An editorial by Nathan "Reverend Bob the Junkie" Woodall.

(Fair warning: If you are at work and click a link that might get you in trouble, it’s your own fault. Look before you leap by hovering over the link with your mouse and looking at the bottom-left corner of your browser to see where you’re about to go.)

Yeah, yeah, I know you all missed me the past month or two, but you can hold back the tears ‘cuz I ain’t huggin’ ya, and I ain’t kissin’ ya, and I STILL ain’t gonna respect you in the morning. We got a lot of ground to cover, so let’s get to work…

I want to begin by providing you with a simple guide to illustrating the fantasy card game of your choice: Take random hottie, add impossibly huge weaponry that weighs more than her, stick her in band-aids and high-heels, make her hooters look like two Volkswagen beetles in a hammock, draw some wind effects, and BAM! You got your very own Angel of Masturbation.

People, is there no originality anymore? Does every warrior of either sex have to totally disregard physics and/or functionality? Is it too much to expect to get some heroines drawn with arms that could actually wield the Sword of Facemashery (+4)? Is it impossible for us to get some females that aren’t considered ready to do battle when clad only in the Skimpy Loincloth of Debauchery (+1) while armed with the Stupid-Big Sharp & Pointy Sword of Hugeness (+4)? Is that too much to ask?

And what about the high-heels? I don’t see cops on the street in high-heel boots chasing down thugs and whatnot… I don’t see our fighting women of the United States Armed Forces kicking in the door on Uday and Qusay with a leather stiletto… You know why?

…BECAUSE THE ONLY THINGS A WOMAN IN HIGH-HEELS CAN KILL ARE THE PRIDE AND SELF-CONFIDENCE OF THE HUMAN MALE!!!

Nothing else! All you conjugation-obsessed fantasy artists need to start putting some real goddamned combat boots on the women RIGHT NOW, or you may as well give up your last shred of integrity and draw the Anime Tentacles of Uteral Rapetastic Doom on all your future shit, you hacks. Every hornball with a brush puts high-heels on everything with tits, and I’m sick and tired of watching the Beast-Riding Fetish-Warriors of Cleavage Valley stampede through a random forest or graveyard every time someone taps a land for mana. It’s annoying as hell and I hope most of you worthless no-imagination bastards wind up peddling your soft-core porn on the streets.

*twitch*

Say there, Reader… Did you happen to see the new Mirrodin concept art yet? No? How’s about you let your humble Reverend sum it up for you real quick-like:

Magic: Beast Wars is done, time for Magic: Armada!

Every time I attack with a new Mirrodin Vampire, I’m going to look my opponent right in the eye and say “Fatality; Baraka Wins.” Every time I see one of the new elves, I’m going to make Species references (she’s a real KILLER in the sack! Hur hur hur!). Then I’m gonna grin and giggle like an interred psychopath.

At first glance, some of you might like the new concept. If you like this concept, there is a very high chance that you are either an idiot, a pervert, or a mindless sheep, and here’s exactly why:

1. You spend way too much time looking at Geiger’s penis-aliens. You obviously cannot get enough anatomical imagery in your normal life, and now that something reminds you of your favorite… “art,” you are going to ejaculate praise about it. Pervert. (Please don’t try to defend Giger or tell me how much you like his work. The man draws gothic anime tentacle-rape demons. It’s all cock and teeth, maybe a boob here and there. Keep your phallic fetishes to your self.)

2. You loved Legions. You view Magic with the same attitude you view your potential life-mates: If it’s big and stupid, you want to swing with it. You rarely look at a card if you don’t see a number bigger than 5 in the corner. When you look at the new artwork, you think solely about cybernetic augmentation of your vampires, and how much fatter they are going to get with all the shiny new mechanics.

3. Baa. Baa bleat baa. Ba BAA baa bleat bleat BAAA!!! If you are willing to pay full price for virtual cardboard, hen ‘baa’ unto thee. You are one of those people who are trying to look on the bright side of things so much that you drive others to the point of insulin-shock. Your intentions are not meant to be annoying, but neither is Barney the Dinosaur. You lack either the clarity of vision or the spine to say that you still buy things from people who may just be screwing up and selling you inferior product. It’s ok, other people play the game and get disappointed too. It's not like you're just selling yourself out to blind product loyalty or anything, right? (If your sarcasm-radar didn't go off on that sentence, how the hell did you wind up reading THIS article?)

If none of that applies to you, then I applaud your reasoning skills, and I hope you share your more intelligent opinions and thoughts on the subject. As for the rest of you, i want to point out something that you might be forgetting...

Remember when the story leaked that the art director wanted to give that hot artist the boot because she wouldn’t draw huge titties on everything? That was an example of a bad change. That kind of shit is probably still happening. I'm not even a Guay fan, but I wonder just how many of her pieces will be in the new set...

Look at it like this; Magic started the serious CCG genre. Magic has outlived every single opponent (even the ones that WotC created). Magic has not needed so many changes so drastic as the most recent ones to stay fun and fresh. The new card face, coupled with a new leaning towards a blatant demonic union of an entire plane of Urza-wannabe’s and a Geigeresqe dick-tendril orgy is almost like releasing a whole new game with a M:TG-licensed rules system. Never before has so much happened so fast, and with little to no input from the people who spend their money on the game to make it last for as long as it has.

Could the sum of all these changes be fun? Sure. Could it be a step up from Timmy-block constructed? Of course. Could it be good in the long run? Certainly! Could any of it possibly be a REALLY big mistake? You bet your ass. Make sure you take a good, objective look at your chosen hobby and what the company who runs it is doing to it, because WotC is the only company who makes Magic what it is, and if they screw it up, there's no one to redeem it.

Oh, look at this; Jeff Donais is making Yu-Gi-Oh! cards now! Can I get a 'what the hell?' from the congregation, please?

Before finishing up, I would normally try and post some example of good sportsmanship here, but I want to save that for another article. This time, I want to publicly recognize StarCity for stepping up to the plate and helping out some gamers in need. Charity at its' best, boys. I hope that some of the rest of you fine Americans can help the good Sgt. and our US troops out.

Untill next time, may Mark Rosewater not hate your guts.

Nathan "Reverend Bob the Junkie" Woodall

Send your good sportsmanship examples to either myself at bobthejunky@hotmail.com or Gary Wise at whatever email address he publicly displays now.

Discuss this article in the Magic: the Gathering Forums!

An editorial by Nathan "Reverend Bob the Junkie" Woodall.

(Fair warning: If you are at work and click a link that might get you in trouble, it’s your own fault. Look before you leap by hovering over the link with your mouse and looking at the bottom-left corner of your browser to see where you’re about to go.)

Yeah, yeah, I know you all missed me the past month or two, but you can hold back the tears ‘cuz I ain’t huggin’ ya, and I ain’t kissin’ ya, and I STILL ain’t gonna respect you in the morning. We got a lot of ground to cover, so let’s get to work…

I want to begin by providing you with a simple guide to illustrating the fantasy card game of your choice: Take random hottie, add impossibly huge weaponry that weighs more than her, stick her in band-aids and high-heels, make her hooters look like two Volkswagen beetles in a hammock, draw some wind effects, and BAM! You got your very own Angel of Masturbation.

People, is there no originality anymore? Does every warrior of either sex have to totally disregard physics and/or functionality? Is it too much to expect to get some heroines drawn with arms that could actually wield the Sword of Facemashery (+4)? Is it impossible for us to get some females that aren’t considered ready to do battle when clad only in the Skimpy Loincloth of Debauchery (+1) while armed with the Stupid-Big Sharp & Pointy Sword of Hugeness (+4)? Is that too much to ask?

And what about the high-heels? I don’t see cops on the street in high-heel boots chasing down thugs and whatnot… I don’t see our fighting women of the United States Armed Forces kicking in the door on Uday and Qusay with a leather stiletto… You know why?

…BECAUSE THE ONLY THINGS A WOMAN IN HIGH-HEELS CAN KILL ARE THE PRIDE AND SELF-CONFIDENCE OF THE HUMAN MALE!!!

Nothing else! All you conjugation-obsessed fantasy artists need to start putting some real goddamned combat boots on the women RIGHT NOW, or you may as well give up your last shred of integrity and draw the Anime Tentacles of Uteral Rapetastic Doom on all your future shit, you hacks. Every hornball with a brush puts high-heels on everything with tits, and I’m sick and tired of watching the Beast-Riding Fetish-Warriors of Cleavage Valley stampede through a random forest or graveyard every time someone taps a land for mana. It’s annoying as hell and I hope most of you worthless no-imagination bastards wind up peddling your soft-core porn on the streets.

*twitch*

Say there, Reader… Did you happen to see the new Mirrodin concept art yet? No? How’s about you let your humble Reverend sum it up for you real quick-like:

Magic: Beast Wars is done, time for Magic: Armada!

Every time I attack with a new Mirrodin Vampire, I’m going to look my opponent right in the eye and say “Fatality; Baraka Wins.” Every time I see one of the new elves, I’m going to make Species references (she’s a real KILLER in the sack! Hur hur hur!). Then I’m gonna grin and giggle like an interred psychopath.

At first glance, some of you might like the new concept. If you like this concept, there is a very high chance that you are either an idiot, a pervert, or a mindless sheep, and here’s exactly why:

1. You spend way too much time looking at Geiger’s penis-aliens. You obviously cannot get enough anatomical imagery in your normal life, and now that something reminds you of your favorite… “art,” you are going to ejaculate praise about it. Pervert. (Please don’t try to defend Giger or tell me how much you like his work. The man draws gothic anime tentacle-rape demons. It’s all cock and teeth, maybe a boob here and there. Keep your phallic fetishes to your self.)

2. You loved Legions. You view Magic with the same attitude you view your potential life-mates: If it’s big and stupid, you want to swing with it. You rarely look at a card if you don’t see a number bigger than 5 in the corner. When you look at the new artwork, you think solely about cybernetic augmentation of your vampires, and how much fatter they are going to get with all the shiny new mechanics.

3. Baa. Baa bleat baa. Ba BAA baa bleat bleat BAAA!!! If you are willing to pay full price for virtual cardboard, hen ‘baa’ unto thee. You are one of those people who are trying to look on the bright side of things so much that you drive others to the point of insulin-shock. Your intentions are not meant to be annoying, but neither is Barney the Dinosaur. You lack either the clarity of vision or the spine to say that you still buy things from people who may just be screwing up and selling you inferior product. It’s ok, other people play the game and get disappointed too. It's not like you're just selling yourself out to blind product loyalty or anything, right? (If your sarcasm-radar didn't go off on that sentence, how the hell did you wind up reading THIS article?)

If none of that applies to you, then I applaud your reasoning skills, and I hope you share your more intelligent opinions and thoughts on the subject. As for the rest of you, i want to point out something that you might be forgetting...

Remember when the story leaked that the art director wanted to give that hot artist the boot because she wouldn’t draw huge titties on everything? That was an example of a bad change. That kind of shit is probably still happening. I'm not even a Guay fan, but I wonder just how many of her pieces will be in the new set...

Look at it like this; Magic started the serious CCG genre. Magic has outlived every single opponent (even the ones that WotC created). Magic has not needed so many changes so drastic as the most recent ones to stay fun and fresh. The new card face, coupled with a new leaning towards a blatant demonic union of an entire plane of Urza-wannabe’s and a Geigeresqe dick-tendril orgy is almost like releasing a whole new game with a M:TG-licensed rules system. Never before has so much happened so fast, and with little to no input from the people who spend their money on the game to make it last for as long as it has.

Could the sum of all these changes be fun? Sure. Could it be a step up from Timmy-block constructed? Of course. Could it be good in the long run? Certainly! Could any of it possibly be a REALLY big mistake? You bet your ass. Make sure you take a good, objective look at your chosen hobby and what the company who runs it is doing to it, because WotC is the only company who makes Magic what it is, and if they screw it up, there's no one to redeem it.

Oh, look at this; Jeff Donais is making Yu-Gi-Oh! cards now! Can I get a 'what the hell?' from the congregation, please?

Before finishing up, I would normally try and post some example of good sportsmanship here, but I want to save that for another article. This time, I want to publicly recognize StarCity for stepping up to the plate and helping out some gamers in need. Charity at its' best, boys. I hope that some of the rest of you fine Americans can help the good Sgt. and our US troops out.

Untill next time, may Mark Rosewater not hate your guts.

Nathan "Reverend Bob the Junkie" Woodall

Send your good sportsmanship examples to either myself at bobthejunky@hotmail.com or Gary Wise at whatever email address he publicly displays now.

Discuss this article in the Magic: the Gathering Forums!