Wizards of the Coast has just released a new website for it’s flagship CCG, Magic: the Gathering. Strangely enough, they have finally used the painfully obvious domain of http://www.magicthegathering.com as the site name, after over seven years of being on the market.

Unfortunately, while claiming to be devoted to gamers, closer inspection reveals an evil influence in the body of the articles. For example, Mark Rosewater himself, M:TG senior designer, and self-confessed, long-time disciple of the dark one, answered a question many players, scrub and pro alike, have been asking for years.

Q: "Why does R&D print ridiculously bad cards in sets, particularly as rares?" --Elliot Fertik, Philadelphia, PA

A: From Mark Rosewater, Magic senior designer: "This is a very complex question that I'm sure I'll discuss in greater detail in a future column. But the short answer is that weak cards are a fundamental part of the game.”

In his answer, Rosewater reveals the true intent of the ridiculously jank rares. Here is the direct translation from Dr. Enti Mologist, longtime M:TG player and Occult Expert:

“By ztating zat ze veak cardz are a vundemental part of ze game, Mr. Rosevater iz trying to perzvade us zat ve need to have zeez cardz, when in reality, zeez cardz are az vorthless az a 0-2 record.”

After careful study, this reporter was unable to decipher Dr. Mologist’s prognosis. I was lucky, though, to find a local miser who was able to read and translate the good doctor’s ridiculous accent, and it goes as follows:

Me: “Dude, can you tell me what this old guy means?”

Local Miser: “Yeah, sure... (looks over Dr. Mologist’s report) ...He said Rosewater’s full of crap.”

More stark examples of the dark one’s influence are seen throughout the site. The one that stands out over any other, however, is Rosewater’s own personal admission to having been in the employ of one of the most evil demons to ever casts it’s horrible shadow on our world. Here is his confession to us in his own words:

“Before working at Wizards I worked in Hollywood as a TV writer and, yes, the rumors are true: I used to be on the writing staff of “Roseanne." (The one where she meets Wayne Newton - I wrote that.)”

I took it upon myself to ask around the local gaming community and find out what others thought about the new site. My first contact, a local player named Ivan Scrubbinout, had only this to say after reading an example from the site (that I had printed and brought with me); “Must buy Magic.... Must buy Magic.... 7th edition wasn’t that bad.... Odyssey was a good set.... Must buy Magic....”

After handing the poor lad a napkin to wipe away his drool, I found a local semi-pro player and showed him the samples. He responded by slapping me and saying, “What kind of moron gets their strategy from the same people who are trying to sell you the card-board crack in the first place? Are you stuck in Fallen Empires something? Begone from my presence, scrub!”

After recovering from the savage beating inflicted upon me, I decided to try once more with another random from the local scene. After showing him the examples, he had this to comment, “Who the hell is Ben Bleiweiss?”

Discuss this article in the Magic: the Gathering Forums!

Wizards of the Coast has just released a new website for it’s flagship CCG, Magic: the Gathering. Strangely enough, they have finally used the painfully obvious domain of http://www.magicthegathering.com as the site name, after over seven years of being on the market.

Unfortunately, while claiming to be devoted to gamers, closer inspection reveals an evil influence in the body of the articles. For example, Mark Rosewater himself, M:TG senior designer, and self-confessed, long-time disciple of the dark one, answered a question many players, scrub and pro alike, have been asking for years.

Q: "Why does R&D print ridiculously bad cards in sets, particularly as rares?" --Elliot Fertik, Philadelphia, PA

A: From Mark Rosewater, Magic senior designer: "This is a very complex question that I'm sure I'll discuss in greater detail in a future column. But the short answer is that weak cards are a fundamental part of the game.”

In his answer, Rosewater reveals the true intent of the ridiculously jank rares. Here is the direct translation from Dr. Enti Mologist, longtime M:TG player and Occult Expert:

“By ztating zat ze veak cardz are a vundemental part of ze game, Mr. Rosevater iz trying to perzvade us zat ve need to have zeez cardz, when in reality, zeez cardz are az vorthless az a 0-2 record.”

After careful study, this reporter was unable to decipher Dr. Mologist’s prognosis. I was lucky, though, to find a local miser who was able to read and translate the good doctor’s ridiculous accent, and it goes as follows:

Me: “Dude, can you tell me what this old guy means?”

Local Miser: “Yeah, sure... (looks over Dr. Mologist’s report) ...He said Rosewater’s full of crap.”

More stark examples of the dark one’s influence are seen throughout the site. The one that stands out over any other, however, is Rosewater’s own personal admission to having been in the employ of one of the most evil demons to ever casts it’s horrible shadow on our world. Here is his confession to us in his own words:

“Before working at Wizards I worked in Hollywood as a TV writer and, yes, the rumors are true: I used to be on the writing staff of “Roseanne." (The one where she meets Wayne Newton - I wrote that.)”

I took it upon myself to ask around the local gaming community and find out what others thought about the new site. My first contact, a local player named Ivan Scrubbinout, had only this to say after reading an example from the site (that I had printed and brought with me); “Must buy Magic.... Must buy Magic.... 7th edition wasn’t that bad.... Odyssey was a good set.... Must buy Magic....”

After handing the poor lad a napkin to wipe away his drool, I found a local semi-pro player and showed him the samples. He responded by slapping me and saying, “What kind of moron gets their strategy from the same people who are trying to sell you the card-board crack in the first place? Are you stuck in Fallen Empires something? Begone from my presence, scrub!”

After recovering from the savage beating inflicted upon me, I decided to try once more with another random from the local scene. After showing him the examples, he had this to comment, “Who the hell is Ben Bleiweiss?”

Discuss this article in the Magic: the Gathering Forums!