Randy Buehler's most recent column reveals the results of a demographic poll conducted by Wizards of the Coast to determine what percentage of players are actually shit.

Mark Rosewater explained how the the wording of the poll came about, "Obviously we could not just ask 'Are you shit?' as one of the symptoms of being shit, along with losing a lot, is a delusional state of denial. In fact, many shit players are so deep in denial they regularly write strategy columns. Instead, we had to ask 'Do you like to play with life gain cards?'"

"It is obvious why playing life gain cards is highly correlated with being shit, as it widely accepted to be the third worst mechanic in the game of Magic. Snow-covered lands come in a close second to Legend's "Glyph" cycle, a set of five instants which dealt with walls and the creatures they blocked."

Randy Buehler noted, "We must admit we were surprised by the results. We knew there were a lot of shit players when our research showed trample to be too complicated for the main set, but it turns out almost half of the players are total shit. Since this had implications for Onslaught, we had to cancel the fourth in a series of meetings in which have been discussing how we can get players to stop calling it "Type 2" and respect our omnipotence by calling it "Standard".

Wizards is now probing the issue of exactly which aspects of the game shit players are having trouble grasping. To this end, the current question offered in Buehler's column, "Was it a mistake to print Psychatog?" is really a rewording of the question "Do you have the slightest grasp of the concept of the metagame?"

Discuss this article in the Magic: the Gathering Forums!

Randy Buehler's most recent column reveals the results of a demographic poll conducted by Wizards of the Coast to determine what percentage of players are actually shit.

Mark Rosewater explained how the the wording of the poll came about, "Obviously we could not just ask 'Are you shit?' as one of the symptoms of being shit, along with losing a lot, is a delusional state of denial. In fact, many shit players are so deep in denial they regularly write strategy columns. Instead, we had to ask 'Do you like to play with life gain cards?'"

"It is obvious why playing life gain cards is highly correlated with being shit, as it widely accepted to be the third worst mechanic in the game of Magic. Snow-covered lands come in a close second to Legend's "Glyph" cycle, a set of five instants which dealt with walls and the creatures they blocked."

Randy Buehler noted, "We must admit we were surprised by the results. We knew there were a lot of shit players when our research showed trample to be too complicated for the main set, but it turns out almost half of the players are total shit. Since this had implications for Onslaught, we had to cancel the fourth in a series of meetings in which have been discussing how we can get players to stop calling it "Type 2" and respect our omnipotence by calling it "Standard".

Wizards is now probing the issue of exactly which aspects of the game shit players are having trouble grasping. To this end, the current question offered in Buehler's column, "Was it a mistake to print Psychatog?" is really a rewording of the question "Do you have the slightest grasp of the concept of the metagame?"

Discuss this article in the Magic: the Gathering Forums!