The extended Pro Tour:Houston, held November 8-10 at Reliant Stadium in Houston, Texas, has inspired Mages to write pages upon pages of articles. Deckbuilding experts have only just begun analyzing the decks, discerning weak points, strengths, and trends. Congratulations for Justin Gary, and the other members of the Top 8, are still rolling in. During all this, Wizards of the Coast has hyped the success of Team YMG in the tournament to no end. In its quixotic attempts to give Magic a historical base on which to draw from, Sideboard writers have gone completely overboard in praising the performance of Gary and others. Despite the company's attempts to become more "in touch" with its client base, there's one thing that WotC has failed to realize: WE FUCKING GET IT ALREADY!

Proving that there is more than one way to skin a cat, Sideboard writers have published an astonishing 427 statistics which prove that YMG had a very successful tournament. A favorite among Magic scribes is, "YMG members lost 0 Top-8 games to non-YMG members." Another is "3 members of YMG (Gary, Rob Dougherty, and Darwin Kastle) made the top 8." Finally, rounding out the triumvirate of overblown factoids is, "The 3 YMG members in the top 8 played 3 different decks." But for all the statistical analysis in the world, there's one concept that cannot be discerned: WE AREN'T RETARDS. WE UNDERSTAND.

Many Mages were willing to allow for a little day-of information gathering, including the tournament recap and associated articles. However, in the days following the Tour, "well-known" Magic "writers" such as Joe Wise and Alex Shvartsman also pointed out the same mind-numbing facts that even comatose Aborigines in the Australian outback have already had drilled into their skulls. For a few people (such as Arctic Circle ice fisherman Hans Svend Nordegaard, and two members of the latest BioSphere project in the Arizona desert), the articles were enlightening and touched on new subject matter. However, for the remaining 6-odd billion residents of the planet Earth, they transcended mere annoyance, and delved headlong into the realm of exasperation. A common sentiment is as follows: "IF I HEAR ONE MORE PERSON SAY THAT YMG DOMINATED THE PRO TOUR, I WILL VOLUNTEER FOR A LOBOTOMY."

In the last 2 years, Magic has seen a revolution in force-feeding minutiae to the masses. It would be impossible to deny the dominance of Kai Budde, even without the slew of Kai-praising articles featured online today. Prior to this period, however, avid gamers had to make their own assessments of performances. Although this might seem a tall task, Magic players correctly noted the success of Team Jumble in Pro Tour: New York 1999 (3 members in the Top 8) and identified Mark Justice, Paul McCabe, Jon Finkel, and others as "Best Player in the World." As it turns out, not only Sideboard writers have been granted the dual gifts of reason and logical thought processes. As such, people are able to make informed decisions on their own. Yet, unimpeded by this information, Wizards continues to belittle us. The truth of the matter is, DID YOU SAY JUSTIN GARY? OK, I'M INSERTING THE SHOTGUN INTO MY MOUTH AS WE SPEAK.

The current system, as it stands, is in need of a Communist revolution. While the next Grand Prix or Pro Tour-level event is only a weekend away, the Top 8 spots would be divided evenly among representative teams or groups. Furthermore, under the system no player could make any top 8 more than once in two calendar years. This way, our valuable time wouldn't be wasted by such keen insights as, "Player X has won several tournaments in a row. This may be news to you, but he's on a hot streak!" Until that happens, IF YOU SAY COGNIVORE ONE MORE TIME, I'M GOING TO JUMP.

Discuss this article in the Magic: the Gathering Forums!

The extended Pro Tour:Houston, held November 8-10 at Reliant Stadium in Houston, Texas, has inspired Mages to write pages upon pages of articles. Deckbuilding experts have only just begun analyzing the decks, discerning weak points, strengths, and trends. Congratulations for Justin Gary, and the other members of the Top 8, are still rolling in. During all this, Wizards of the Coast has hyped the success of Team YMG in the tournament to no end. In its quixotic attempts to give Magic a historical base on which to draw from, Sideboard writers have gone completely overboard in praising the performance of Gary and others. Despite the company's attempts to become more "in touch" with its client base, there's one thing that WotC has failed to realize: WE FUCKING GET IT ALREADY!

Proving that there is more than one way to skin a cat, Sideboard writers have published an astonishing 427 statistics which prove that YMG had a very successful tournament. A favorite among Magic scribes is, "YMG members lost 0 Top-8 games to non-YMG members." Another is "3 members of YMG (Gary, Rob Dougherty, and Darwin Kastle) made the top 8." Finally, rounding out the triumvirate of overblown factoids is, "The 3 YMG members in the top 8 played 3 different decks." But for all the statistical analysis in the world, there's one concept that cannot be discerned: WE AREN'T RETARDS. WE UNDERSTAND.

Many Mages were willing to allow for a little day-of information gathering, including the tournament recap and associated articles. However, in the days following the Tour, "well-known" Magic "writers" such as Joe Wise and Alex Shvartsman also pointed out the same mind-numbing facts that even comatose Aborigines in the Australian outback have already had drilled into their skulls. For a few people (such as Arctic Circle ice fisherman Hans Svend Nordegaard, and two members of the latest BioSphere project in the Arizona desert), the articles were enlightening and touched on new subject matter. However, for the remaining 6-odd billion residents of the planet Earth, they transcended mere annoyance, and delved headlong into the realm of exasperation. A common sentiment is as follows: "IF I HEAR ONE MORE PERSON SAY THAT YMG DOMINATED THE PRO TOUR, I WILL VOLUNTEER FOR A LOBOTOMY."

In the last 2 years, Magic has seen a revolution in force-feeding minutiae to the masses. It would be impossible to deny the dominance of Kai Budde, even without the slew of Kai-praising articles featured online today. Prior to this period, however, avid gamers had to make their own assessments of performances. Although this might seem a tall task, Magic players correctly noted the success of Team Jumble in Pro Tour: New York 1999 (3 members in the Top 8) and identified Mark Justice, Paul McCabe, Jon Finkel, and others as "Best Player in the World." As it turns out, not only Sideboard writers have been granted the dual gifts of reason and logical thought processes. As such, people are able to make informed decisions on their own. Yet, unimpeded by this information, Wizards continues to belittle us. The truth of the matter is, DID YOU SAY JUSTIN GARY? OK, I'M INSERTING THE SHOTGUN INTO MY MOUTH AS WE SPEAK.

The current system, as it stands, is in need of a Communist revolution. While the next Grand Prix or Pro Tour-level event is only a weekend away, the Top 8 spots would be divided evenly among representative teams or groups. Furthermore, under the system no player could make any top 8 more than once in two calendar years. This way, our valuable time wouldn't be wasted by such keen insights as, "Player X has won several tournaments in a row. This may be news to you, but he's on a hot streak!" Until that happens, IF YOU SAY COGNIVORE ONE MORE TIME, I'M GOING TO JUMP.

Discuss this article in the Magic: the Gathering Forums!