As the secret first step of Wizards’ new plan to take Magic in a “bold new direction,” The Sideboard hired former Star City writer and all-around cutie Mary Van Tyne to do Feature Match Coverage for the weekend. Sources inside WoTC confirmed that this was not mere serendipity, but instead was part of a long-term secret plan to begin introducing real women with real breasts into the game.

The source, who would only be interviewed on condition of anonymity said, “We’ve been slowly working up to this for years. You see, it all started when we got the research back from marketing about the sexual habits of Magic players.”

“The initial numbers said that only 10% of our purchasers over the age of 16 were virgins, but we all knew that was horseshit. When we factored out respondents who thought watching porn, masturbation, autofellatio, or screwing a blow-up doll meant they had had sex, the percentage of virgins jumped all the way up to 75%. It was then that we knew we had a problem.”

“In order to grow the game (cough*increase profits*cough) and keep Hasbro off our case, we need to bring in new players. If Magic players never score, that means there will be a lot fewer kids in the world that won’t be buying the game, and it also means that we’ll all have to get off our asses and get real jobs. There are a lot of smart people here who did not want things to come to that, so Richard called a big meeting and laid down the law, telling everyone, ‘We have got to get those little bastards [fornicating]! I don’t care what you have to do, just make it happen.’”

“Therefore R&D came up with a plan: we needed to slowly teach players how to be comfortable with the female gender. They kicked things off simply by putting more women into the card art and that helped a little. Then Operation: Prime the Pump took over, and during the last 5 Blocks we’ve gradually been making them more attractive and increasing the size of their boobs while decreasing the amount of clothing they are wearing.”

“As you can see by looking at Improvised Armor and Akroma, we’ve pretty much reached the limits of what we can do there. There’s a reason why Onslaught was called “The Fatty Block” during development.”

“While we were doing that, we also decided to synergize what R&D was doing with the card art with some of the writing on non-Wizards websites. First, we set up a shell company and founded TeamAcademy.com to provide Magic ‘Babes of the Month’ and highlight selected women we thought Magic players would be attracted to. Personally, I think it was a stroke of genius, because who the hell would ever connect them back to us?”

“Next we set Rosewater loose under his ‘Ted Knutson’ pseudonym, where he wrote columns essentially filled with soft porn pin-ups. I thought we were going to be busted there when Mark started writing horrible jokes along with the porn, but it got him to stop ‘making funnys’ around the office, so we were willing to take the chance.”

Mary Van Tyne, Fembot Extraordinaire

“Part three of the plan was Experiment: Pheromones that we executed this weekend in Pittsburgh. Fembot Van Tyne was put into coverage so that she could be up close and personal with the players at each feature match. We were concerned that placing women this close to the playing area would result in incidents of either uncontrolled rage or premature ejaculation, but it appears that Prime the Pump worked and the experiment came off without a twitch.”

“In fact, we think that instead of ruining the game, it actually improved the play of some players. Zvi seemed to use the Fembot as a muse, as again and again he rallied his teammates to victory, all for the ‘love of Mary’. At least that’s what we think he said, but he mumbles to himself a lot, so he might have been saying my ‘my balls are hairy’ or ‘Kyle Rose is scary.’ Just before the finals though, we were sure we caught him mouthing “She loves me” to teammates Shvartsman and Gary as Mary walked by his chair to setup for more match coverage.”

“Hell, Zvi even showered before Day 2, so we know that something radical was going on.”

“Anyway, this summer we will start increasing the amount of female reporters at Premiere Events and each new girl will be hotter and have bigger tits than the next. If that’s successful, then we’ll enact Operation: Hot and Heavy and release the real Mirrodin, which is actually a set that we contracted out to Osyp Lebedowicz. It will have the new ‘salsa dance’ and ‘mack the Bettys’ mechanics that will subliminally teach players how to be suave and come on to the ladies.”

“Then comes the final step of the project, codenamed ‘Multiple Orgasm’, where we open a series of card-shop-slash-dance-clubs across the United States and Europe. Each club will have rigorously enforced dress and hygiene codes for the men and a permanent “Ladies Drink Free” policy on the weekends. ‘Friday Night Magic’ will take on a whole new meaning.”

“If all of this is successful, we’ll be rolling in the dough for decades to come.”

During polling of Grand Prix attendees, the following players weren’t actually contacted, but if they were, they might have had the following comments about Wizards new feature match coverage:

Mike Pustilnik: “This is the closest I’ve been to an attractive woman since the last time I had to play Benafel and Liz was around to watch the match.”

Kibler: “I’m so much hotter than Finkel.”

Rubin: “Brian’s so much hotter than Finkel.”

Jon Becker: “I think it’s [expletive deleted] great! Anybody got a beer?”

Josh Bennett: “I might be the only male player in Magic without any tits, but I hope this doesn’t mean I’m out of a job.”

Discuss this article in the Magic: the Gathering Forums!

As the secret first step of Wizards’ new plan to take Magic in a “bold new direction,” The Sideboard hired former Star City writer and all-around cutie Mary Van Tyne to do Feature Match Coverage for the weekend. Sources inside WoTC confirmed that this was not mere serendipity, but instead was part of a long-term secret plan to begin introducing real women with real breasts into the game.

The source, who would only be interviewed on condition of anonymity said, “We’ve been slowly working up to this for years. You see, it all started when we got the research back from marketing about the sexual habits of Magic players.”

“The initial numbers said that only 10% of our purchasers over the age of 16 were virgins, but we all knew that was horseshit. When we factored out respondents who thought watching porn, masturbation, autofellatio, or screwing a blow-up doll meant they had had sex, the percentage of virgins jumped all the way up to 75%. It was then that we knew we had a problem.”

“In order to grow the game (cough*increase profits*cough) and keep Hasbro off our case, we need to bring in new players. If Magic players never score, that means there will be a lot fewer kids in the world that won’t be buying the game, and it also means that we’ll all have to get off our asses and get real jobs. There are a lot of smart people here who did not want things to come to that, so Richard called a big meeting and laid down the law, telling everyone, ‘We have got to get those little bastards [fornicating]! I don’t care what you have to do, just make it happen.’”

“Therefore R&D came up with a plan: we needed to slowly teach players how to be comfortable with the female gender. They kicked things off simply by putting more women into the card art and that helped a little. Then Operation: Prime the Pump took over, and during the last 5 Blocks we’ve gradually been making them more attractive and increasing the size of their boobs while decreasing the amount of clothing they are wearing.”

“As you can see by looking at Improvised Armor and Akroma, we’ve pretty much reached the limits of what we can do there. There’s a reason why Onslaught was called “The Fatty Block” during development.”

“While we were doing that, we also decided to synergize what R&D was doing with the card art with some of the writing on non-Wizards websites. First, we set up a shell company and founded TeamAcademy.com to provide Magic ‘Babes of the Month’ and highlight selected women we thought Magic players would be attracted to. Personally, I think it was a stroke of genius, because who the hell would ever connect them back to us?”

“Next we set Rosewater loose under his ‘Ted Knutson’ pseudonym, where he wrote columns essentially filled with soft porn pin-ups. I thought we were going to be busted there when Mark started writing horrible jokes along with the porn, but it got him to stop ‘making funnys’ around the office, so we were willing to take the chance.”

Mary Van Tyne, Fembot Extraordinaire

“Part three of the plan was Experiment: Pheromones that we executed this weekend in Pittsburgh. Fembot Van Tyne was put into coverage so that she could be up close and personal with the players at each feature match. We were concerned that placing women this close to the playing area would result in incidents of either uncontrolled rage or premature ejaculation, but it appears that Prime the Pump worked and the experiment came off without a twitch.”

“In fact, we think that instead of ruining the game, it actually improved the play of some players. Zvi seemed to use the Fembot as a muse, as again and again he rallied his teammates to victory, all for the ‘love of Mary’. At least that’s what we think he said, but he mumbles to himself a lot, so he might have been saying my ‘my balls are hairy’ or ‘Kyle Rose is scary.’ Just before the finals though, we were sure we caught him mouthing “She loves me” to teammates Shvartsman and Gary as Mary walked by his chair to setup for more match coverage.”

“Hell, Zvi even showered before Day 2, so we know that something radical was going on.”

“Anyway, this summer we will start increasing the amount of female reporters at Premiere Events and each new girl will be hotter and have bigger tits than the next. If that’s successful, then we’ll enact Operation: Hot and Heavy and release the real Mirrodin, which is actually a set that we contracted out to Osyp Lebedowicz. It will have the new ‘salsa dance’ and ‘mack the Bettys’ mechanics that will subliminally teach players how to be suave and come on to the ladies.”

“Then comes the final step of the project, codenamed ‘Multiple Orgasm’, where we open a series of card-shop-slash-dance-clubs across the United States and Europe. Each club will have rigorously enforced dress and hygiene codes for the men and a permanent “Ladies Drink Free” policy on the weekends. ‘Friday Night Magic’ will take on a whole new meaning.”

“If all of this is successful, we’ll be rolling in the dough for decades to come.”

During polling of Grand Prix attendees, the following players weren’t actually contacted, but if they were, they might have had the following comments about Wizards new feature match coverage:

Mike Pustilnik: “This is the closest I’ve been to an attractive woman since the last time I had to play Benafel and Liz was around to watch the match.”

Kibler: “I’m so much hotter than Finkel.”

Rubin: “Brian’s so much hotter than Finkel.”

Jon Becker: “I think it’s [expletive deleted] great! Anybody got a beer?”

Josh Bennett: “I might be the only male player in Magic without any tits, but I hope this doesn’t mean I’m out of a job.”

Discuss this article in the Magic: the Gathering Forums!