a fiction writer ever since his critically acclaimed "My Story," is expected to add creativity and experience to the already promising piece.

Eisel was kind enough to answer questions at a recent press conference. "Sideboard had initially contacted me about a solo piece detailing my side of the story," Eisel explained. "However, after seeing some of Mike's work on his own autobiography, I knew I just had to have him. We've already worked out most of the storyline and I can promise you several exciting plot twists – he's a real fountain of ideas."

Included in the piece will be an account of how Eisel saved a local orphanage from being bought out by ruthless businessmen by donating 3,000 Event Tickets to charity, and the tragic tale of Eisel's little sister Melissa who needed Brother Nicky's prize money from GP Boston for a life-saving Leukemia operation. The finished piece will be available nationwide on Sideboard.com and wherever fine fiction is sold.

Play of the Week + Bonus Play of the Week

I hadn't actually expected any of you lazy bastards to send me a play of the week, so you can imagine my surprise when I checked my email and found this gem waiting for me, courtesy of Dan from GA. Now, with the creature-heavy Legions entering the limited environment, Falter effects such as Wave of Indifference and Dirge of Dread have gotten increasing hype. However, most people don't realize that there is an even more powerful card, the rarely seen Dirge of Dred, that is capable of wiping out your opponent's entire team! The play speaks for itself:

"on Magic online my oppenent swung with teen and taunting elf for lethal damage and myself have a white and black untapped, i cycled dirge of dred on the elf then blovked it with my only black creature and set the rest of blocks up so i loose nothing and he loses everything. Shortly after the resolution of damage he conceded."

This should serve as a warning to all you drafters out there: you may think you have the situation under control, but there are all kinds of rogue cards like Dirge of Dred, Chastise, and Humpus Wumpus that can pop up unexpectedly and completely wreck your team with killer blovks; you just may loose everything.

And, since I don't want to bother saving this one for later, here is the Play of the Week that I was planning on using. I happened to be the victim of this particular humiliation while practicing Onslaught/Legions sealed. I had the game pretty much wrapped up, with my Wellwisher gaining 8 life a turn against a white/green deck with no way to remove it (yes, his card pool was that bad). The board was cluttering up with creatures, as usual, when I finally drew my Stag Beetle, which came down as a monstrous 20/20. Since I didn't have enough cards to deck him, I sent in the Beetle and several other huge beaters to whittle his forces away, backed up by a variety of combat tricks. He made the expected blocks, trading some guys, chumping some guys, and tossing a random morph in front of the Beetle. Now, being the good player I am, I activate the Wellwisher and go up to 95 life before damage resolves and kills some of this elves, so I am feeling pretty damn cocky when he taps a measly three mana in response. He then proceeds to unmorph his Broodhatch Nantuko, netting himself 20 insect tokens, which he swings with on his next turn. Being the asshole that I am, I'm thinking about how he just might keep me under a hundred life as I set up my blocks to kill his guys. He then taps 11 mana to cast Tribal Unity for eight, dealing 135 damage and ending my shit right then and there. How embarrassing. =[

Have a play of the week that Shvartsman rejected, or just feel like making something up? Send a private message to cavedan or email me at cavedan199@yahoo.com.

Retro: Ohio Valley Regionals Report by Steve Gossett

I've decided to wrap up these columns with a classic from days past, so that any of you who might be thinking of submitting an article (which I strongly discourage unless you are absolutely certain you are not shit) have a standard of quality to aspire to.

This week's article comes from TheDojo back in the day. Long before there was Benafel's Invitational Report, Steve Gossett was the original master of the fake tourney. You may remember Steve from the classic MT articles "Zvi Mowshowitz Doesn't Take a Shower" and "73% of Indiana Mages Not Aware of Main Phase B," certainly among the top 20 articles ever posted on MiseTings (yes, I do actually have a list of the best MT articles ever, I'm not just saying that). While Gossett does not write nearly enough anymore, this gem should provide you with an interesting metagame consideration when building your Regionals playtest gauntlet. We miss you, Steve.

Discuss this article in the Magic: the Gathering Forums!

There was a disproportionate amount of Nick Eisel news this week, which is acceptable because you probably will not be hearing that name again for a long time. Anyway, here's the latest:

Player of No Importance Disqualified at Boston

A player of little consequence was disqualified on a matter of procedure during Day 1 of Grand Prix Boston, representatives from Wizards of the Coast announced. The incident, which was reportedly barely worthy of mention, involved a player of minor note adding cards to his sealed deck.

When pressed for further comment, a Wizards official assured reporters that the incident was most likely a one-time attempt at cheating by a player that we have probably never heard of. "This Nick Ein-something or whatever his name is tried one of the most obvious tricks in the book, stuffing bomb rares into his deck," a spokesperson from the DCI assured reporters. "This sort of thing is very easy to catch, and will probably never happen again. I mean, if any old random tried to add cards to his deck, we'd be seeing undefeated Day 1 decks featuring Starstorm, Rorix, AND Butcher Orgg. Hell, maybe even 2 Starstorms or 2 Visaras – as you can see, this sort of stunt never goes uncaught or unpunished."

In a public statement, Wizards affirmed that the player in question was not in any was affiliated with Wizards of the Coast or its affiliates, online products, or websites, and had certainly not received any monetary compensation from the company in the form of writer salary or prize payouts. "I guess in a way you could say we had the last laugh," said another DCI official, "since this guy paid the entire Grand Prix entry fee and got nothing in return. Believe me, if it had been anyone even worth mentioning, you would have heard about it on Sideboard Online, our official website."

In unrelated news, Wizards officials announced the hiring of crovax69 as the company's first-ever unofficial Magic Online poster boy.

Trey Van Cleave Correctly Reads Signal

In a display of seasoned experience, raw talent, and immaculate skill, Trey Van Cleave made the correct read on a signal from Zvi Mowshowitz in the Booster Draft portion of Grand Prix Boston. The lightning analysis was made possible by solid draft theory and a thorough understanding of the Onslaught format, which enabled Van Cleave to correctly choose green as his primary color.

Many pros over the years have stressed the importance of following signals, which Van Cleave so deftly demonstrated. "The idea behind the signal is that if you can stay out of the colors of your neighbors, you get more chances at high quality picks," explained J. Gary Wise, widely considered the world's foremost authority on limited play. "It's tricky to do but the rewards can be big. If, for example, you deduce that your neighbor has selected a common and there is a Snarling Undorak remaining, it is a safe bet that they are not playing green."

Van Cleave's perfect execution of the difficult maneuver has earned him even more widespread acclaim, which combined with his amazing three Grand Prix wins puts him on a level rivaling Shvartsman, Budde, and God himself. Van Cleave was kind enough to detail his experience in an exclusive interview. "One important concept in draft is that you sometimes have to sacrifice your first pick for the good of you deck as a whole," Van Cleave explained. "As a simple analogy, it is a good investment to sacrifice a little bit of money to bribe your opponent to concede if you know it will pay off with at least $2000 guaranteed at the Masters Series."

The interpretation of the signal allowed Van Cleave to assemble a solid red/green deck featuring Snarling Undorak and Ravenous Baloth […technology] borrowed from Nick Eisel, which helped the windmill salesman to a 14th place finish and a $500 payday. After making the read on Mowshowitz's pack, Van Cleave then passed his pack to Zvi and accepted a booster from his right-hand neighbor Jason Imperiale.

The only sour spot for Van Cleave was his defeat at the hands of Mowshowitz, who embarrassed him 2-0 in a Round 10 feature match. According to feature match reporter Matt Urban, Trey was "a little miffed at the power of Zvi's red cards," as he was feeding him for two of the three packs. This led to suspicions of shady conduct on the part of Mowshowitz, prompting Van Cleave to comment, "I could have sworn he took the Revival…"

Above: Van Cleave puts theory into practice by correctly reading the signal.

Remembering DoctorJay: the Man, the Legend

The Magic community bid farewell last week to one of its brightest stars, legendary deckbuiler Jay "DoctorJay" Moldenhauer-Salazar, who retired after a storied career both as a player and a columnist for magicthegathering.com. Mr. Moldenheimer-Salizar, who had garnered a fearsome reputation on the Pro Tour and among internet writing circles alike, finally turned in his sleeves said farewell in his "House of Cards" column last week.

At a press conference, numerous Magic players shared their fondest memories of Moldinghaumer-Salzar from over the years. "DJ was like a mentor to me," recalled Kai Budde, tearing up with emotion. "He showed me what I should strive to be, both as a player and a writer. I will be sad to see him go."

"He was always something of a bird trapped in a cage that was too small for his great spirit," added Jonathan Finkel, who like Budde is best known as another also-ran trying to make a name for himself in Moldensomething-Salezar's shadow. "This game will not be the same without him."

It was an emotional day at the Wizards of the Coast headquarters, where Jay M-S said his final goodbyes. After gathering his personal effects, he then completed an exit interview and rode off into the sunset, towards the unemployment office.

Eisel, Long to Write "The Nick Eisel Story"

Embattled gamer Nick Eisel announced yesterday that he has contracted Mike Long to co-author his upcoming "The Nick Eisel Story" for Sideboard Online. Long, who has been rapidly gaining reputation as a fiction writer ever since his critically acclaimed "My Story," is expected to add creativity and experience to the already promising piece.

Eisel was kind enough to answer questions at a recent press conference. "Sideboard had initially contacted me about a solo piece detailing my side of the story," Eisel explained. "However, after seeing some of Mike's work on his own autobiography, I knew I just had to have him. We've already worked out most of the storyline and I can promise you several exciting plot twists – he's a real fountain of ideas."

Included in the piece will be an account of how Eisel saved a local orphanage from being bought out by ruthless businessmen by donating 3,000 Event Tickets to charity, and the tragic tale of Eisel's little sister Melissa who needed Brother Nicky's prize money from GP Boston for a life-saving Leukemia operation. The finished piece will be available nationwide on Sideboard.com and wherever fine fiction is sold.

Play of the Week + Bonus Play of the Week

I hadn't actually expected any of you lazy bastards to send me a play of the week, so you can imagine my surprise when I checked my email and found this gem waiting for me, courtesy of Dan from GA. Now, with the creature-heavy Legions entering the limited environment, Falter effects such as Wave of Indifference and Dirge of Dread have gotten increasing hype. However, most people don't realize that there is an even more powerful card, the rarely seen Dirge of Dred, that is capable of wiping out your opponent's entire team! The play speaks for itself:

"on Magic online my oppenent swung with teen and taunting elf for lethal damage and myself have a white and black untapped, i cycled dirge of dred on the elf then blovked it with my only black creature and set the rest of blocks up so i loose nothing and he loses everything. Shortly after the resolution of damage he conceded."

This should serve as a warning to all you drafters out there: you may think you have the situation under control, but there are all kinds of rogue cards like Dirge of Dred, Chastise, and Humpus Wumpus that can pop up unexpectedly and completely wreck your team with killer blovks; you just may loose everything.

And, since I don't want to bother saving this one for later, here is the Play of the Week that I was planning on using. I happened to be the victim of this particular humiliation while practicing Onslaught/Legions sealed. I had the game pretty much wrapped up, with my Wellwisher gaining 8 life a turn against a white/green deck with no way to remove it (yes, his card pool was that bad). The board was cluttering up with creatures, as usual, when I finally drew my Stag Beetle, which came down as a monstrous 20/20. Since I didn't have enough cards to deck him, I sent in the Beetle and several other huge beaters to whittle his forces away, backed up by a variety of combat tricks. He made the expected blocks, trading some guys, chumping some guys, and tossing a random morph in front of the Beetle. Now, being the good player I am, I activate the Wellwisher and go up to 95 life before damage resolves and kills some of this elves, so I am feeling pretty damn cocky when he taps a measly three mana in response. He then proceeds to unmorph his Broodhatch Nantuko, netting himself 20 insect tokens, which he swings with on his next turn. Being the asshole that I am, I'm thinking about how he just might keep me under a hundred life as I set up my blocks to kill his guys. He then taps 11 mana to cast Tribal Unity for eight, dealing 135 damage and ending my shit right then and there. How embarrassing. =[

Have a play of the week that Shvartsman rejected, or just feel like making something up? Send a private message to cavedan or email me at cavedan199@yahoo.com.

Retro: Ohio Valley Regionals Report by Steve Gossett

I've decided to wrap up these columns with a classic from days past, so that any of you who might be thinking of submitting an article (which I strongly discourage unless you are absolutely certain you are not shit) have a standard of quality to aspire to.

This week's article comes from TheDojo back in the day. Long before there was Benafel's Invitational Report, Steve Gossett was the original master of the fake tourney. You may remember Steve from the classic MT articles "Zvi Mowshowitz Doesn't Take a Shower" and "73% of Indiana Mages Not Aware of Main Phase B," certainly among the top 20 articles ever posted on MiseTings (yes, I do actually have a list of the best MT articles ever, I'm not just saying that). While Gossett does not write nearly enough anymore, this gem should provide you with an interesting metagame consideration when building your Regionals playtest gauntlet. We miss you, Steve.

Discuss this article in the Magic: the Gathering Forums!