Thousands of Magic players around the world were treated to the original writing of Eli Kaplan, who was covering GP: Milwaukee. Kaplan, with dozens of such reports “under his belt,” was “boasting” of how good a job he could do at the coming GP. Eli began “bringing the beats” in round 3, ”kicking off the game” with coverage of Stokinger vs. Karem. This match is where Kaplan’s stock of witty phrases that he had “built on the beachside” first came to bear.

It started to “haunt” him that he might not “bring home the bacon” covering only a few matches, but he had a “battalion of well-trained goblin soldiers” “up his sleeve” to insert random words so that he could work faster. These were a “potent answer” to his vast workload, since he would then have access to a million phrases that had already “sank into the graveyard” long ago or had “flown to the great kennel in the sky.” He was “a man on a roll.” Often, he “turned sideways” in his seat to consult with the tokens and their leader “Miss America” for the right word to use.

When they had nothing for him, he was “not rattled in the slightest”, since he had “oodles and oodles” of trite phrases of his own. Just when he was at a loss for words, a Merfolk Looter died in a match and the “fire that fried the fish” popped into his head and let him “make the best of the situation”.

Sometimes a match would “throw him for a loop”, but he could always fall back on spending hundreds of words biasing people vs. one player and making them sympathetic of another using lies and slanderous allegations. Many people were surprised to find out that Eric Taylor’s respect stemmed from his large supply of “play skill” and that Chris Benafel hadn’t had any “high-profile” finishes recently.

In other matches, Kaplan revealed such insightful (yet completely erroneous) hypotheses as “Conventional wisdom states that the player who drops the kill mechanism in a control vs. control match up first will usually get the win.” The “smart money”, as it turns out, would have just been on reading the results of each round. Kaplan’s narrative skill was like a “millstone grinding away” at readers’ sanity.


You too can grind away at reader’s sanity! Have fun with the Eli Kaplan phrases below and perhaps you can craft your own report of Kaplan’s reporting.

Keeping with the trend
Axe off
Short but sporadic flurry
To the picnic
Wouldn’t hear of any of that
Reared its ugly head
Hungry Psychatog looked forlorn
Cheer the little guy up
Sated with his companionship
Freshly minted
The Jig was up
Wasn’t going to sit still
Turn up the heat
Start cranking out
Well known for his youthful exuberance and personality, he never fails to gain attention.
Dragonlord, Handsome Man, and Ayatollah of Rock and Rollah Brian Kibler
big friggin' creatures,
goose would be cooked
Alas for Davis, his effort was for naught
Death of a thousand cuts
Offered the handshake
Cool, calm, and collected
When it rains, it pours
Stock appeared to sink low
Rolled the dice
Brining the beats
The third game saw
Sacked without notice and Fired
A Jilt with Kicker could only slay two of the red and white emblazoned army, and the masses of Trench-spawn marched over to bring Karem the win.

Discuss this article in the Magic: the Gathering Forums!

Thousands of Magic players around the world were treated to the original writing of Eli Kaplan, who was covering GP: Milwaukee. Kaplan, with dozens of such reports “under his belt,” was “boasting” of how good a job he could do at the coming GP. Eli began “bringing the beats” in round 3, ”kicking off the game” with coverage of Stokinger vs. Karem. This match is where Kaplan’s stock of witty phrases that he had “built on the beachside” first came to bear.

It started to “haunt” him that he might not “bring home the bacon” covering only a few matches, but he had a “battalion of well-trained goblin soldiers” “up his sleeve” to insert random words so that he could work faster. These were a “potent answer” to his vast workload, since he would then have access to a million phrases that had already “sank into the graveyard” long ago or had “flown to the great kennel in the sky.” He was “a man on a roll.” Often, he “turned sideways” in his seat to consult with the tokens and their leader “Miss America” for the right word to use.

When they had nothing for him, he was “not rattled in the slightest”, since he had “oodles and oodles” of trite phrases of his own. Just when he was at a loss for words, a Merfolk Looter died in a match and the “fire that fried the fish” popped into his head and let him “make the best of the situation”.

Sometimes a match would “throw him for a loop”, but he could always fall back on spending hundreds of words biasing people vs. one player and making them sympathetic of another using lies and slanderous allegations. Many people were surprised to find out that Eric Taylor’s respect stemmed from his large supply of “play skill” and that Chris Benafel hadn’t had any “high-profile” finishes recently.

In other matches, Kaplan revealed such insightful (yet completely erroneous) hypotheses as “Conventional wisdom states that the player who drops the kill mechanism in a control vs. control match up first will usually get the win.” The “smart money”, as it turns out, would have just been on reading the results of each round. Kaplan’s narrative skill was like a “millstone grinding away” at readers’ sanity.


You too can grind away at reader’s sanity! Have fun with the Eli Kaplan phrases below and perhaps you can craft your own report of Kaplan’s reporting.

Keeping with the trend
Axe off
Short but sporadic flurry
To the picnic
Wouldn’t hear of any of that
Reared its ugly head
Hungry Psychatog looked forlorn
Cheer the little guy up
Sated with his companionship
Freshly minted
The Jig was up
Wasn’t going to sit still
Turn up the heat
Start cranking out
Well known for his youthful exuberance and personality, he never fails to gain attention.
Dragonlord, Handsome Man, and Ayatollah of Rock and Rollah Brian Kibler
big friggin' creatures,
goose would be cooked
Alas for Davis, his effort was for naught
Death of a thousand cuts
Offered the handshake
Cool, calm, and collected
When it rains, it pours
Stock appeared to sink low
Rolled the dice
Brining the beats
The third game saw
Sacked without notice and Fired
A Jilt with Kicker could only slay two of the red and white emblazoned army, and the masses of Trench-spawn marched over to bring Karem the win.

Discuss this article in the Magic: the Gathering Forums!