Sorry this week’s horoscopes are running a little bit behind schedule, although we all know that you would have spent your Wednesday sitting around getting fatter and playing Modo either way. Here’s what to expect this week, hope it works out for the best for all of you.

Aries: (March 21—April 19)
The stars would like to apologize for telling you last week that the most important thing in limited is understanding the format. In your case, what they should have said was, the most important thing in limited is not getting yourself hit by a goddamn bus on the way to the draft, followed closely by understanding the format.

Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
Your self esteem will plummet to new lows when it is announced that as of January 1st you will be restricted in Type 1, banned in Extended.

Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
The packs will again refuse to open your way this week, which is probably because your way involves ritually sacrificing a small goat and attempting to remove the wrappers telekinetically.

Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
While inserting that Will You Marry Me card was a clever and romantic touch, in retrospect there probably would have been easier ways to try to mise a 2nd pick Loxodon Warhammer.

Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
The stars indicate a high probability of exciting new changes in your life this week – there may very well be a new version of the Bink Video Player.

Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
You will learn many things about yourself when the dark mysterious stranger you are destined to meet this week turns out to be Edward Fear.

Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
You are in for another narrow miss this week when the hottest girl you have ever met offers to have sex with anyone who has not eaten an entire Tombstone sausage pizza within the last twenty minutes.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
Be advised, your parents will not be too pleased to learn that you have dropped out of school to become a professional Magic: the Gathering player. Best hold off on telling them until you have actually secured an invitation.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
Air and water magiks are strong in Sagittarius this week. It may be a good time to take a shower.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
Scattered glimpses of your future this week have revealed a 20-sided die, a Spikeshot Goblin, and a remarkably consistent 1:1 ratio of X and Y chromosomes.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
When the judges come to give you a deck check, use sleight of hand to switch your deck with your opponent’s. The resulting confusion should buy you enough time to escape from the tournament site undetected.

Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
While Pisces has so far been unable to secure a reliable spoiler for Darksteel, the spoiler for your life indicates quite clearly that you will die alone.

Discuss this article in the Magic: the Gathering Forums!

Related Stories

• Magic: the Gathering Horoscopes (Oct 22 - Oct 28)
• Magic: the Gathering Horoscopes (Oct 29 - Nov 4)
• Magic: the Gathering Horoscopes (Nov 5 - Nov 11)

Sorry this week’s horoscopes are running a little bit behind schedule, although we all know that you would have spent your Wednesday sitting around getting fatter and playing Modo either way. Here’s what to expect this week, hope it works out for the best for all of you.

Aries: (March 21—April 19)
The stars would like to apologize for telling you last week that the most important thing in limited is understanding the format. In your case, what they should have said was, the most important thing in limited is not getting yourself hit by a goddamn bus on the way to the draft, followed closely by understanding the format.

Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
Your self esteem will plummet to new lows when it is announced that as of January 1st you will be restricted in Type 1, banned in Extended.

Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
The packs will again refuse to open your way this week, which is probably because your way involves ritually sacrificing a small goat and attempting to remove the wrappers telekinetically.

Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
While inserting that Will You Marry Me card was a clever and romantic touch, in retrospect there probably would have been easier ways to try to mise a 2nd pick Loxodon Warhammer.

Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
The stars indicate a high probability of exciting new changes in your life this week – there may very well be a new version of the Bink Video Player.

Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
You will learn many things about yourself when the dark mysterious stranger you are destined to meet this week turns out to be Edward Fear.

Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
You are in for another narrow miss this week when the hottest girl you have ever met offers to have sex with anyone who has not eaten an entire Tombstone sausage pizza within the last twenty minutes.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
Be advised, your parents will not be too pleased to learn that you have dropped out of school to become a professional Magic: the Gathering player. Best hold off on telling them until you have actually secured an invitation.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
Air and water magiks are strong in Sagittarius this week. It may be a good time to take a shower.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
Scattered glimpses of your future this week have revealed a 20-sided die, a Spikeshot Goblin, and a remarkably consistent 1:1 ratio of X and Y chromosomes.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
When the judges come to give you a deck check, use sleight of hand to switch your deck with your opponent’s. The resulting confusion should buy you enough time to escape from the tournament site undetected.

Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
While Pisces has so far been unable to secure a reliable spoiler for Darksteel, the spoiler for your life indicates quite clearly that you will die alone.

Discuss this article in the Magic: the Gathering Forums!

Related Stories

• Magic: the Gathering Horoscopes (Oct 22 - Oct 28)
• Magic: the Gathering Horoscopes (Oct 29 - Nov 4)
• Magic: the Gathering Horoscopes (Nov 5 - Nov 11)