Irving, Texas - On Wednesday, a local 18-year old was discovered alone in his room masturbating. Mike Spender was caught in a compromising position with his pants around his ankles and a Magic the Gathering card in his hand.

Spender was discovered by his friend Justin Wilcox when he was directed to upstairs by Spender’s mother. Wilcox recalls the incident. “I thought I’d see what Mike was up to. You know, maybe fire up the PlayStation, grab a Mountain Dew, score some Little Debbies. I get upstairs and Mike is standing there with his pants down. Busted! It’s like he’s going to hurt himself or something. With MY Serra Angel! I guess he forgot to lock the door. He knew I was coming because I had called earlier. What a dumbass.” Wilcox told Spender he could keep the card.

Spender commented: “I’m not sure what came over me. I had just been going through a binder that Justin had left after spending the night on Saturday. And then I saw he had a Serra. She was French, Fourth Edition, near mint, so I was like, ‘Mise! What would Kai do?’ I mean, she’s French, amiright? So why not? I’m going for it. And then Justin busts in. It’s no big deal. I have a girlfriend who usually takes care of that stuff for me. Why should I care? I scored a Serra out of it.”

When contacted for comment, Britney Alloway said, “Mike Spender’s girlfriend? As if! I went out with that loser once cause I thought he was some sort of loner rebel type, like Johnny Depp in Chocolat – I love that movie! But he stinks. I wanted to vomit the whole time I was with him. He showed me these cards he had in a backpack with him. He pretends he’s a wizard or something playing with dragons. Mike’s pretty creepy. I’m just glad he wasn’t thinking of me.”

Spender has managed to deal with his new-found celebrity. “When I walked into Fantastic Realms on Friday, everyone stood up and applauded. Justin must have told them. Everyone wanted to trade with me, but they kept asking me if I have dumb cards like Granite Grip, Relentless Assault, Primal Frenzy, or Angelic Renewal. I did manage to pick up some Solitary Confinements and Seedtimes for my Green-White deck.”

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Irving, Texas - On Wednesday, a local 18-year old was discovered alone in his room masturbating. Mike Spender was caught in a compromising position with his pants around his ankles and a Magic the Gathering card in his hand.

Spender was discovered by his friend Justin Wilcox when he was directed to upstairs by Spender’s mother. Wilcox recalls the incident. “I thought I’d see what Mike was up to. You know, maybe fire up the PlayStation, grab a Mountain Dew, score some Little Debbies. I get upstairs and Mike is standing there with his pants down. Busted! It’s like he’s going to hurt himself or something. With MY Serra Angel! I guess he forgot to lock the door. He knew I was coming because I had called earlier. What a dumbass.” Wilcox told Spender he could keep the card.

Spender commented: “I’m not sure what came over me. I had just been going through a binder that Justin had left after spending the night on Saturday. And then I saw he had a Serra. She was French, Fourth Edition, near mint, so I was like, ‘Mise! What would Kai do?’ I mean, she’s French, amiright? So why not? I’m going for it. And then Justin busts in. It’s no big deal. I have a girlfriend who usually takes care of that stuff for me. Why should I care? I scored a Serra out of it.”

When contacted for comment, Britney Alloway said, “Mike Spender’s girlfriend? As if! I went out with that loser once cause I thought he was some sort of loner rebel type, like Johnny Depp in Chocolat – I love that movie! But he stinks. I wanted to vomit the whole time I was with him. He showed me these cards he had in a backpack with him. He pretends he’s a wizard or something playing with dragons. Mike’s pretty creepy. I’m just glad he wasn’t thinking of me.”

Spender has managed to deal with his new-found celebrity. “When I walked into Fantastic Realms on Friday, everyone stood up and applauded. Justin must have told them. Everyone wanted to trade with me, but they kept asking me if I have dumb cards like Granite Grip, Relentless Assault, Primal Frenzy, or Angelic Renewal. I did manage to pick up some Solitary Confinements and Seedtimes for my Green-White deck.”

Discuss this article in the Magic: the Gathering Forums!