It starts out seeming to be a normal day just like any other. At the entrance to the deserted temple, a patrol hound and a guard dog keep the nomads out. The birds are twittering and the squirrels chatter. Diligent farmhands plow under the nearby petrified field. And next door, outside the Serra Aviary, a benevolent caretaker fills up the birdfeeder and tosses some peanuts to the herds of elephants. After he goes back into the aviary, however, the trouble starts. The squirrels, unable to resist the birdseed, leap onto the feeder and begin gorging themselves.

"I told you to stay out of the fucking birdseed! That's for the Birds of Paradise, you goddamn pests!"

Then there is a blinding light and every living thing on the planet is burnt to a crisp. It's not just the naughty squirrels that are punished. Everything, from the caretakers and the birds of paradise to the aquamoebas, gets killed.

The problem is that this has been happening far too often. God is unable to control that fiery temper of his and finally some of Dominaria's citizens have done something about it.

"We sent some messengers to Him," said Amugaba, one of the only creatures capable of surviving God's fits of rage and the organizer of this effort to change God, "but they were all killed for daring to suggest that he needed to change. Eventually we just left a note on his doorstep. He's finally agreed to do something about it. Beginning next month he'll be going through a 12-step program run by a Nantuko calmer to help him deal with his rage issues."

When God was reached for questioning, he immediately blew up, "Who told you that? Amugaba? That son of a bitch! I'll rip his intestines out with a. . . Oh dear, I'm doing it again, aren't I? I just can't concentrate. All I wanted was a moment's peace. This place is overrun with squirrel mobs. Was I asking for so much?"

In the interview, God said he'd have been fine if it weren't for those dang squirrels. Apparently he's tried every kind of spray, from pepper to volcanic, and even bought those expensive newfangled birdfeeders, but the squirrels eventually built up an immunity to the sprays and are clever enough to figure out a way into the feeders every time.

To show their appreciation for God's willingness to improve himself, the people of Dominaria have decided to help God with his squirrel problem. Some mine layers will hunt down and destroy the squirrels' nests. An army of Cabal torturers, dogged hunters, and psionically gifted cephalids have been hired to guard the birdfeeders. Also, there will be beasts and elephants hiding in the trees to jump down and squash any squirrels that make it past those defenses. Finally, Lieutenant Kirtar himself will sit watch to give any Krosan beasts that happen to recklessly charge into the area a reason to stop and think again.

Amugaba seemed pleased with the results of his efforts. "Now all we have to do is get Urza and Kirtar to enter this program. They just don't know how to take a joke and sometimes they get REALLY pissed..."

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It starts out seeming to be a normal day just like any other. At the entrance to the deserted temple, a patrol hound and a guard dog keep the nomads out. The birds are twittering and the squirrels chatter. Diligent farmhands plow under the nearby petrified field. And next door, outside the Serra Aviary, a benevolent caretaker fills up the birdfeeder and tosses some peanuts to the herds of elephants. After he goes back into the aviary, however, the trouble starts. The squirrels, unable to resist the birdseed, leap onto the feeder and begin gorging themselves.

"I told you to stay out of the fucking birdseed! That's for the Birds of Paradise, you goddamn pests!"

Then there is a blinding light and every living thing on the planet is burnt to a crisp. It's not just the naughty squirrels that are punished. Everything, from the caretakers and the birds of paradise to the aquamoebas, gets killed.

The problem is that this has been happening far too often. God is unable to control that fiery temper of his and finally some of Dominaria's citizens have done something about it.

"We sent some messengers to Him," said Amugaba, one of the only creatures capable of surviving God's fits of rage and the organizer of this effort to change God, "but they were all killed for daring to suggest that he needed to change. Eventually we just left a note on his doorstep. He's finally agreed to do something about it. Beginning next month he'll be going through a 12-step program run by a Nantuko calmer to help him deal with his rage issues."

When God was reached for questioning, he immediately blew up, "Who told you that? Amugaba? That son of a bitch! I'll rip his intestines out with a. . . Oh dear, I'm doing it again, aren't I? I just can't concentrate. All I wanted was a moment's peace. This place is overrun with squirrel mobs. Was I asking for so much?"

In the interview, God said he'd have been fine if it weren't for those dang squirrels. Apparently he's tried every kind of spray, from pepper to volcanic, and even bought those expensive newfangled birdfeeders, but the squirrels eventually built up an immunity to the sprays and are clever enough to figure out a way into the feeders every time.

To show their appreciation for God's willingness to improve himself, the people of Dominaria have decided to help God with his squirrel problem. Some mine layers will hunt down and destroy the squirrels' nests. An army of Cabal torturers, dogged hunters, and psionically gifted cephalids have been hired to guard the birdfeeders. Also, there will be beasts and elephants hiding in the trees to jump down and squash any squirrels that make it past those defenses. Finally, Lieutenant Kirtar himself will sit watch to give any Krosan beasts that happen to recklessly charge into the area a reason to stop and think again.

Amugaba seemed pleased with the results of his efforts. "Now all we have to do is get Urza and Kirtar to enter this program. They just don't know how to take a joke and sometimes they get REALLY pissed..."

Discuss this article in the Magic: the Gathering Forums!