An Editorial by Reverend Bob the Junkie.

Lately there’s been a seemingly unstoppable flow of stupidity spilling forth and washing away any foundation of cohesive thought. I’m going to try and staunch that flow. For now, I focus on a vermin that infests everything intelligent about our addictive game.

Strategy Column Writers.

Oh, those wonderful column writers. If I had a dime for every one of these dolts who takes it upon himself to bolster his self-esteem by torturing all of you little suckers with his ignorant drivel that can be successfully meta-gamed by a fucking pre-con, I’d be able to buy the rights to this fucking game and reprint the black-bordered cards I can’t fucking afford (or at the very least a case of beer and a French Quarter hooker). Where do some of these dooshbags get the idea that they are talented enough to write columns on M:TG strategy? Do these guys wake up one day and look in the mirror while wishing for their first chin-hair and suddenly realize that even without a real Pro-Tour win they can still pretend to know what the fuck they are talking about?

I have a personal requirement for reading any magic-related strategy article. If the strategy article isn’t written by someone who WINS publicly, often, and brutally; I don’t fucking read it. You know why?

BECAUSE THEY FUCKING LOSE.

That’s why they are writing M:TG strategy columns instead of spending money & chasing bitches; BECAUSE THEY LOSE. If any of you M:TG website editors had any real balls or smarts, you would make ABSOLUTELY SURE that every time you posted an article from one of your authors, their CURRENT DCI RATINGS would be posted RIGHT UNDER THEIR NAME (not their DCI number, their CURRENT RATINGS). Not only would that lend your mostly-shit websites some credibility, but it would give all the poor sheep out there some ammunition for when it comes time to ridicule those fucksticks into obscurity. OK, well, it gives ME ammunition. But you can’t deny the plausibility of posting the credentials of a strategy author so people will REALLY know what the fuck they are reading.

And that goes for the website of the Great Satan as well. You all know who I’m talking about. That one website run by the folks who make our drugs... errr... cards. The one with the editor who likes to come down and slop with the hogs now and then. Let’s see some credentials, oh taker-of-our-money. Don’t publish some twit’s scribblings and expect me to know who they are. Who the hell is that single-card guy? What makes him an authority on “single-card-strategy?” Fuck that. What’s his rating? Uh-huh... Just because I’m not Emeril Lagasse DOESN'T MEAN I don’t know when someone is feeding me shit.

There are very few people willing to share their tech anymore. This crop of self-proclaimed strategy writers sucks the fat frog’s ass. You want real tech? Talk & playtest frequently with your playgroup. Look at the top-16 deck postings from the more popular events (think NeutralGround.com). THAT is some savage, free tech. Especially if those same people WHO WIN do some good tournament reports. That’s what gets you REAL strategy and insight: EXPERIENCE, RESEARCH, and PRACTICE. Everything else is semantics.

Next month, I’ll write about whatever is pissing me off at the time. And I’ll probably be drunk. Good times.

Nathan “Rev. Bob the Junkie” Woodall
BobtheJunky@hotmail.com

P.S.- Fuck all you nitpicking spellcheckers. I spell douche as doosh because it reads funnier. I may be a ranting asshole, but I know how to write. Kiss my Cajun ass.

P.P.S.- This wasn’t a strategy article, so I didn’t post my own ratings. I don’t care if you disagree. Look them up yourself if you are really that perturbed. I hope your next 8-ball is cut with lye and you get a nose-full.

Discuss this article in the Magic: the Gathering Forums!

An Editorial by Reverend Bob the Junkie.

Lately there’s been a seemingly unstoppable flow of stupidity spilling forth and washing away any foundation of cohesive thought. I’m going to try and staunch that flow. For now, I focus on a vermin that infests everything intelligent about our addictive game.

Strategy Column Writers.

Oh, those wonderful column writers. If I had a dime for every one of these dolts who takes it upon himself to bolster his self-esteem by torturing all of you little suckers with his ignorant drivel that can be successfully meta-gamed by a fucking pre-con, I’d be able to buy the rights to this fucking game and reprint the black-bordered cards I can’t fucking afford (or at the very least a case of beer and a French Quarter hooker). Where do some of these dooshbags get the idea that they are talented enough to write columns on M:TG strategy? Do these guys wake up one day and look in the mirror while wishing for their first chin-hair and suddenly realize that even without a real Pro-Tour win they can still pretend to know what the fuck they are talking about?

I have a personal requirement for reading any magic-related strategy article. If the strategy article isn’t written by someone who WINS publicly, often, and brutally; I don’t fucking read it. You know why?

BECAUSE THEY FUCKING LOSE.

That’s why they are writing M:TG strategy columns instead of spending money & chasing bitches; BECAUSE THEY LOSE. If any of you M:TG website editors had any real balls or smarts, you would make ABSOLUTELY SURE that every time you posted an article from one of your authors, their CURRENT DCI RATINGS would be posted RIGHT UNDER THEIR NAME (not their DCI number, their CURRENT RATINGS). Not only would that lend your mostly-shit websites some credibility, but it would give all the poor sheep out there some ammunition for when it comes time to ridicule those fucksticks into obscurity. OK, well, it gives ME ammunition. But you can’t deny the plausibility of posting the credentials of a strategy author so people will REALLY know what the fuck they are reading.

And that goes for the website of the Great Satan as well. You all know who I’m talking about. That one website run by the folks who make our drugs... errr... cards. The one with the editor who likes to come down and slop with the hogs now and then. Let’s see some credentials, oh taker-of-our-money. Don’t publish some twit’s scribblings and expect me to know who they are. Who the hell is that single-card guy? What makes him an authority on “single-card-strategy?” Fuck that. What’s his rating? Uh-huh... Just because I’m not Emeril Lagasse DOESN'T MEAN I don’t know when someone is feeding me shit.

There are very few people willing to share their tech anymore. This crop of self-proclaimed strategy writers sucks the fat frog’s ass. You want real tech? Talk & playtest frequently with your playgroup. Look at the top-16 deck postings from the more popular events (think NeutralGround.com). THAT is some savage, free tech. Especially if those same people WHO WIN do some good tournament reports. That’s what gets you REAL strategy and insight: EXPERIENCE, RESEARCH, and PRACTICE. Everything else is semantics.

Next month, I’ll write about whatever is pissing me off at the time. And I’ll probably be drunk. Good times.

Nathan “Rev. Bob the Junkie” Woodall
BobtheJunky@hotmail.com

P.S.- Fuck all you nitpicking spellcheckers. I spell douche as doosh because it reads funnier. I may be a ranting asshole, but I know how to write. Kiss my Cajun ass.

P.P.S.- This wasn’t a strategy article, so I didn’t post my own ratings. I don’t care if you disagree. Look them up yourself if you are really that perturbed. I hope your next 8-ball is cut with lye and you get a nose-full.

Discuss this article in the Magic: the Gathering Forums!