The continuing production of bafflingly terrible Magic cards is a constant source of mental anguish for the high-level competitive Magic addict. Psychiatrists across the globe have reported to a wide variety of professional journals that an alarming trend seems to be growing among patients described in the field as suffering from "Pro-Tour Contender Syndrome," a serious disorder that causes homely social outcasts to imagine themselves to be witty and interesting to others, and worst of all, relevant to the world around them.

"The illness seems to be a compound array of smaller disorders rather than a singular disease manifest in the outwardly annoying personality as was previously believed," says Itawamba Community College psychology instructor Leonard "Nardo" Jenkins. "We have now discovered that the many symptoms thought to be unique to PTCS are in fact individual maladies that each contribute to the whole of the syndrome."

The most recent isolation is best described as a delusion of persecution triggered by the cyclic publication of new sets of cards for Magic: The Gathering, the chemical compound from which the whole of this horrible conglomerate of disorders originates when administered in heavy doses over a long period of time. This compound, called on the street by various slang terms such as "magic", "cards", "crack" or its chemical abbreviation "MTG", is introduced into the brain through a variety of methods. A brief explanation of dosing methods is necessary in order for the lay person to understand this latest discovery.

Probably the most common method of dosage is what the addicts refer to as "drafting." This is a process through which addicts can slowly administer the chemical over a period of three "packs" thereby maximizing the "Magic experience" and minimizing the harsh side effects of "packing crap rares" or "getting janked" which is a frequent negative chemical reaction that produces what is best described as a "bad trip" for the addict seeking a quick fix. Drafting is probably the safest method for the user of the drug, and is not the cause of this latest discovery. Other methods similar to drafting are also employed with similarly "safe" results. Under controlled circumstances a person's addiction to MTG can be relatively non-threatening if dosage is limited to such methods, which is why the medical term for these methods fall under the umbrella classification "Limited."

The most dangerous form of dosage is the cause of the recently discovered phenomenon. It has stages of severity proportional to the addiction. These stages are numbered, with the highest number being the most severe form. Currently, "Type 2" is the most dangerous dosage level, for it tends to have the most catastrophic impact upon the mind of the victims of PTCS.

The Type 2 user repeatedly doses him or herself, ever in search of elusive mega-highs achieved only via ingesting huge quantities of MTG, usually all at once. These super-doses are called "boxes" on the street, and contain the equivalent of 36 regular doses of the drug. Unfortunately, due to the commonality of the aforementioned negative reactions, the addict will frequently suffer massive "downs" as the result of ingesting so much MTG without the payoff of the mega-highs they sought. These downs have tell-tale outward symptoms, the most glaring of which is the repeated mumbling of desperate phrases such as "Got any Finkels for trade?" and "What do you value that Call of the Herd at?" or "Mise me that Undermine. You'll never play it."

When the desperate user fails to become "broken" (a term used to describe the state of intoxication desired by the Type 2 user) he becomes extremely frustrated and does one or all of the following things: 1) Spends rent money on another ?box?. 2) Stiffs a small child or moron on a "trade" (The term applied to a drug deal involving MTG in which the experienced user swaps a very minimal and probably bunk dosage of magic for a massively powerful one without the inexperienced user even being aware of the stiffage due to his or her novice status.) or 3) Writes a defamatory article about Wizards of the Coast (The pharmaceutical corporation which invented the drug and which manufactures the brand-name version.)

Option three is the safest and most appropriate response, and is therefore the most common reaction around the times of the release of each new "set of cards" (slang for the periodic reformulation of the drug). The annoying side effects of employing that option are what have been identified as this new disorder in the PTCS conglomerate. The disorder is being named "MSTNGS" or "Monkey Says That's Not Good Syndrome" after the apish hooting and screaming employed by the PTCS sufferer to get his or her point across that not every "rare" in the "set" is as potent as the most powerful "card "ever "printed."

Discuss this article in the Magic: the Gathering Forums!

The continuing production of bafflingly terrible Magic cards is a constant source of mental anguish for the high-level competitive Magic addict. Psychiatrists across the globe have reported to a wide variety of professional journals that an alarming trend seems to be growing among patients described in the field as suffering from "Pro-Tour Contender Syndrome," a serious disorder that causes homely social outcasts to imagine themselves to be witty and interesting to others, and worst of all, relevant to the world around them.

"The illness seems to be a compound array of smaller disorders rather than a singular disease manifest in the outwardly annoying personality as was previously believed," says Itawamba Community College psychology instructor Leonard "Nardo" Jenkins. "We have now discovered that the many symptoms thought to be unique to PTCS are in fact individual maladies that each contribute to the whole of the syndrome."

The most recent isolation is best described as a delusion of persecution triggered by the cyclic publication of new sets of cards for Magic: The Gathering, the chemical compound from which the whole of this horrible conglomerate of disorders originates when administered in heavy doses over a long period of time. This compound, called on the street by various slang terms such as "magic", "cards", "crack" or its chemical abbreviation "MTG", is introduced into the brain through a variety of methods. A brief explanation of dosing methods is necessary in order for the lay person to understand this latest discovery.

Probably the most common method of dosage is what the addicts refer to as "drafting." This is a process through which addicts can slowly administer the chemical over a period of three "packs" thereby maximizing the "Magic experience" and minimizing the harsh side effects of "packing crap rares" or "getting janked" which is a frequent negative chemical reaction that produces what is best described as a "bad trip" for the addict seeking a quick fix. Drafting is probably the safest method for the user of the drug, and is not the cause of this latest discovery. Other methods similar to drafting are also employed with similarly "safe" results. Under controlled circumstances a person's addiction to MTG can be relatively non-threatening if dosage is limited to such methods, which is why the medical term for these methods fall under the umbrella classification "Limited."

The most dangerous form of dosage is the cause of the recently discovered phenomenon. It has stages of severity proportional to the addiction. These stages are numbered, with the highest number being the most severe form. Currently, "Type 2" is the most dangerous dosage level, for it tends to have the most catastrophic impact upon the mind of the victims of PTCS.

The Type 2 user repeatedly doses him or herself, ever in search of elusive mega-highs achieved only via ingesting huge quantities of MTG, usually all at once. These super-doses are called "boxes" on the street, and contain the equivalent of 36 regular doses of the drug. Unfortunately, due to the commonality of the aforementioned negative reactions, the addict will frequently suffer massive "downs" as the result of ingesting so much MTG without the payoff of the mega-highs they sought. These downs have tell-tale outward symptoms, the most glaring of which is the repeated mumbling of desperate phrases such as "Got any Finkels for trade?" and "What do you value that Call of the Herd at?" or "Mise me that Undermine. You'll never play it."

When the desperate user fails to become "broken" (a term used to describe the state of intoxication desired by the Type 2 user) he becomes extremely frustrated and does one or all of the following things: 1) Spends rent money on another ?box?. 2) Stiffs a small child or moron on a "trade" (The term applied to a drug deal involving MTG in which the experienced user swaps a very minimal and probably bunk dosage of magic for a massively powerful one without the inexperienced user even being aware of the stiffage due to his or her novice status.) or 3) Writes a defamatory article about Wizards of the Coast (The pharmaceutical corporation which invented the drug and which manufactures the brand-name version.)

Option three is the safest and most appropriate response, and is therefore the most common reaction around the times of the release of each new "set of cards" (slang for the periodic reformulation of the drug). The annoying side effects of employing that option are what have been identified as this new disorder in the PTCS conglomerate. The disorder is being named "MSTNGS" or "Monkey Says That's Not Good Syndrome" after the apish hooting and screaming employed by the PTCS sufferer to get his or her point across that not every "rare" in the "set" is as potent as the most powerful "card "ever "printed."

Discuss this article in the Magic: the Gathering Forums!