SARNIA, ON -- In an effort to amuse himself, mediocre Internet columnist Geordie Tait reportedly spent more than an hour of his time on Sunday evening engaged in an effort to uncover the secrets of Onslaught.

"A quick check of the MtGNews Forums made it obvious that the actual productive Orb-work had already been done," remarked Tait, who is well known to be utter shit. "Still, I wanted to get involved."

To that end, the Canadian decided to contribute to the efforts of the community by bombarding MagicTheGathering.com's "Orb Of Insight" with the most foul, off-color and profane words imaginable.

According to Tait, who was easily reached for comment due to his near-complete lack of a coherent social life, the results of the extended search were "unsatisfactory". Of course, the aspiring writer had plenty of time for an extended search because he couldn't make GP Cleveland's Day 2 despite having three byes.

"R & D has disappointed me again," said the 22-year old. "With the cards venturing further and further into the actual vernacular of competitive Magic- Mirari mentions 'the stack'- I figured that the next step would be to start printing cards like '*Nice Rip You Lucky Fucker* Angel' and 'Triple Bye Beast'. They could print a Sorcery called 'This Is Fucking Gay' that would restart any game where you had to double mulligan. That sort of thing."

Tait went on to further explain his displeasure, and was especially incensed about the lack of any card referring to non-consensual sodomy, a favorite metaphor for defeat at Magic tables the world over, casual and professional alike.

"Cycling turned up 31 matches, but I drew complete blanks on some entries I thought were surefire, like 'jailhouse-assfucking" said Tait.

Holding up a finger to denote each missed attempt, he then proceeded to run through the list.

"Ass, fuck, shit....George Carlin would have nothing to work with in Onslaught. They all registered zero instances," said Tait.

Having found no matches with all the basic profanities and politically incorrect jargon that he could muster, Tait took a break and handed the keyboard over to a friend, who likewise found himself off the mark with such hopeful hyphenations as "smegma-encrusted-wang" and "how-much-penis-can-you-fit-in-your-mouth?"

The only reasonable explanation seems to be that the set is completely devoid of swearing. When asked for comment, R & D member Randy Buehler said that the product team had good reason to keep earthy language out of Onslaught.

"The customer surveys just didn't support it," said Buehler, who once told a fellow player 'fuck you' during a high-profile draft. "We were gathering data from several geographical locations, and the only area in favor of our test card, which was a red instant called 'Shoot Muthafuckas In The Face', was Compton."

WotC employee Mark Rosewater echoed Buehler's statement, offering little hope for swearing enthusiasts.

"We can't even do swearing anagram cards, like we did with Kyscu Drake. We've got a legend in development who could easily be renamed 'Ufck Uyo, Manascrew Wizard," said Rosewater, "but Hasbro would have my nuts on a platter."

Rosewater finished by commenting, "Tell Geordie that he'll start seeing swearing cards when he's on the tour."

Discuss this article in the Magic: the Gathering Forums!

SARNIA, ON -- In an effort to amuse himself, mediocre Internet columnist Geordie Tait reportedly spent more than an hour of his time on Sunday evening engaged in an effort to uncover the secrets of Onslaught.

"A quick check of the MtGNews Forums made it obvious that the actual productive Orb-work had already been done," remarked Tait, who is well known to be utter shit. "Still, I wanted to get involved."

To that end, the Canadian decided to contribute to the efforts of the community by bombarding MagicTheGathering.com's "Orb Of Insight" with the most foul, off-color and profane words imaginable.

According to Tait, who was easily reached for comment due to his near-complete lack of a coherent social life, the results of the extended search were "unsatisfactory". Of course, the aspiring writer had plenty of time for an extended search because he couldn't make GP Cleveland's Day 2 despite having three byes.

"R & D has disappointed me again," said the 22-year old. "With the cards venturing further and further into the actual vernacular of competitive Magic- Mirari mentions 'the stack'- I figured that the next step would be to start printing cards like '*Nice Rip You Lucky Fucker* Angel' and 'Triple Bye Beast'. They could print a Sorcery called 'This Is Fucking Gay' that would restart any game where you had to double mulligan. That sort of thing."

Tait went on to further explain his displeasure, and was especially incensed about the lack of any card referring to non-consensual sodomy, a favorite metaphor for defeat at Magic tables the world over, casual and professional alike.

"Cycling turned up 31 matches, but I drew complete blanks on some entries I thought were surefire, like 'jailhouse-assfucking" said Tait.

Holding up a finger to denote each missed attempt, he then proceeded to run through the list.

"Ass, fuck, shit....George Carlin would have nothing to work with in Onslaught. They all registered zero instances," said Tait.

Having found no matches with all the basic profanities and politically incorrect jargon that he could muster, Tait took a break and handed the keyboard over to a friend, who likewise found himself off the mark with such hopeful hyphenations as "smegma-encrusted-wang" and "how-much-penis-can-you-fit-in-your-mouth?"

The only reasonable explanation seems to be that the set is completely devoid of swearing. When asked for comment, R & D member Randy Buehler said that the product team had good reason to keep earthy language out of Onslaught.

"The customer surveys just didn't support it," said Buehler, who once told a fellow player 'fuck you' during a high-profile draft. "We were gathering data from several geographical locations, and the only area in favor of our test card, which was a red instant called 'Shoot Muthafuckas In The Face', was Compton."

WotC employee Mark Rosewater echoed Buehler's statement, offering little hope for swearing enthusiasts.

"We can't even do swearing anagram cards, like we did with Kyscu Drake. We've got a legend in development who could easily be renamed 'Ufck Uyo, Manascrew Wizard," said Rosewater, "but Hasbro would have my nuts on a platter."

Rosewater finished by commenting, "Tell Geordie that he'll start seeing swearing cards when he's on the tour."

Discuss this article in the Magic: the Gathering Forums!