At a press conference earlier this week, head of the Department of Human Studies (DHS) stated that, "new studies have uncovered that Magic Players are, in fact, not human, but a human-like sub-specie."

Derived from the human specie name "HomoSapiens", the sub-specie has been dubbed "HomoSaprazzan." Steve Dickens, assistant director of operations at DHS, stated that, "though born of a human, an error in the formation of the chromosomes causes a normal human to genetically morph into future magic players. This explains why the first words spoken by magic players are those such as: Broken, Beastie, and Swing, whereas a normal human is known to squeeze out Momma, Dadda, or WaWa. Our study also showed that the usual chromosome that becomes mutated is, obviously, the male chromosome."

This, of course, explains why 98% of the magic population is male, and that most have never and will never obtain a girl friend. It also explains why the magic population has seemed to develop its own language over the years. Few phrases have actually been deciphered, and those that have are still only theoretical.
For example, the singular word "mise", is said to mean "might as well" but has been heard used in other ways. The word "swing" supposedly means "to attack, to charge."

"The specie's diet seems to revolve around pizza, chocolate bars, and sodas such as Dr. Pepper and Mountain Dew. This unhealthy diet is the main cause behind the severe obesity the magic population suffers. Actual exercise has rarely been observed, except on certain occasions. One such occasion involves the very competitive, territorial nature of the HomoSaprazzans. Gorilla-like, physical competitions have broken out over arguments about whether or not one player played a land this turn, or whether a player's life total is correct. These competitions rarely result in any solution, and usually just end up with 2 players having minor lacerations and bruises."

Mr. Dickens also informed us that personal hygiene is very barbaric compared to the human race. Humans, which average 1 to 2 showers a day, seem to bathe over 600% more than magic players. On average, a magic player might shower 1 to 2 times a week. Laundry, which usually consists of ripped, tight blue jeans, and magic t-shirts riddled with pizza stains is done about twice a month, and magic players are usually seen shaven about once every two months."

Other information released at the conference stated that magic players might actually be the stepping stone from the ape to man, and could help scientists prove the evolution theory. "Magic players' habitual practices are almost like upgraded neanderthals, except that in some cases, their intelligence rivals that of modern
man."

We'll keep you posted as more information is released.

Discuss this article in the Magic: the Gathering Forums!

At a press conference earlier this week, head of the Department of Human Studies (DHS) stated that, "new studies have uncovered that Magic Players are, in fact, not human, but a human-like sub-specie."

Derived from the human specie name "HomoSapiens", the sub-specie has been dubbed "HomoSaprazzan." Steve Dickens, assistant director of operations at DHS, stated that, "though born of a human, an error in the formation of the chromosomes causes a normal human to genetically morph into future magic players. This explains why the first words spoken by magic players are those such as: Broken, Beastie, and Swing, whereas a normal human is known to squeeze out Momma, Dadda, or WaWa. Our study also showed that the usual chromosome that becomes mutated is, obviously, the male chromosome."

This, of course, explains why 98% of the magic population is male, and that most have never and will never obtain a girl friend. It also explains why the magic population has seemed to develop its own language over the years. Few phrases have actually been deciphered, and those that have are still only theoretical.
For example, the singular word "mise", is said to mean "might as well" but has been heard used in other ways. The word "swing" supposedly means "to attack, to charge."

"The specie's diet seems to revolve around pizza, chocolate bars, and sodas such as Dr. Pepper and Mountain Dew. This unhealthy diet is the main cause behind the severe obesity the magic population suffers. Actual exercise has rarely been observed, except on certain occasions. One such occasion involves the very competitive, territorial nature of the HomoSaprazzans. Gorilla-like, physical competitions have broken out over arguments about whether or not one player played a land this turn, or whether a player's life total is correct. These competitions rarely result in any solution, and usually just end up with 2 players having minor lacerations and bruises."

Mr. Dickens also informed us that personal hygiene is very barbaric compared to the human race. Humans, which average 1 to 2 showers a day, seem to bathe over 600% more than magic players. On average, a magic player might shower 1 to 2 times a week. Laundry, which usually consists of ripped, tight blue jeans, and magic t-shirts riddled with pizza stains is done about twice a month, and magic players are usually seen shaven about once every two months."

Other information released at the conference stated that magic players might actually be the stepping stone from the ape to man, and could help scientists prove the evolution theory. "Magic players' habitual practices are almost like upgraded neanderthals, except that in some cases, their intelligence rivals that of modern
man."

We'll keep you posted as more information is released.

Discuss this article in the Magic: the Gathering Forums!