A day in the life of a Magic Player: Eivind Nitter
I was recently invited to spend a day in Europe with Norway’s own Eivind Nitter. This Magic: the Gathering playing fashionista allowed me to tag onto his busy schedule and take a peek into his hectic life. I was hoping to use this chance to dispel the rumors that Eivind is gay, a porn star and a blatant clothes horse.
I met Nitter for brunch at a cute little outdoor café that he suggested; everything was going fine until I took a look at the menu. The prices were astronomical, far beyond the budget Bregoli had allowed me. I asked my fellow magic player how he could pay for such an extravagant meal and he waved my concerns away, ordering up a decadent meal, complete with a morning Mimosa. After the sumptuous break-fast of danishs, tarts, juices, fresh fruit from all over the world and even fresh baked bread with shell fish such as lobster and oyster, Nitter took care of the bill, which after a quick final peek totaled a stunning $305, plus tip. I was left to wonder how he could afford that, even on his great magic winnings. But I didn’t wonder long.
Next on the agenda was Nitter’s porno shoot. While not so well known to the Magic community, Nitter is in fact an 80’s styled porno star. It’s apparently a new artistic form of porn that is taking Europe by storm. The basic premise is to try and mimic the new porno’s as closely as possible in style to those of the 70’s and 80’s. The set was one to behold, all paisley and polyester. Suddenly, the whole look comes together, the comb over, the flashy clothing; the bright blue Reebok high-tops all make sense. He doesn’t just have sex in the 80’s; he lives in the 80’s. I felt like I had walked onto the set of Boogie Nights. After the filming the crew and I watched the play back. I couldn’t quite make out the plot because the script, what little speaking there seemed to be in between moan-age, was entirely in Norwegian. After the shooting and play back I caught Nitter doing a bump of Speed. So that’s how he keeps his stamina and figure.
Nitter figured it was about time he went shopping now with the cash he had just earned up front, somewhere in the thousands. I wasn’t privy to the exact amount but I did see a hefty wad a bills being transacted. Whether it was for the Speed or the porn or both I would never quite know, but then again, it didn’t exactly matter either. First we went to a few little boutiques where Nitter grabbed clothing off the racks at a furious pace and disappeared into the changing room before I could say another word, to my surprise he came out looking like Frank N Furter from the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Apparently it was –that- kind of boutique we were in. Nitter noticed my gaping mouth and hastily changed back into his previous dress, leopard print jeans and a Hooter’s T-shirt. He dragged me out of that store and down a few blocks in to a Neiman Marcus. His face lit up with childish joy with the first step in. Apparently he spotted a scarf that he just had to have. Keeping with his bucket hat style from previous years and previous PT’s he tried on yet another one. I was rendered, rather, speechless. After trying on a few more flamboyant outer wear items, Nitter stumbled upon the outfit of the day, a matching set of Tibetan tiger jeans and shirt. While those of us who do not have eurotrash flowing through our veins might find this hideous, it was a must have for Eivind. And then it came, the shirt that would make Kibler drool, and me cringe, some tiger print tee that he felt perfectly matched his leopard print jeans. Kids, don’t be fooled, tiger stripes and leopard spots do not match. On his way to the dressing rooms Nitter grabbed this little number, mumbling something about how he would wear it to the next big tournament. I was absolutely horrified. While he was trying everything on I wanted over to the sale area to get an estimate of the prices. Everything in the sales area alone was over $90. How astonishing. Nitter seemed pleased with the results of his escapades into the dressing room because he purchased all $1,400 or so worth of sewn fabric garments. I got a few strange looks at the purchasing counter when I just stood there with a wide eyed stare and empty hands.
From there Nitter took another bump of Speed and we headed off to dinner. He settled on a nice Turkish restaurant, were he ordered for both of us Doner Kebaps. After our third bowl of curried rice and elephant testicles sautéed with curry paste Nitter paid the bill and he hustled me towards a small bar a few streets off of the main road.
At the bar Nitter was greeted by Lovre and Nico. I received quite a few odd looks at the bar, and the other two Norwegians only gave me a passing greeting. Nitter ordered up drinks for everyone and I headed towards the ladies room. Or lack thereof. In confusion I looked around the bar and it sunk in. I was one of maybe one females there, at least real females. I don’t believe transvestites and drag queens count as females. Even I could put on a strap on and call myself a man. I snuck into the men’s bathroom and upon my return I sound Lovre and Nitter in a lip lock and Nico getting himself rather smashed. What an uncomfortable situation to be in. I felt bad for Nico being the 3rd wheel so I tried to strike up a conversation but was shot down by blathering Norwegian gibberish. After a few moments of making out Nitter and Lovre retreated to a private booth and were followed by a stumbling loudmouthed Nico. I took this as my cue to try and find my way back to my hotel.
Well, it was an eventful day, unfortunately a lot of the rumors about Eivind Nitter were not dispelled, and in fact they were held up. Apparently some rumors are based on fact.
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