Playing female opponents can sometimes be rather tricky. I remember several years ago when women in Magic were few and far between, and those in the public light were even fewer. After making a mistake, some women would bat their eyes and sheepishly ask to take it back.

And we let them.

Some would wear short skirts and very low cut shirts in hopes of distracting male opponents.

And it worked.

These are just a couple of the many things I have witnessed women do in Magic to gain an advantage over their male opponents. Further, I have heard them verbally admit to consciously doing such things. And you know what?

It isn't fair.

While I must admit I have not played many women in Magic over the years, I would still like to give all of you some tools that may give you an edge when playing a female opponent. That said, I present to you my Top 20 Ways for Distracting Female Opponents:

20) Constantly stare at her chest.

19) Casually mention that she reminds you of your ugly psycho ex-girlfriend.

18) Ask her, in a serious tone of voice, if the sweater that you have on makes you look fat. If she says yes or is non-committal then stop talking to her and look extremely upset for the remainder of the match.

17) Ask her if she has a nervous twitch. No matter what she says, respond with, "There it is again." Her paranoia will not only distract her for the match, but for the rest of the day.

16) Frequently drop cards behind you and bend over to pick them up. Make sure you're wearing jeans with large holes and pink underwear.

15) Pretend to talk on your cell phone to your girlfriend about your sex life in explicit detail.

14) Put glue on your face and arms before the match. After it's dried, peel it off in pieces during the match. Your opponent will be thoroughly disgusted... especially if you use the glue for counters.

13) Pretend to have Tourette's Syndrome. There are few things more satisfying than calling a woman a "fucking lying manipulative ball-licking conniving backstabbing bitch cunt ass uncle-fucker."

12) At the end of each of her main phase/end steps, stand up and announce that as a fast effect, you are going to zip up your fly. Then, at the beginning of each of your turns, announce each phase: Untap, Upkeep, Unzip, and Draw... do this while you are unzipping your fly, again. Accidentally expose only one of your nuts.

11) Take a tampon that has been partially soaked in ketchup, hide it in your pants, and during a crucial moment in the match, pull it out, lay it on the table, and ask her politely if she'd allow you a minute to freshen up.

10) Constantly press and drain a big pimple on your face if you have one.

9) Whenever you play a spell or ability, or enter or leave any step or phase, announce it verbally... while singing. Intentionally sing very poorly. If you happen to be anything like me, this will come disturbingly naturally.

8) Eat an obscene amount of beans before the match and fart in her direction repeatedly.

7) Cross dress... better than her... and sluttier than her. She'll spend the remainder of the match thinking, in advance, of how to best ridicule your dress style for the rest of the day.

6) Ask to look at some of her cards in play. After she agrees, stand up and place your hands across her board while gyrating your hips and making moaning and grunting noises with your eyes closed. Afterwards, let her know that you now understand what the cards do.

5) Wear speedos or a g-string... only.

4) Pick your nose while playing and then use those boogers for counters. When your opponent needs a counter, be sure to offer her one of yours.

3) Keep score with pen and paper, but make sure that you're using one of those pens that looks like it "requires batteries."

2) Sit like Al Bundy, you know, with your hand down your pants. Each time she plays a card, take your hand out, ask to see the card (thus, allowing you to handle it), and casually toss it back such that it partially covers another one of her cards. Afterwards, lick your finger tips as though you had been leafing through some papers, and put your hand back down your pants. Eventually, all of her cards will be in a single pile since she won't want to touch them.

1) Tape a large (approximately one foot) kielbasa to your chest and lean forward so that your opponent can't see it. Whenever you make an excellent play, mention how good it felt and slowly lean back in your chair (so that the outline of the kielbasa becomes visible), and slowly stroke the kielbasa up and down continually.

Discuss this article in the Magic: the Gathering Forums!

Playing female opponents can sometimes be rather tricky. I remember several years ago when women in Magic were few and far between, and those in the public light were even fewer. After making a mistake, some women would bat their eyes and sheepishly ask to take it back.

And we let them.

Some would wear short skirts and very low cut shirts in hopes of distracting male opponents.

And it worked.

These are just a couple of the many things I have witnessed women do in Magic to gain an advantage over their male opponents. Further, I have heard them verbally admit to consciously doing such things. And you know what?

It isn't fair.

While I must admit I have not played many women in Magic over the years, I would still like to give all of you some tools that may give you an edge when playing a female opponent. That said, I present to you my Top 20 Ways for Distracting Female Opponents:

20) Constantly stare at her chest.

19) Casually mention that she reminds you of your ugly psycho ex-girlfriend.

18) Ask her, in a serious tone of voice, if the sweater that you have on makes you look fat. If she says yes or is non-committal then stop talking to her and look extremely upset for the remainder of the match.

17) Ask her if she has a nervous twitch. No matter what she says, respond with, "There it is again." Her paranoia will not only distract her for the match, but for the rest of the day.

16) Frequently drop cards behind you and bend over to pick them up. Make sure you're wearing jeans with large holes and pink underwear.

15) Pretend to talk on your cell phone to your girlfriend about your sex life in explicit detail.

14) Put glue on your face and arms before the match. After it's dried, peel it off in pieces during the match. Your opponent will be thoroughly disgusted... especially if you use the glue for counters.

13) Pretend to have Tourette's Syndrome. There are few things more satisfying than calling a woman a "fucking lying manipulative ball-licking conniving backstabbing bitch cunt ass uncle-fucker."

12) At the end of each of her main phase/end steps, stand up and announce that as a fast effect, you are going to zip up your fly. Then, at the beginning of each of your turns, announce each phase: Untap, Upkeep, Unzip, and Draw... do this while you are unzipping your fly, again. Accidentally expose only one of your nuts.

11) Take a tampon that has been partially soaked in ketchup, hide it in your pants, and during a crucial moment in the match, pull it out, lay it on the table, and ask her politely if she'd allow you a minute to freshen up.

10) Constantly press and drain a big pimple on your face if you have one.

9) Whenever you play a spell or ability, or enter or leave any step or phase, announce it verbally... while singing. Intentionally sing very poorly. If you happen to be anything like me, this will come disturbingly naturally.

8) Eat an obscene amount of beans before the match and fart in her direction repeatedly.

7) Cross dress... better than her... and sluttier than her. She'll spend the remainder of the match thinking, in advance, of how to best ridicule your dress style for the rest of the day.

6) Ask to look at some of her cards in play. After she agrees, stand up and place your hands across her board while gyrating your hips and making moaning and grunting noises with your eyes closed. Afterwards, let her know that you now understand what the cards do.

5) Wear speedos or a g-string... only.

4) Pick your nose while playing and then use those boogers for counters. When your opponent needs a counter, be sure to offer her one of yours.

3) Keep score with pen and paper, but make sure that you're using one of those pens that looks like it "requires batteries."

2) Sit like Al Bundy, you know, with your hand down your pants. Each time she plays a card, take your hand out, ask to see the card (thus, allowing you to handle it), and casually toss it back such that it partially covers another one of her cards. Afterwards, lick your finger tips as though you had been leafing through some papers, and put your hand back down your pants. Eventually, all of her cards will be in a single pile since she won't want to touch them.

1) Tape a large (approximately one foot) kielbasa to your chest and lean forward so that your opponent can't see it. Whenever you make an excellent play, mention how good it felt and slowly lean back in your chair (so that the outline of the kielbasa becomes visible), and slowly stroke the kielbasa up and down continually.

Discuss this article in the Magic: the Gathering Forums!