Cottonelle Threatens to Sue Wizards of the Coast
In a press release earlier this week, the president of Cottonelle, Tom Falk, publicly announced their plans to take legal action against national card-whoring company, Wizards of the Coast. When asked why such severe action was being taken, Falk replied, "Those damn money grubbing bastards at Wizards, they not only have to rule the card production business, but also the toilet paper one."
It turns out that Magic players around the world have been wiping their asses with Chimney Imps for about 2 months now. Those of you who thought this card was shit were wrong; on the contrary, it's actually better for cleaning it up. Due to the fact that Chimney Imp is such a worthless card, it's cheaper to use than toilet paper. The cardboard texture is also three times more absorbent. Statistics show that one square of Cottonelle costs approximately 0.005 cents to make, while the numbers for the price on Chimney Imps couldn't even be read on the charts.
Falk comments, "it's clear that Wizards has been plotting this massive take-over for a while. However, this hasn't been the first time they have attempted it. In early 1997, when a new expansion came out called Stronghold, we feared the worst. There was this gamer magazine, Inquest, which rated the Dream Halls card to be the worst one in the set." Falk chuckled to himself. "But once we found out that the writers were just the reject monkeys for the position of making pre-con decks, we all sighed a big sigh or relief. And some of us were gassy, but that may have just been the Taco Bell from earlier."
Wizards held their own press conference today, in which senior designer Mark Rosewater was present to discuss the issue at hand. He denied all allegations of the attempted toilet paper takeover, of course, and due to his general ability to spew bullshit out of his mouth, he almost convinced a few people. He went on to explain, "that Chimney Imp wasn't a bad card at all. In fact we were going to originally have it cost 2BBB, but upped the power level by making it more splashable." At this point the conference turned ugly and there were shouts of 'splash this, you bastard!' as players hurled rolls of Chimney Imp cards to the front of the room. Rosewater was reported leaving the scene as he scooped up all the cards giving off girly giggles.
Cottonelle associates gave a final statement after the Wizards press conference. "If Wizards wants to play ball, we're game. We're down to compete, and we're definitely going to be scoring some touchdowns with our new game plan of toilet paper solicitation. Wizards better have a good defense or else we're going to rush them with a hail mary play as our quarterback fakes to the left but then turns around and-" At this point, the Cottonelle associates had to be escorted outside while the president, Mr. Falk, gave a real statement.
"Obviously the players are as pissed off about this shit as we are. We don't want our business to go down the crapper, it would be such a waste. We were sitting high on top of the throne when it came to toilet paper production and now we're being wiped out. Hey maybe it's not that bad after all, maybe someone will make Chimney Imp into a good card just like they did with Dream Halls. Maybe, yeah, just maybe..." Falk started to cry like a baby at this point, and was then offered some Chimney Imps to wipe his tears away.
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