A recent announcement on Wizard of the Coast’s MagicTheGathering.com web site left many of their former heroes and heroines feeling ill-treated and rejected.

On Thursday, February 7th, 2002, the leading manufacturer of trading card games posted news of a fall release for their new line of Magic the Gathering Action Figures.

At a press junket, held shortly after the news reached the public, several of Magic’s former “All Stars” vented their frustration over the figures and Wizards’ poor treatment of them since being rotated out of the current environment.

Gerrard Capashen, speaking from his retirement home in Florida where the group of disgruntled characters had gathered, indicated that ever since the Apocalypse none of the staff at Wizards of the Coast had treated them with the respect that they felt they had earned after years of loyal service.

Referring to the crew of the Weatherlight, he had this to say: “I had to put up with that damn bunch of retards for several blocks, and this is how I’m repaid? I can’t even get a damn Gerrard figure made as thanks?”

“I mean, I never really thought I could compete with the likes of Serra,” he continued while motioning as though holding a coconut in each hand, “but how does that damn Kamahl get a figure and I don’t? WTF is up with that? He’s been around for what, two expansions now? Oh, c’mon guys, I busted my gut for thirteen of the damn things. And what sort of pussy name is Kamahl anyway?”

But Gerrard Capashen was not the only forgotten character to express outrage over their exclusion from the range of action figures.

“I’ve been completely typecast because of my work on [Magic] and subsequently can’t get any sort of work anymore. Just look at me dammit, look at me!” sobbed Karn, who almost broke into tears during his statement, “Getting this Action Figure gig would have been a great boost for my floundering career!”

At one point, the original Serra screamed, “Who would you rather have an Action Figure of? That ugly cow, or me?”, while leaning forward to reveal her ample… argument.

The original Sengir also had a similarly themed comment: “How is it that some upstart punk that’s been on the scene for less than a month gets himself immortalized in plastic? It’s positively inhuman, I tell you. I’d like to rip his throat out!”

While we were unable to reach Wizards of the Coast for comment prior to writing, we were able to get a quick word from Yawgmoth, who was on his way to a game of golf at the time: “Payback’s a bitch, ain’t it Gerard?”

In related news, reaction from major players in the existing Action Figure community has been relatively indifferent.

Barbie was overheard at a pool party telling friends: “Like, I don’t rate this new Serra broad as a concern or anything. What does she have, like, one outfit? That’s like, so not pimp these days. Breastplates went out decades ago”

Meanwhile one reporter was able to catch up with GI Joe who is currently on active duty in an unnamed locale (which may, or may not be Afghanistan). The classic himself took a moment to go on record as saying he didn’t perceive them as a threat. “They’ve got swords and stuff right? They’ll be no match for a fully loaded M-16 with grenade launcher. Put it this way, where do you think He-Man is now?”

Discuss this article in the Magic: the Gathering Forums!

A recent announcement on Wizard of the Coast’s MagicTheGathering.com web site left many of their former heroes and heroines feeling ill-treated and rejected.

On Thursday, February 7th, 2002, the leading manufacturer of trading card games posted news of a fall release for their new line of Magic the Gathering Action Figures.

At a press junket, held shortly after the news reached the public, several of Magic’s former “All Stars” vented their frustration over the figures and Wizards’ poor treatment of them since being rotated out of the current environment.

Gerrard Capashen, speaking from his retirement home in Florida where the group of disgruntled characters had gathered, indicated that ever since the Apocalypse none of the staff at Wizards of the Coast had treated them with the respect that they felt they had earned after years of loyal service.

Referring to the crew of the Weatherlight, he had this to say: “I had to put up with that damn bunch of retards for several blocks, and this is how I’m repaid? I can’t even get a damn Gerrard figure made as thanks?”

“I mean, I never really thought I could compete with the likes of Serra,” he continued while motioning as though holding a coconut in each hand, “but how does that damn Kamahl get a figure and I don’t? WTF is up with that? He’s been around for what, two expansions now? Oh, c’mon guys, I busted my gut for thirteen of the damn things. And what sort of pussy name is Kamahl anyway?”

But Gerrard Capashen was not the only forgotten character to express outrage over their exclusion from the range of action figures.

“I’ve been completely typecast because of my work on [Magic] and subsequently can’t get any sort of work anymore. Just look at me dammit, look at me!” sobbed Karn, who almost broke into tears during his statement, “Getting this Action Figure gig would have been a great boost for my floundering career!”

At one point, the original Serra screamed, “Who would you rather have an Action Figure of? That ugly cow, or me?”, while leaning forward to reveal her ample… argument.

The original Sengir also had a similarly themed comment: “How is it that some upstart punk that’s been on the scene for less than a month gets himself immortalized in plastic? It’s positively inhuman, I tell you. I’d like to rip his throat out!”

While we were unable to reach Wizards of the Coast for comment prior to writing, we were able to get a quick word from Yawgmoth, who was on his way to a game of golf at the time: “Payback’s a bitch, ain’t it Gerard?”

In related news, reaction from major players in the existing Action Figure community has been relatively indifferent.

Barbie was overheard at a pool party telling friends: “Like, I don’t rate this new Serra broad as a concern or anything. What does she have, like, one outfit? That’s like, so not pimp these days. Breastplates went out decades ago”

Meanwhile one reporter was able to catch up with GI Joe who is currently on active duty in an unnamed locale (which may, or may not be Afghanistan). The classic himself took a moment to go on record as saying he didn’t perceive them as a threat. “They’ve got swords and stuff right? They’ll be no match for a fully loaded M-16 with grenade launcher. Put it this way, where do you think He-Man is now?”

Discuss this article in the Magic: the Gathering Forums!