ROCKLAND, PA -- Mike Welsh, a 14 year old player of Magic: The Gathering has, after a slow descent into madness, hit rock bottom. Mike has been playing this game for a little more than three years, and is rated a respectable 27th in Rockland, Pennsylvania, at 1723. We follow him on an average day through Rockland Junior High as we see proof of his depressing state of mind.

Welsh, like any other boy, woke up on October 3, ready to begin his day. Since most Magic players don't take showers, neither does he. "It must be one of Zvi's savage technologies," says Josh.

For nutrition, Josh decides on having two eggs with some stale Dr. Pepper, the "breakfast of Talruum Champions," the poor excuse for a human exclaims. However, a problem arises. As Josh peeks into the refrigerator, he realizes that a single egg lies on the shelf. "No matter," he scoffs, and retrieves a Magic card from his room. He places the card, a Mirari, next to the pan, cracks the egg over the sizzling skillet, and calmly says "Egg, fork it." As the egg plops onto the pan with a fragment of white shell, nothing happens. He then realizes he made an error. "I have to declare that I am adding a copy to the stack before I crack the egg. I deserve only one egg."

After the boy finishes his meager meal, he hops on the bus and begins the road to a day of school. In his first period, Science, the class visits the school library to see three very expensive urns Rockland Junior was borrowing from a local museum. Luckily, Mike brought a clay pot from his home. He whips out another Magic card, a blue one, and says "Tinker, sac my clay pot." As he smashes the the cheap family relic his teacher asks him what he is doing. "Now I get to search this library for an artifact. That is, unless you have a response... A puzzled look appears on Mrs. Wontan's face. "No? Then I get that urn." He then proceeds to grab the most expensive urn and dash out of the library.

When Welsh is released from the principal's office, he goes to the cafeteria to purchase lunch. "Peas or carrots?" the lunch lady, Wanda Hackenbush, asks. "No time to eat. Wanna moneydraft?" replies Mike. Twenty minutes later, after arguing with Wanda about how "it's only twenty bucks" and getting no lunch, Mike proceeds to math.

A face-down graded math test lies on Mike's desk when he sits down for class. "MIZE!!!" he screams at the top of his lungs, bangs his knuckles on the sheet of paper, and flips the test over. "An 83? The teacher must have counted life totals wrong, but I won't argue, I already have one passing test grade, and this one means I win the match. Savage!"

Much later, in his final class of the day, Mike is forced to read out of his Science book to the entire class. "Endangered species live with very few kin," he recites, "and their life goes with great misery." After another 27 minutes, Mike made his way out of the room and to the buses.

When Josh got home, he was tired, and had a lot of homework to not do. He decided to watch reruns of "Golden Girls" until he was tired enough to retire to his quarters. Before we left him however, he added the comment "Damn, I wish I were an endangered species. Just sitting there, mising all day against non endangered animals. How bad ass. I'd be the Kai of Koalas."

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ROCKLAND, PA -- Mike Welsh, a 14 year old player of Magic: The Gathering has, after a slow descent into madness, hit rock bottom. Mike has been playing this game for a little more than three years, and is rated a respectable 27th in Rockland, Pennsylvania, at 1723. We follow him on an average day through Rockland Junior High as we see proof of his depressing state of mind.

Welsh, like any other boy, woke up on October 3, ready to begin his day. Since most Magic players don't take showers, neither does he. "It must be one of Zvi's savage technologies," says Josh.

For nutrition, Josh decides on having two eggs with some stale Dr. Pepper, the "breakfast of Talruum Champions," the poor excuse for a human exclaims. However, a problem arises. As Josh peeks into the refrigerator, he realizes that a single egg lies on the shelf. "No matter," he scoffs, and retrieves a Magic card from his room. He places the card, a Mirari, next to the pan, cracks the egg over the sizzling skillet, and calmly says "Egg, fork it." As the egg plops onto the pan with a fragment of white shell, nothing happens. He then realizes he made an error. "I have to declare that I am adding a copy to the stack before I crack the egg. I deserve only one egg."

After the boy finishes his meager meal, he hops on the bus and begins the road to a day of school. In his first period, Science, the class visits the school library to see three very expensive urns Rockland Junior was borrowing from a local museum. Luckily, Mike brought a clay pot from his home. He whips out another Magic card, a blue one, and says "Tinker, sac my clay pot." As he smashes the the cheap family relic his teacher asks him what he is doing. "Now I get to search this library for an artifact. That is, unless you have a response... A puzzled look appears on Mrs. Wontan's face. "No? Then I get that urn." He then proceeds to grab the most expensive urn and dash out of the library.

When Welsh is released from the principal's office, he goes to the cafeteria to purchase lunch. "Peas or carrots?" the lunch lady, Wanda Hackenbush, asks. "No time to eat. Wanna moneydraft?" replies Mike. Twenty minutes later, after arguing with Wanda about how "it's only twenty bucks" and getting no lunch, Mike proceeds to math.

A face-down graded math test lies on Mike's desk when he sits down for class. "MIZE!!!" he screams at the top of his lungs, bangs his knuckles on the sheet of paper, and flips the test over. "An 83? The teacher must have counted life totals wrong, but I won't argue, I already have one passing test grade, and this one means I win the match. Savage!"

Much later, in his final class of the day, Mike is forced to read out of his Science book to the entire class. "Endangered species live with very few kin," he recites, "and their life goes with great misery." After another 27 minutes, Mike made his way out of the room and to the buses.

When Josh got home, he was tired, and had a lot of homework to not do. He decided to watch reruns of "Golden Girls" until he was tired enough to retire to his quarters. Before we left him however, he added the comment "Damn, I wish I were an endangered species. Just sitting there, mising all day against non endangered animals. How bad ass. I'd be the Kai of Koalas."

Discuss this article in the Magic: the Gathering Forums!