Madison, WI – Charges were officially filed Tuesday against avid Magic player, Kurt “Fatman” Hahn by three area teenagers. Kurt is a recognizable member of the Magic community, even from a distance. He is known as the father of the Five Color format, and being a generally big, loud dude. The charges stem from incidents occurring in the past month at local card shops.

Jamie Shively, age 13, claims Kurt caused him great mental and visual distress. Jamie is quoted as saying “It’s so horrible! He’ll just be sitting across the table, and out of nowhere he gets three for one card advantage. Next thing I know he starts grinding on the table and grunting. I also think he lingers too much when looking at my Cromat.”

Kenny Huffer, age 16, claims that Kurt stole his cards. Kenny said “Well I built this Five Color deck, and was like ‘hey, lets play, Fatman.’ So like every game he starts taking my cards, like right in front of me! He claims it’s ‘Aunty’ or something. I can’t believe he’d do that, I mean, my dad spent a lot of money to get me those cards.

Ben Childers, age 12, claims that Kurt Hahn threatened to eat him. Ben told this reporter, “Well after he heard Nick Little made a name for himself throwing kids into dumpsters, he said he’d eat the next kid who messed up graveyard order. All I did was sort mine into flashback and non-flashback spells and here he comes across the table. I ran and ran and ran. I can’t sleep or the Fatman will get me.”

Local player Brian Kowal, when questioned in regards to this incident, said, “Kids are a pile. I’d give Kurt a draft set for every kid he could eat at Friday night magic.”

When reached for comment, Kurt “Fatman” Hahn cradled several packs of Odyssey in his hands and said, “Those kids are the most savage liars on the face of the Earth.”


- Steve Gossett

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Madison, WI – Charges were officially filed Tuesday against avid Magic player, Kurt “Fatman” Hahn by three area teenagers. Kurt is a recognizable member of the Magic community, even from a distance. He is known as the father of the Five Color format, and being a generally big, loud dude. The charges stem from incidents occurring in the past month at local card shops.

Jamie Shively, age 13, claims Kurt caused him great mental and visual distress. Jamie is quoted as saying “It’s so horrible! He’ll just be sitting across the table, and out of nowhere he gets three for one card advantage. Next thing I know he starts grinding on the table and grunting. I also think he lingers too much when looking at my Cromat.”

Kenny Huffer, age 16, claims that Kurt stole his cards. Kenny said “Well I built this Five Color deck, and was like ‘hey, lets play, Fatman.’ So like every game he starts taking my cards, like right in front of me! He claims it’s ‘Aunty’ or something. I can’t believe he’d do that, I mean, my dad spent a lot of money to get me those cards.

Ben Childers, age 12, claims that Kurt Hahn threatened to eat him. Ben told this reporter, “Well after he heard Nick Little made a name for himself throwing kids into dumpsters, he said he’d eat the next kid who messed up graveyard order. All I did was sort mine into flashback and non-flashback spells and here he comes across the table. I ran and ran and ran. I can’t sleep or the Fatman will get me.”

Local player Brian Kowal, when questioned in regards to this incident, said, “Kids are a pile. I’d give Kurt a draft set for every kid he could eat at Friday night magic.”

When reached for comment, Kurt “Fatman” Hahn cradled several packs of Odyssey in his hands and said, “Those kids are the most savage liars on the face of the Earth.”


- Steve Gossett

Discuss this article in the Magic: the Gathering Forums!