Knock, knock! Who's there? Home! Home who?

Exactly.

Homelands, the joke of all tournament legal Magic expansions, was on the butt end of the best slapstick thrown at it yet when Wizards of the Coast announced Coldsnap, a new "lost" set, would take the place of Homelands in Ice Age Block. Don't forget to tip your servers.

"Homelands never fit in with the world defined by Ice Age and Alliances," an unnamed WOTC source explained. "Plus, it's full of really bad cards. No one even knows the names of these cards they're so bad. Go on, name one. I dare you." Then, he/she/it hung up the phone.

"I think the name was a jinx," a narwhal hypothesized. He took another hit from his hookah before continuing. "I could care less. So I'm not in a block, so what? No one is going to draft me either way. It doesn't affect my day-to-day life, you know? As long as my water don't evaporate, I'm good. Besides, gamers are worse than Greenpeace hippies. I'm glad to be unwanted. Not everyone in the set is so relaxed about this. They're all running around like some horrible prophecy has come to pass. It's stupid. This is basically an administrative shuffle on our end. Coldsnap gets attention, so what? If it wasn't Coldsnap, it would be some other summer set. An un-set, or a core/base/whatever-it's-called-this-year set with white borders. This isn't exactly uncharted territory, dig? You want some of this?" The narwhal belched. "Things could really be worse. We aren't up against renewal like those poor bastards in Logan's Run. Box was a badass, wasn't he? You sure you don't want some of this?"

Protests have been going on in An-Havva since the announcement came out of Renton. On every street corner of every township there is a student or a clockwork factory worker inciting the masses.

"We will not forget our roots! You can take the card out of the block, but you can't take the block out of the card! We will be returned to the Ice Age!"

Passionate yet pathetic, such scenes are part of the landscape here. John Avon, where art thou?

Not all of the Homelands homeless are content to listen to words without taking action. Rashka the Slayer and a group of Death Speakers have filed suit in a Washington State court. Their goal is to seek reinstatement into the Ice Age Block. They are also seeking unspecified damages.

"Their lawyers are bigger than our lawyers. Most of them start at 7/7, and we average 2/2. But we must not shrink from this challenge. Our only hope to win this thing is to block them and hope we get lucky."

Not everyone has placed their faith in a legal process. Two Coldsnap Pre-release events in the Northeastern United States were marred by violent protests. Several members of the Sengir family and a few bats were taken into custody by police. At least one minotaur is also believed to be involved, but that remains unconfirmed at press time.

Authorities in some European countries are concerned about similar violence breaking out at the upcoming Coldsnap events.

"There has been a lot of 'chatter' in the gargoyle community," said one undercover officer. "We are taking this quite seriously. Everything is being done to provide a safe event for the Magic playing public. However, this isn't chess. If we have to sacrifice one fat kid to save the others, then he will not be missed."

Attendees of the release events in France will be under the special protection of Zinedine Zidane, who has sworn to headbutt any creature from a non-Coldsnap expansion he sees. He will also lower his imaginary horns and charge any Italian soccer player who dares to present himself.

"This includes the Italian Women's National Team. Whores!" Zidane spat as he polished his Golden Ball.

Tournament organizers in the US are downplaying the risk of organized gargoyle interference on a large scale.

"No abbeys. Gee gee," said Atlanta Tournament Organizer Anthony Edwards.

WOTC is remarkably unconcerned with any threats to the upcoming release. An anonymous WOTC insider has said that Wizards will respond to any disruption with swift and terrible retribution.

"Bad press isn't an issue here. Unless Hezbollah stops pissing Israel off in then next week, we can pretty much do whatever we want to whomever without hitting the news." He/she/it elaborated for us. "We had one large shipment of Coldsnap destroyed. An ambush party was waiting in the mountains. Three hours after the ambush we had one suspect in custody. A little torture and then we had names. The faeries were responsible."

Unlike many of the clans, races, and other affiliations in Homelands, faeries have a highly organized sub-culture. This includes several grassroots organizations. Faeries command a lot of power in popular entertainment. They also boast a powerful political lobby. While their influence waxes and wanes depending on shifting social mores, they have been gaining considerable momentum since the early nineties following a lot of free publicity in the late eighties.

WOTC and the faeries have negotiated a truce. All Coldsnap product will ship without interference from the wee folk, and all faerie nobles may attend Wizard's School on partial scholarship.

Amidst the violence and lawsuits several religious leaders have come forward in an effort to unify the Homelands community. Abbey Matrons, Anaba Shaman, Willow Priestesses and Hazduhr, the Abbot himself, are doing their best to shepherd the many flocks. Their message is clear: Coldsnap is a reality. The Ice Age is in the past. A new future lies ahead.

"You can't unring the Apocolypse Chime. We have all heard the funeral march. We are all homeless. We can either lay down under the winter sky and let irony be our headstone, or we can come together and struggle for our piece of the pie." The trio then burst into an impromptu rendition of The Jeffersons theme song until beaten with a boom microphone.

"We must stand together. Yes, we have our differences. Some of us have been reprinted, some have not. But all of us, whether one of five colors or an artifact, even lands, we all have one thing in common: Our expansion symbol. We need our own block. A better block. If WOTC can 'find' one lost expansion, then it can 'find' two more. One big, one small. Like Laurel and Hardy."

Head Magic Designer Mark Rosewater denied any plans for a "Bad Card Block" are in the works.

Ideas abound for such a block within the Homelands community. Chandler suggested a sit-com theme for the entire block.

"I want some friends. A Monica card would be great. Or a Joey. Could I BE any lonelier?" he cried.

Joven would just like someplace to keep his ferrets and/or tools. Feast of the Unicorn would like to see creature dash unicorn cards in the hypothetical sets.

"I just want to be eaten. I'm going to waste at the moment," the enchantment lamented.

In all of this strife one thing remains clear: The Homelands expansion is a very bad set. Finding a permanent home for these poor pieces of cardboard, outside of a garbage bin, will not be easy. Corporate apathy, player hatred, and internal strife all threaten the dream. Although no one voice may speak for all of them, the reef pirates may have summed up the situation best.

"Arrgh."

Arrgh indeed.

Discuss this article in the Magic: the Gathering Forums!

Related Stories

• Behind the Mirrored Din
• World Rails Against New Card Design
• The Eternal Debate: Homelands vs. Fallen Empires
• The Eternal Debate: Homelands vs. Fallen Empires

Knock, knock! Who's there? Home! Home who?

Exactly.

Homelands, the joke of all tournament legal Magic expansions, was on the butt end of the best slapstick thrown at it yet when Wizards of the Coast announced Coldsnap, a new "lost" set, would take the place of Homelands in Ice Age Block. Don't forget to tip your servers.

"Homelands never fit in with the world defined by Ice Age and Alliances," an unnamed WOTC source explained. "Plus, it's full of really bad cards. No one even knows the names of these cards they're so bad. Go on, name one. I dare you." Then, he/she/it hung up the phone.

"I think the name was a jinx," a narwhal hypothesized. He took another hit from his hookah before continuing. "I could care less. So I'm not in a block, so what? No one is going to draft me either way. It doesn't affect my day-to-day life, you know? As long as my water don't evaporate, I'm good. Besides, gamers are worse than Greenpeace hippies. I'm glad to be unwanted. Not everyone in the set is so relaxed about this. They're all running around like some horrible prophecy has come to pass. It's stupid. This is basically an administrative shuffle on our end. Coldsnap gets attention, so what? If it wasn't Coldsnap, it would be some other summer set. An un-set, or a core/base/whatever-it's-called-this-year set with white borders. This isn't exactly uncharted territory, dig? You want some of this?" The narwhal belched. "Things could really be worse. We aren't up against renewal like those poor bastards in Logan's Run. Box was a badass, wasn't he? You sure you don't want some of this?"

Protests have been going on in An-Havva since the announcement came out of Renton. On every street corner of every township there is a student or a clockwork factory worker inciting the masses.

"We will not forget our roots! You can take the card out of the block, but you can't take the block out of the card! We will be returned to the Ice Age!"

Passionate yet pathetic, such scenes are part of the landscape here. John Avon, where art thou?

Not all of the Homelands homeless are content to listen to words without taking action. Rashka the Slayer and a group of Death Speakers have filed suit in a Washington State court. Their goal is to seek reinstatement into the Ice Age Block. They are also seeking unspecified damages.

"Their lawyers are bigger than our lawyers. Most of them start at 7/7, and we average 2/2. But we must not shrink from this challenge. Our only hope to win this thing is to block them and hope we get lucky."

Not everyone has placed their faith in a legal process. Two Coldsnap Pre-release events in the Northeastern United States were marred by violent protests. Several members of the Sengir family and a few bats were taken into custody by police. At least one minotaur is also believed to be involved, but that remains unconfirmed at press time.

Authorities in some European countries are concerned about similar violence breaking out at the upcoming Coldsnap events.

"There has been a lot of 'chatter' in the gargoyle community," said one undercover officer. "We are taking this quite seriously. Everything is being done to provide a safe event for the Magic playing public. However, this isn't chess. If we have to sacrifice one fat kid to save the others, then he will not be missed."

Attendees of the release events in France will be under the special protection of Zinedine Zidane, who has sworn to headbutt any creature from a non-Coldsnap expansion he sees. He will also lower his imaginary horns and charge any Italian soccer player who dares to present himself.

"This includes the Italian Women's National Team. Whores!" Zidane spat as he polished his Golden Ball.

Tournament organizers in the US are downplaying the risk of organized gargoyle interference on a large scale.

"No abbeys. Gee gee," said Atlanta Tournament Organizer Anthony Edwards.

WOTC is remarkably unconcerned with any threats to the upcoming release. An anonymous WOTC insider has said that Wizards will respond to any disruption with swift and terrible retribution.

"Bad press isn't an issue here. Unless Hezbollah stops pissing Israel off in then next week, we can pretty much do whatever we want to whomever without hitting the news." He/she/it elaborated for us. "We had one large shipment of Coldsnap destroyed. An ambush party was waiting in the mountains. Three hours after the ambush we had one suspect in custody. A little torture and then we had names. The faeries were responsible."

Unlike many of the clans, races, and other affiliations in Homelands, faeries have a highly organized sub-culture. This includes several grassroots organizations. Faeries command a lot of power in popular entertainment. They also boast a powerful political lobby. While their influence waxes and wanes depending on shifting social mores, they have been gaining considerable momentum since the early nineties following a lot of free publicity in the late eighties.

WOTC and the faeries have negotiated a truce. All Coldsnap product will ship without interference from the wee folk, and all faerie nobles may attend Wizard's School on partial scholarship.

Amidst the violence and lawsuits several religious leaders have come forward in an effort to unify the Homelands community. Abbey Matrons, Anaba Shaman, Willow Priestesses and Hazduhr, the Abbot himself, are doing their best to shepherd the many flocks. Their message is clear: Coldsnap is a reality. The Ice Age is in the past. A new future lies ahead.

"You can't unring the Apocolypse Chime. We have all heard the funeral march. We are all homeless. We can either lay down under the winter sky and let irony be our headstone, or we can come together and struggle for our piece of the pie." The trio then burst into an impromptu rendition of The Jeffersons theme song until beaten with a boom microphone.

"We must stand together. Yes, we have our differences. Some of us have been reprinted, some have not. But all of us, whether one of five colors or an artifact, even lands, we all have one thing in common: Our expansion symbol. We need our own block. A better block. If WOTC can 'find' one lost expansion, then it can 'find' two more. One big, one small. Like Laurel and Hardy."

Head Magic Designer Mark Rosewater denied any plans for a "Bad Card Block" are in the works.

Ideas abound for such a block within the Homelands community. Chandler suggested a sit-com theme for the entire block.

"I want some friends. A Monica card would be great. Or a Joey. Could I BE any lonelier?" he cried.

Joven would just like someplace to keep his ferrets and/or tools. Feast of the Unicorn would like to see creature dash unicorn cards in the hypothetical sets.

"I just want to be eaten. I'm going to waste at the moment," the enchantment lamented.

In all of this strife one thing remains clear: The Homelands expansion is a very bad set. Finding a permanent home for these poor pieces of cardboard, outside of a garbage bin, will not be easy. Corporate apathy, player hatred, and internal strife all threaten the dream. Although no one voice may speak for all of them, the reef pirates may have summed up the situation best.

"Arrgh."

Arrgh indeed.

Discuss this article in the Magic: the Gathering Forums!

Related Stories

• Behind the Mirrored Din
• World Rails Against New Card Design
• The Eternal Debate: Homelands vs. Fallen Empires
• The Eternal Debate: Homelands vs. Fallen Empires