All the latest news, in just 5,000 words.

Kai Budde Doesn't Win Pro Tour Nice

Kai Budde was once again the talk of the tournament, as he somehow failed to mise the Top 8 despite his vastly superior drafting skills, which landed him a deck with a perfect curve and stellar mana base. Young draft enthusiasts are already clamoring to have Budde sign their Faceless Butchers. Athletes of the intellectual sport that is Magic are quickly attributing Kai's loss to bad luck and manascrew. On a minor side note, Kai's loss means that some other dude won the event. Expect more coverage of Kai coming soon.

In other Pro Tour news, renowned pro Gary Talim cemented his place as one of the top eight players in the world, and is expected to be a shoe-in for the Invitational. Additionally, of the estimated two MiseTings forum posters who were qualified for the event, one was unable to secure a loan from his parents to buy a plane ticket, and the other had an orthodontist's appointment and thus could not attend. On a brighter note, MiseTings editor Mike Bregoli, despite having his soul slowly sucked away by having to moderate the filth that is the MiseTings forums, showed that when it comes to writing humor, he's still got it. Be sure to check out his article for more coverage of Wise vs. Benafel and, of course, Kai Budde.

Thousands Demand Battle of Wits Reform

Magic players worldwide are rallying behind renowned writer and top-notch player Charles Mosseau, demanding a rules change to help curb the dominance of Battle of Wits in the current environments. Following in the footsteps of such luminaries as Michael Clauss, Mosseau is leading the charge (I was going to link here but the article seems to have disappeared - "monopolies, cheating and Battle of Wits reform" I think it was called if you can find it) to stop the savage cheating associated with the Tier 1 Odyssey rare.

"For too long, Battle of Wits has filled top 8 brackets worldwide, letting cheaters sporting 250 card decklists walk away with the top prize at countless PTQs, Masters, Pro Tours, and Grand Prixs off the power of this seemingly harmless enchantment," Mosseau said at an overcrowded rally. "We are seeing the kind of dominance not seen since the Black Summer and the Combo Winter, all fueled by vicious, vicious cheating. The Battle of Wits tyranny must end."

Bowing to the overwhelming public pressure, Wizards has issued an emergency ban on the Battle in a desperate attempt to rebalance the Standard environment before the Type 2 Grand Prix season. Throughout the past week, the DCI has descended upon tournaments worldwide, suspending all cheaters sporting the telltale monstrous deck. While searches of 157 such tournaments have so far yielded no Battle of Wits players, judges were able to seize upon 12-year-old Michigan resident and blatant cheater Bernie Douglas, who was savaging an area FNM with his 188-card Green Fatty Stomp deck based on the power of Ivy Elemental (two copies), Pride of Lions (one copy), and Primal Frenzy (six copies).

Masters Series Won By The Littlest Pro

To the surprise and delight of onlookers, the deciding game of the Nice Masters was won by Alexander Witt, the Littlest Pro. At a diminutive 4'2'' tall, no one gave Witt a chance to win the prize. All the big, mean Pros laughed at him and called him names. They wouldn't let him join in any of their Pro Tour games.

"Look at that shrimp, they call that a Pro?" laughed Kai Budde, a big, important Pro from a big, important team. "I could nearly squish him with my boot! Me and all my Pro Tour friends ought to beat him up and take his lunch money."

The Littlest Pro knew that if he won, many of the big, mean Pros would be very cross with him. So when the championship game lay in the teeny, tiny hands of Witt, he faced a very tough decision. "If I win the money that the big Pros want for themselves, they will be very upset," The Littlest Pro said before the finals. "But if I don't win, then I let down all my little friends who are going to take my prizes in bad money splits. What am I to do?"

But just then, The Littlest Pro remembered something that his magical turtle friend Dave Williams had told him long ago: if you follow your heart, have courage in yourself, and don't get caught cheating, your wishes can come true and you can mise your eleventh consecutive match. Setting his little deck on the little table, Witt declared in a clear high voice, "A Pro is a Pro, no matter how big or tall - or how small or how skinny or round like a ball." All the big Pros laughed, but The Littlest Pro didn't get scared. After he won the match, everyone stood up and cheered. Finally, everyone saw that sometimes the littlest people can make the biggest difference.

GMOTW Article Sparks Momentary Excitement in MiseTings Forums

Continuing the tradition begun by the tidal wave of responses to three recent posts about an Onion article, the recent selection of Masters champion Rick Moranis as Good Man of the Week has sparked even more lively discussion. Among the key participants is Ken "KK" Krouner, who is rapidly gaining recognition as a writer of good articles who then proceeds to destroy his own credibility by getting very emotional and defensive, wading into the filth that is the MiseTings forums trying to defend his admittedly proven comic abilities from those who simply do not care for his style. Literary critics and psychoanalysts are already pointing to Krouner's 40+ posts as a scarlet letter, revealing his own insecurities manifested in the need to criticize people who just don't get it. Chief among Krouner's critics are self-described "veteran MiseTingers," pathetic gamers who, despite claiming to be the beating heart of the site, failed to recognize the Rick Moranis joke even though it has existed for years, including an appearance on MiseTings itself back when the site was actually funny.

R&D Member Tries to Take Credit For Worldgorger Dragon, Isn't Fooling Anyone

With the Judgment spoiler leaked ridiculously early, losers who are already spending their waking lives trying to break the format have stumbled across the ultra-powerful Worldgorger Dragon. Despite the extremely unlikely nature of the combo, forty-three-year-old virgin and Wizards R&D member Glen Nichols is desperately insisting that he knew of the second-turn infinite mana loop before the set went to print, sources reported.

"As our recent track record shows, we are very thorough in making sure that no broken combo cards come out of the new sets that would minimize player interaction," Nichols said in a statement that, as of press time, has not succeeded in fooling anyone. "We thoroughly tested all aspects of the Dragon, diligently playtesting it with potential gamebreakers such as Belbe's Portal and Leviathan to ensure that no broken combos emerge. Just like the three-Faceless Butcher loop, we feel that in the extremely unlikely event that an extended player can consistently assemble a two-card combo, then they deserve the rewards. Besides, if things get out of hand, we can always ban Vampiric Tutor, Underground Sea, and the always-broken Dance of the Dead, to keep the environment balanced."

Another Goddamn Weekly Column?

MiseTings readers expressed alarm that cavedan apparently has gotten it in his head to start another goddamn weekly column, effectively beating to death an article genre already exhausted by the likes of Gary Wise, Alex Shvartsman, and Ken Krouner. However, at a press conference, cavedan assured readers that they will never have to suffer through another one of these monstrosities ever again, explaining that he was just "really, really bored" and had two hours to kill.

Discuss this article in the Magic: the Gathering Forums!

All the latest news, in just 5,000 words.

Kai Budde Doesn't Win Pro Tour Nice

Kai Budde was once again the talk of the tournament, as he somehow failed to mise the Top 8 despite his vastly superior drafting skills, which landed him a deck with a perfect curve and stellar mana base. Young draft enthusiasts are already clamoring to have Budde sign their Faceless Butchers. Athletes of the intellectual sport that is Magic are quickly attributing Kai's loss to bad luck and manascrew. On a minor side note, Kai's loss means that some other dude won the event. Expect more coverage of Kai coming soon.

In other Pro Tour news, renowned pro Gary Talim cemented his place as one of the top eight players in the world, and is expected to be a shoe-in for the Invitational. Additionally, of the estimated two MiseTings forum posters who were qualified for the event, one was unable to secure a loan from his parents to buy a plane ticket, and the other had an orthodontist's appointment and thus could not attend. On a brighter note, MiseTings editor Mike Bregoli, despite having his soul slowly sucked away by having to moderate the filth that is the MiseTings forums, showed that when it comes to writing humor, he's still got it. Be sure to check out his article for more coverage of Wise vs. Benafel and, of course, Kai Budde.

Thousands Demand Battle of Wits Reform

Magic players worldwide are rallying behind renowned writer and top-notch player Charles Mosseau, demanding a rules change to help curb the dominance of Battle of Wits in the current environments. Following in the footsteps of such luminaries as Michael Clauss, Mosseau is leading the charge (I was going to link here but the article seems to have disappeared - "monopolies, cheating and Battle of Wits reform" I think it was called if you can find it) to stop the savage cheating associated with the Tier 1 Odyssey rare.

"For too long, Battle of Wits has filled top 8 brackets worldwide, letting cheaters sporting 250 card decklists walk away with the top prize at countless PTQs, Masters, Pro Tours, and Grand Prixs off the power of this seemingly harmless enchantment," Mosseau said at an overcrowded rally. "We are seeing the kind of dominance not seen since the Black Summer and the Combo Winter, all fueled by vicious, vicious cheating. The Battle of Wits tyranny must end."

Bowing to the overwhelming public pressure, Wizards has issued an emergency ban on the Battle in a desperate attempt to rebalance the Standard environment before the Type 2 Grand Prix season. Throughout the past week, the DCI has descended upon tournaments worldwide, suspending all cheaters sporting the telltale monstrous deck. While searches of 157 such tournaments have so far yielded no Battle of Wits players, judges were able to seize upon 12-year-old Michigan resident and blatant cheater Bernie Douglas, who was savaging an area FNM with his 188-card Green Fatty Stomp deck based on the power of Ivy Elemental (two copies), Pride of Lions (one copy), and Primal Frenzy (six copies).

Masters Series Won By The Littlest Pro

To the surprise and delight of onlookers, the deciding game of the Nice Masters was won by Alexander Witt, the Littlest Pro. At a diminutive 4'2'' tall, no one gave Witt a chance to win the prize. All the big, mean Pros laughed at him and called him names. They wouldn't let him join in any of their Pro Tour games.

"Look at that shrimp, they call that a Pro?" laughed Kai Budde, a big, important Pro from a big, important team. "I could nearly squish him with my boot! Me and all my Pro Tour friends ought to beat him up and take his lunch money."

The Littlest Pro knew that if he won, many of the big, mean Pros would be very cross with him. So when the championship game lay in the teeny, tiny hands of Witt, he faced a very tough decision. "If I win the money that the big Pros want for themselves, they will be very upset," The Littlest Pro said before the finals. "But if I don't win, then I let down all my little friends who are going to take my prizes in bad money splits. What am I to do?"

But just then, The Littlest Pro remembered something that his magical turtle friend Dave Williams had told him long ago: if you follow your heart, have courage in yourself, and don't get caught cheating, your wishes can come true and you can mise your eleventh consecutive match. Setting his little deck on the little table, Witt declared in a clear high voice, "A Pro is a Pro, no matter how big or tall - or how small or how skinny or round like a ball." All the big Pros laughed, but The Littlest Pro didn't get scared. After he won the match, everyone stood up and cheered. Finally, everyone saw that sometimes the littlest people can make the biggest difference.

GMOTW Article Sparks Momentary Excitement in MiseTings Forums

Continuing the tradition begun by the tidal wave of responses to three recent posts about an Onion article, the recent selection of Masters champion Rick Moranis as Good Man of the Week has sparked even more lively discussion. Among the key participants is Ken "KK" Krouner, who is rapidly gaining recognition as a writer of good articles who then proceeds to destroy his own credibility by getting very emotional and defensive, wading into the filth that is the MiseTings forums trying to defend his admittedly proven comic abilities from those who simply do not care for his style. Literary critics and psychoanalysts are already pointing to Krouner's 40+ posts as a scarlet letter, revealing his own insecurities manifested in the need to criticize people who just don't get it. Chief among Krouner's critics are self-described "veteran MiseTingers," pathetic gamers who, despite claiming to be the beating heart of the site, failed to recognize the Rick Moranis joke even though it has existed for years, including an appearance on MiseTings itself back when the site was actually funny.

R&D Member Tries to Take Credit For Worldgorger Dragon, Isn't Fooling Anyone

With the Judgment spoiler leaked ridiculously early, losers who are already spending their waking lives trying to break the format have stumbled across the ultra-powerful Worldgorger Dragon. Despite the extremely unlikely nature of the combo, forty-three-year-old virgin and Wizards R&D member Glen Nichols is desperately insisting that he knew of the second-turn infinite mana loop before the set went to print, sources reported.

"As our recent track record shows, we are very thorough in making sure that no broken combo cards come out of the new sets that would minimize player interaction," Nichols said in a statement that, as of press time, has not succeeded in fooling anyone. "We thoroughly tested all aspects of the Dragon, diligently playtesting it with potential gamebreakers such as Belbe's Portal and Leviathan to ensure that no broken combos emerge. Just like the three-Faceless Butcher loop, we feel that in the extremely unlikely event that an extended player can consistently assemble a two-card combo, then they deserve the rewards. Besides, if things get out of hand, we can always ban Vampiric Tutor, Underground Sea, and the always-broken Dance of the Dead, to keep the environment balanced."

Another Goddamn Weekly Column?

MiseTings readers expressed alarm that cavedan apparently has gotten it in his head to start another goddamn weekly column, effectively beating to death an article genre already exhausted by the likes of Gary Wise, Alex Shvartsman, and Ken Krouner. However, at a press conference, cavedan assured readers that they will never have to suffer through another one of these monstrosities ever again, explaining that he was just "really, really bored" and had two hours to kill.

Discuss this article in the Magic: the Gathering Forums!