Many people have noted how MiseTings has really gone to the shits din recent months, and I am not in any way inclined to disagree with them. However, while I was reading the string of embarrassingly awful articles from the so-called "8th Edition Week" and wondering why anyone still reads this site at all, I came across the article "Coming Soon to MiseTings" by Pugg Fuggly. While Mr. Fuggly's article was a refreshing change of pace from the absolute shit of the past few weeks, it occurred to me that here is the first set of articles that actually might not suck, and yet only the headlines will ever get written. Something about this just seemed inherently wrong to me, so I decided to dust off the old keyboard and whip up the articles myself. With apologies to Mr. Fuggly if I ruined your artistic vision, here then is 15 articles for the price of one, Now Here at MiseTings:

8th Edition Facelift Sucks

The radical revamping of the card fronts set to begin with 8th Edition totally sucks, it was learned Thursday. The changes, which were announced at Pro Tour: Chicago, were met with universal criticism from the game's customers, whose expressions of displeasure have dominated Magic websites and message boards since the announcement.

In minor news, the Pro Tour (short for Professional Tour) was held in the city of Chicago, with several hundred talented and intelligent players engaging in intense, skilled competition for prizes. The tournament was won by German Kai Budde, who used intellect and reasoning to defeat his opponents with meticulous play. An explanation of the Pro Tour using words with fewer syllables may be found at specialbus.com, along with several additional reviews of the 8th Edition facelift.

Budde Gives Birth, Baby Kai Wins Junior Super Series

After his plans to claim the JSS title failed to come to fruition, PT Chicago champion Kai Budde announced that his newborn son has won the Junior Super Series challenge in his area. The three-month-old, diaper-clad Kai Jr., whom Budde gave birth to after a five-month pregnancy that doctors described as "abnormal," secured a spot at the JSS Championships by tearing through a local Challenge, losing only 1 game due to marked cards covered with drool and spittle. The win also secured a $1,000 scholarship, which should prove crucial in helping Mr. Budde fund his son's education.

The announcement has caused much confusion and speculation, although Mr. Budde addressed one of the more pressing issues by confirming that he himself had carried the child throughout its gestation period until its live birth late last year. While the announcement does clear up some mysteries, such as the artwork of Voidmage Prodigy, other pressing questions such as the identity of the father remain unanswered. While Budde has remained silent on the issue, investigators have confirmed that the child was conceived sometime last May, around the time of PT Nice. Bram Snepvangers was unavailable for comment.

From the Rumor Mill: Scourge to be All Land

A reliable source from the MTGnews.com rumor mill has confirmed that the next expansion in the Onslaught block, Scourge, will consist entirely of land cards, it was learned yesterday. The source, who reportedly works in the Wizards R&D department, offered the following tidbits regarding the development:

"The story behind the Scourge theme really began with one mechanic: mistform. We had this really cool idea for a mistform land that could change its type just like its Onslaught creature counterparts. With Legions already set to be the creature set, it was a small step from there to conclude that Scourge should be the land set. We've got this cycle of lands including Mistform Island, Mistform Forest, and Mistform Mountain, that change to the basic land type of your choice for one mana. We all agreed that it would be a perfect way to introduce the new land subtypes that are going to be in 8th Edition." The aforementioned cycle also includes two other mysterious "Mistform" lands, the names of which the source was not at liberty to divulge as of press time.

Further confirming the source's credibility was the supply of yet another Scourge preview card. The card, Forgotten Ancient, is the first of a new type of land that has a mana cost, color, power and toughness, and creature type. These exciting new "land creatures" are expected to spearhead the Scourge promotional campaign.

Exclusive Interview with Randy Buehler: "See, This is my Elbow, This is my Ass"

In an exclusive interview with MiseTings, Randy Buehler addressed many of the Magic community's leading concerns, in particular the controversial changing of the card faces slated to take place in 8th Edition. While Buehler was receptive to all manner of questions, Buehler's responses were very confident and consistent, revolving around the theme of "this is my elbow, this is my ass."

Buehler was patient yet firm as he fielded numerous questions submitted by the readership of "forum" sites such as MiseTings and magicthegathering.com. "First off, lets get a couple things straight," said Buehler in response to a question as to why the Magic community was not consulted before the drastic change was decided upon. "See this, this here is my elbow, and this is my big white ass. If you can't tell the difference, well then I guess you'll just have to kiss them both. And no, we are not going to change our minds about the card layouts."

After the interview, Wizards of the Coast representative Jeff Donais made an unexpected visit to read the latest press announcement regarding Wizards' policy on player input. "Now anybody who knows Donais, knows I'm about fast cars and Alize, partyin' all day/ but I handled my business cuz its work before play, don't look for trouble, but I'll serve you gourmet/ however you want it, you can have it your way, you fuck my night up, i'ma fuck up your day/ a bullet wit' your name, sendin' it your way, that go for anyone who walk through that doorway/ cause this is my space, you invade it, live to regret it, then you'll die tryin' to violate it/ fuck around get annihilated, eyes dialated," to which Buehler added, "heh, like my old lady."

Iraq Does Something That Sounds Like Something You Can Do in Magic

The embattled nation of Iraq, led by Saddam Hussein, recently engaged in military activity that sounded pretty close to something you can do in a game of Magic.

In response to these events, President Bush called an emergency press conference to urge calm among MiseTings writers. "To people such as Arc, dbuel, netrunner27, and Durban, I say, please try to control yourselves during these times of crisis and rising national tension, and refrain from writing another tired-ass political article. There has already been enough suffering."

In spite of the President's pleas, it is expected that at least one such article will be submitted to MiseTings within the next week. The article is then expected to be praised as the Best Article Ever, after which an estimated twelve to fifteen more readers will remove MiseTings from their favorites list.

Ben Bleiweiss Files Income Tax in Forty Parts, Suspiciously Rounds Up

Magic player and writer extraordinaire Ben Bleiweiss recently raised eyebrows again, when he filed his federal Income Tax report in forty parts. The figures reportedly contained a generous amount of rounding up, which caught the attention of the IRS and resulted in a preliminary audit investigation.

While the full report was not released as of press time, an internal IRS agent had the following to say: "While filing in forty parts in certainly unusual, it is in fact not uncommon among pitiful, nerdy losers who are withering away in their parents' basements for lack of attention. Thus, we were annoyed but not surprised that Mr. Bleiweiss would do this, as he hasn't had his name in the headlines for a couple weeks and he is no doubt nearing the expiration date on his antidepressants prescription. What really caught our eye, though, was some of these suspicious figures that he reported for his earnings. We have investigated some of his "freelance writings," and we must conclude that he is up to something shady, as we cannot believe that anyone would actually pay Mr. Bleiweiss to write that sh*t."

Single Card Strategy: Fugitive Wizard

Bennie Smith, Magic nobody and author of the Single Card Strategy series on magicthegathering.com, announced recently that his next installment will focus on a popular Legions common, Fugitive Wizard. Smith, who has nearly tripled the readership of his column to almost 30 readers in just five weeks, offered the following preview of his upcoming article:

"The key to Fugitive Wizard comes down to one word: versatility. Say, for example, you had a Patron Wizard deck. Why, you could tap your Fugitive Wizard to counter a spell even though the ability isn't even on the text of the Wizard! Furthermore, the applications of Fugitive Wizard in Mental Magic are almost limitless, not to mention the synergy with Ghosthelm Courier and Nameless One." Smith also noted that the Wizard makes an excellent target for Lavamancer's Skill, and that three Fugitive Wizards stacked just so can make a durable coaster suitable for any number of hot beverages.

Phage Touched

Legendary minion Phage the Untouchable was visibly moved last week while watching the NBC television drama American Dreams, it was learned yesterday. When asked for comment, the normally reserved Phage was gushing over with emotions to the point of tears, witnesses reported. "This show, it is just so amazing," Phage told reporters. "Watching likable 15-year-old daughter Meg (Brittany Snow, "Guiding Light") as she strains against her 'good girl' image and yearns to embrace the mores of her more experienced teenage friend, Roxanne (Vanessa Lengies, "Popular Mechanics for Kids") as they achieve their goal of becoming dancer's on Dick Clark's locally produced 'American Bandstand,' well frankly I don't think I've ever been so touched. My brother Kamahl and I used to watch it every Sunday as a family."

This is not the first time that Phage has found herself being unexpectedly touched in recent weeks. Last Friday, 43-year-old gamer and acknowledged pervert Ryan Silman was seen fondling his copy of Phage the Untouchable at a local card shop. After stroking the card gently for several minutes, he then returned the card to his trade binder and resumed his normal practice of hungrily eying the little boys purchasing Digimon cards at the cash register.

Ask Dr. Rules: "Can I Twiddle my Spitting Gourna?"

Dear Dr. Rules,

My brother and I were playing a game of Magic when he attacked me with his Serra Angel. Since I didn't have anything else to do, I decided to Twiddle my Spitting Gourna. However, as soon as I did, my brother got very upset and told me that I couldn't do that ever again. Was what I did ok?

-Concerned in Columbus

Dear Concerned,

It is true that in many environments, Twiddling your Spitting Gourna is unacceptable. I guess the real issue is how casual you are with your brother. For example, if you were among Type 1 players, who are generally older, single, lonely men, then your actions would be perfectly acceptable, even normal, and you could Twiddle away your Spitter all day long.

Have a question for Dr. Rules? Email it to admin@misetings.com

27 Idiots Review Legions

A coalition of 27 MiseTings forum regulars has been commissioned to review the most recent Magic expansion, Legions, it was announced this week. The joint review, funded by an anonymous benefactor as part of the "Prove Cavedan Right Without Even Realizing It" project, is already being mentioned in inside circles as a contender for Best Comedy Article of 2003.

The main body of the project will consist of the assorted idiots doing their best to analyze the merits of the individual cards in Legions for purposes of both constructed and limited. Time will also be allotted for the more ambitious morons to explain their overall draft strategies.

Already the Magic community is excited about the prospects for this monumental piece of literature. Occasional MiseTings contributor cavedan was kind enough to explain the motivation behind the project in greater detail. "Every time a new set is released, there is invariably a torrent of atrocious reviews from nobodies who think they have something worthwhile to say about Magic. These reviews, ranging from individual card rants on message boards to full-scale Peripheral Visionary columns on mtgnews.com, are inevitably some of the most god-awful pieces of strategy writing you will ever have the misfortune to read. It only makes sense, then, to harness the incredibly broad pool of stupidity that is the MiseTings forums, thereby getting all the hilarious incompetence of all the Legions reviews packed into one site." Cavedan also noted the irony in how all of the aforementioned forum regulars chuckled and nodded knowingly upon reading the initial headline "27 Idiots Review Legions" last week.

Assisting the 27 chosen dumbasses will be the forums of mtgnews.com and magicthegathering.com, as well as Joshua Claytor, Gary Wise, and selected members of the Midland, TX special school 2nd grade remedial class. All contributors will be rewarded for their efforts with a foil Voice of the Woods which the writers described as "So shiny."

Gang of Rabid Monkeys Overthrows Wizards, Old Monkey Employees Pissed

In an unexpected development, a gang of feral monkeys has seized control of the Wizards of the Coast headquarters, it was learned Thursday. The rabid primates achieved the coup by defeating the previous administration of monkeys in hand to hand combat, and are expected to assume the old monkeys' responsibilities of card development and design.

Many of the old monkey employees expressed anger and disappointment that they will no longer be able to produce new card sets for the best-selling game. "Ooh ooh eh ee ooh!" fumed one disappointed simian, watching as one of the new monkey leaders threw its feces at the color pie and jumped wildly around the room to divine the abilities of a new creature card for "Bacon." Added the monkey, "Eee! Eiee! Ooo oo ee ability pie oo ooh."

It is unknown whether the old monkey employees will still be able to participate in the design process that has been their arena for so many years. While the takeover marks one of the most dramatic changes in Wizards of the Coast history, most analysts have conceded that the upcoming card sets, and by extension the millions of Magic players worldwide, will be largely unaffected.

Legions Card Preview: Akroma, Angel of Masturbation

One of the most hotly anticipated cards from the new set is without a doubt Akroma, the vengeful angel created by the wizard Ixidor who is at the center of the Onslaught storyline. With her war with Phage being the centerpiece of the Legions story, the white legend is finally receiving her own Magic card: Akroma, Angel of Masturbation.

Akroma is already one of the most popular and sought-after rares in the set, particularly by single, pathetic male gamers between the ages of 13 and 45 (or "gamers" for short). In addition to being packed with game-dominating abilities, Akroma is also well-designed for uses outside of the game, with a mostly white border that obscures most stains. All this combines to make Akroma one of Legions' premier rares, with the prerelease already seeing hundreds of gamers trading and petting heavily for the angel.

Players of all ages have been eager to offer their thoughts on the merits of the new card. "Mmm. unnngh. Akroma baby, oh yeah." commented 15-year-old Dwight Meyer, sweating and breathing heavily while looking at an Akroma in another player's trade binder at a recent FNM. When asked if he was interested in trading for the angel, Meyer hastily replied, "Uhh!... unggh. mmm. unnggGH - No, I'm done" moments before excusing himself to go find a towel.

Rosewater Fucks Self

Bowing to increasing pressure from fans and customers, Wizards of the Coast R&D leader Mark Rosewater finally gave in and fucked himself. The acrobatically challenging maneuver is expected to placate the thousands of angry customers who have been venting their disappointment about recent developments in the Magic universe, most notably the announcement of 8th Edition

"Well, I guess that settles that," said gamer Chris Larpenter, a frequent poster on the magicthegathering.com message boards and one of the more vocal critics of the card face redesign. "I made myself very clear: either they change their minds and keep the card faces the same, or Mark Rosewater can go fuck himself. I guess I've got nothing left to complain about anymore." Larpenter then shrugged and preordered four boxes of 8th Edition boosters.

Given the apparent effectiveness of the maneuver, fellow R&D member Randy Buehler is reportedly also considering acquiescing to the numerous requests for him to give it to himself in the ass. While there is no word yet as to whether this second self-fucking is to take place, several witnesses have reported seeing Buehler renting flexibility improvement videos and taking up beginning yoga classes.

8th Edition Facelift Good

The radical revamping of the card fronts set to begin with 8th Edition is pretty cool, it was learned Tuesday. One of the many fans of the new design, 16-year-old Tom Shackett, had the following to say about the changes: "These new cards are pretty cool. I really like this Blood Moon especially." Shackett then excused himself to try to trade for one of the new and improved foils.

No one is happier about the acceptance of the new design than Josh Bennett, author of the much-talked-about "Introducing 8th Edition" article on sideboard.com. Regarding his current employ as a Wizards of the Coast public relations bitch, Bennett announced that he is "happy as hell" with his current job and "plans to take it for a long, long time."

Doug Beyer Informed "Deep Analysis" Not an Avatar Option

Flavor text writer Doug Beyer was disappointed to learn that the Torment card Deep Analysis was not an option for his Wizards of the Coast Invitational avatar submission, sources reported.

"I had initially wanted an image of a digital me scribing the flavor text onto the card with a quill pen, like Shakespeare used," Beyer explained. "After they said they wouldn't do that, I settled for just having Deep Analysis be my submission. But then they told me that the avatar would just have some cephalids, instead of the whole card with the flavor text highlighted in gold like I wanted, so I thought 'What's the point?' I should take this time to mention that I also wrote the text on Werebear, by the way." Beyer eventually settled on the Fallen Empires common Thallid, as it reminded him of his favorite houseplant and only friend Bert the Azalea Bonsai.

Longest Article Ever Written

In an unexpected move, cavedan returned to MiseTings with the longest article ever written on MiseTings. Weighing in at over 3,720 pages and 12.3 million words, the article, which took over three and a half years to write, took an average article from occasional writer Pugg Fuggly and made it longer. Readers are encouraged to discuss this article in the MiseTings forums, with the understanding that they will be silently judged based on whatever they post.

-cavedan

Discuss this article in the Magic: the Gathering Forums!

Many people have noted how MiseTings has really gone to the shits din recent months, and I am not in any way inclined to disagree with them. However, while I was reading the string of embarrassingly awful articles from the so-called "8th Edition Week" and wondering why anyone still reads this site at all, I came across the article "Coming Soon to MiseTings" by Pugg Fuggly. While Mr. Fuggly's article was a refreshing change of pace from the absolute shit of the past few weeks, it occurred to me that here is the first set of articles that actually might not suck, and yet only the headlines will ever get written. Something about this just seemed inherently wrong to me, so I decided to dust off the old keyboard and whip up the articles myself. With apologies to Mr. Fuggly if I ruined your artistic vision, here then is 15 articles for the price of one, Now Here at MiseTings:

8th Edition Facelift Sucks

The radical revamping of the card fronts set to begin with 8th Edition totally sucks, it was learned Thursday. The changes, which were announced at Pro Tour: Chicago, were met with universal criticism from the game's customers, whose expressions of displeasure have dominated Magic websites and message boards since the announcement.

In minor news, the Pro Tour (short for Professional Tour) was held in the city of Chicago, with several hundred talented and intelligent players engaging in intense, skilled competition for prizes. The tournament was won by German Kai Budde, who used intellect and reasoning to defeat his opponents with meticulous play. An explanation of the Pro Tour using words with fewer syllables may be found at specialbus.com, along with several additional reviews of the 8th Edition facelift.

Budde Gives Birth, Baby Kai Wins Junior Super Series

After his plans to claim the JSS title failed to come to fruition, PT Chicago champion Kai Budde announced that his newborn son has won the Junior Super Series challenge in his area. The three-month-old, diaper-clad Kai Jr., whom Budde gave birth to after a five-month pregnancy that doctors described as "abnormal," secured a spot at the JSS Championships by tearing through a local Challenge, losing only 1 game due to marked cards covered with drool and spittle. The win also secured a $1,000 scholarship, which should prove crucial in helping Mr. Budde fund his son's education.

The announcement has caused much confusion and speculation, although Mr. Budde addressed one of the more pressing issues by confirming that he himself had carried the child throughout its gestation period until its live birth late last year. While the announcement does clear up some mysteries, such as the artwork of Voidmage Prodigy, other pressing questions such as the identity of the father remain unanswered. While Budde has remained silent on the issue, investigators have confirmed that the child was conceived sometime last May, around the time of PT Nice. Bram Snepvangers was unavailable for comment.

From the Rumor Mill: Scourge to be All Land

A reliable source from the MTGnews.com rumor mill has confirmed that the next expansion in the Onslaught block, Scourge, will consist entirely of land cards, it was learned yesterday. The source, who reportedly works in the Wizards R&D department, offered the following tidbits regarding the development:

"The story behind the Scourge theme really began with one mechanic: mistform. We had this really cool idea for a mistform land that could change its type just like its Onslaught creature counterparts. With Legions already set to be the creature set, it was a small step from there to conclude that Scourge should be the land set. We've got this cycle of lands including Mistform Island, Mistform Forest, and Mistform Mountain, that change to the basic land type of your choice for one mana. We all agreed that it would be a perfect way to introduce the new land subtypes that are going to be in 8th Edition." The aforementioned cycle also includes two other mysterious "Mistform" lands, the names of which the source was not at liberty to divulge as of press time.

Further confirming the source's credibility was the supply of yet another Scourge preview card. The card, Forgotten Ancient, is the first of a new type of land that has a mana cost, color, power and toughness, and creature type. These exciting new "land creatures" are expected to spearhead the Scourge promotional campaign.

Exclusive Interview with Randy Buehler: "See, This is my Elbow, This is my Ass"

In an exclusive interview with MiseTings, Randy Buehler addressed many of the Magic community's leading concerns, in particular the controversial changing of the card faces slated to take place in 8th Edition. While Buehler was receptive to all manner of questions, Buehler's responses were very confident and consistent, revolving around the theme of "this is my elbow, this is my ass."

Buehler was patient yet firm as he fielded numerous questions submitted by the readership of "forum" sites such as MiseTings and magicthegathering.com. "First off, lets get a couple things straight," said Buehler in response to a question as to why the Magic community was not consulted before the drastic change was decided upon. "See this, this here is my elbow, and this is my big white ass. If you can't tell the difference, well then I guess you'll just have to kiss them both. And no, we are not going to change our minds about the card layouts."

After the interview, Wizards of the Coast representative Jeff Donais made an unexpected visit to read the latest press announcement regarding Wizards' policy on player input. "Now anybody who knows Donais, knows I'm about fast cars and Alize, partyin' all day/ but I handled my business cuz its work before play, don't look for trouble, but I'll serve you gourmet/ however you want it, you can have it your way, you fuck my night up, i'ma fuck up your day/ a bullet wit' your name, sendin' it your way, that go for anyone who walk through that doorway/ cause this is my space, you invade it, live to regret it, then you'll die tryin' to violate it/ fuck around get annihilated, eyes dialated," to which Buehler added, "heh, like my old lady."

Iraq Does Something That Sounds Like Something You Can Do in Magic

The embattled nation of Iraq, led by Saddam Hussein, recently engaged in military activity that sounded pretty close to something you can do in a game of Magic.

In response to these events, President Bush called an emergency press conference to urge calm among MiseTings writers. "To people such as Arc, dbuel, netrunner27, and Durban, I say, please try to control yourselves during these times of crisis and rising national tension, and refrain from writing another tired-ass political article. There has already been enough suffering."

In spite of the President's pleas, it is expected that at least one such article will be submitted to MiseTings within the next week. The article is then expected to be praised as the Best Article Ever, after which an estimated twelve to fifteen more readers will remove MiseTings from their favorites list.

Ben Bleiweiss Files Income Tax in Forty Parts, Suspiciously Rounds Up

Magic player and writer extraordinaire Ben Bleiweiss recently raised eyebrows again, when he filed his federal Income Tax report in forty parts. The figures reportedly contained a generous amount of rounding up, which caught the attention of the IRS and resulted in a preliminary audit investigation.

While the full report was not released as of press time, an internal IRS agent had the following to say: "While filing in forty parts in certainly unusual, it is in fact not uncommon among pitiful, nerdy losers who are withering away in their parents' basements for lack of attention. Thus, we were annoyed but not surprised that Mr. Bleiweiss would do this, as he hasn't had his name in the headlines for a couple weeks and he is no doubt nearing the expiration date on his antidepressants prescription. What really caught our eye, though, was some of these suspicious figures that he reported for his earnings. We have investigated some of his "freelance writings," and we must conclude that he is up to something shady, as we cannot believe that anyone would actually pay Mr. Bleiweiss to write that sh*t."

Single Card Strategy: Fugitive Wizard

Bennie Smith, Magic nobody and author of the Single Card Strategy series on magicthegathering.com, announced recently that his next installment will focus on a popular Legions common, Fugitive Wizard. Smith, who has nearly tripled the readership of his column to almost 30 readers in just five weeks, offered the following preview of his upcoming article:

"The key to Fugitive Wizard comes down to one word: versatility. Say, for example, you had a Patron Wizard deck. Why, you could tap your Fugitive Wizard to counter a spell even though the ability isn't even on the text of the Wizard! Furthermore, the applications of Fugitive Wizard in Mental Magic are almost limitless, not to mention the synergy with Ghosthelm Courier and Nameless One." Smith also noted that the Wizard makes an excellent target for Lavamancer's Skill, and that three Fugitive Wizards stacked just so can make a durable coaster suitable for any number of hot beverages.

Phage Touched

Legendary minion Phage the Untouchable was visibly moved last week while watching the NBC television drama American Dreams, it was learned yesterday. When asked for comment, the normally reserved Phage was gushing over with emotions to the point of tears, witnesses reported. "This show, it is just so amazing," Phage told reporters. "Watching likable 15-year-old daughter Meg (Brittany Snow, "Guiding Light") as she strains against her 'good girl' image and yearns to embrace the mores of her more experienced teenage friend, Roxanne (Vanessa Lengies, "Popular Mechanics for Kids") as they achieve their goal of becoming dancer's on Dick Clark's locally produced 'American Bandstand,' well frankly I don't think I've ever been so touched. My brother Kamahl and I used to watch it every Sunday as a family."

This is not the first time that Phage has found herself being unexpectedly touched in recent weeks. Last Friday, 43-year-old gamer and acknowledged pervert Ryan Silman was seen fondling his copy of Phage the Untouchable at a local card shop. After stroking the card gently for several minutes, he then returned the card to his trade binder and resumed his normal practice of hungrily eying the little boys purchasing Digimon cards at the cash register.

Ask Dr. Rules: "Can I Twiddle my Spitting Gourna?"

Dear Dr. Rules,

My brother and I were playing a game of Magic when he attacked me with his Serra Angel. Since I didn't have anything else to do, I decided to Twiddle my Spitting Gourna. However, as soon as I did, my brother got very upset and told me that I couldn't do that ever again. Was what I did ok?

-Concerned in Columbus

Dear Concerned,

It is true that in many environments, Twiddling your Spitting Gourna is unacceptable. I guess the real issue is how casual you are with your brother. For example, if you were among Type 1 players, who are generally older, single, lonely men, then your actions would be perfectly acceptable, even normal, and you could Twiddle away your Spitter all day long.

Have a question for Dr. Rules? Email it to admin@misetings.com

27 Idiots Review Legions

A coalition of 27 MiseTings forum regulars has been commissioned to review the most recent Magic expansion, Legions, it was announced this week. The joint review, funded by an anonymous benefactor as part of the "Prove Cavedan Right Without Even Realizing It" project, is already being mentioned in inside circles as a contender for Best Comedy Article of 2003.

The main body of the project will consist of the assorted idiots doing their best to analyze the merits of the individual cards in Legions for purposes of both constructed and limited. Time will also be allotted for the more ambitious morons to explain their overall draft strategies.

Already the Magic community is excited about the prospects for this monumental piece of literature. Occasional MiseTings contributor cavedan was kind enough to explain the motivation behind the project in greater detail. "Every time a new set is released, there is invariably a torrent of atrocious reviews from nobodies who think they have something worthwhile to say about Magic. These reviews, ranging from individual card rants on message boards to full-scale Peripheral Visionary columns on mtgnews.com, are inevitably some of the most god-awful pieces of strategy writing you will ever have the misfortune to read. It only makes sense, then, to harness the incredibly broad pool of stupidity that is the MiseTings forums, thereby getting all the hilarious incompetence of all the Legions reviews packed into one site." Cavedan also noted the irony in how all of the aforementioned forum regulars chuckled and nodded knowingly upon reading the initial headline "27 Idiots Review Legions" last week.

Assisting the 27 chosen dumbasses will be the forums of mtgnews.com and magicthegathering.com, as well as Joshua Claytor, Gary Wise, and selected members of the Midland, TX special school 2nd grade remedial class. All contributors will be rewarded for their efforts with a foil Voice of the Woods which the writers described as "So shiny."

Gang of Rabid Monkeys Overthrows Wizards, Old Monkey Employees Pissed

In an unexpected development, a gang of feral monkeys has seized control of the Wizards of the Coast headquarters, it was learned Thursday. The rabid primates achieved the coup by defeating the previous administration of monkeys in hand to hand combat, and are expected to assume the old monkeys' responsibilities of card development and design.

Many of the old monkey employees expressed anger and disappointment that they will no longer be able to produce new card sets for the best-selling game. "Ooh ooh eh ee ooh!" fumed one disappointed simian, watching as one of the new monkey leaders threw its feces at the color pie and jumped wildly around the room to divine the abilities of a new creature card for "Bacon." Added the monkey, "Eee! Eiee! Ooo oo ee ability pie oo ooh."

It is unknown whether the old monkey employees will still be able to participate in the design process that has been their arena for so many years. While the takeover marks one of the most dramatic changes in Wizards of the Coast history, most analysts have conceded that the upcoming card sets, and by extension the millions of Magic players worldwide, will be largely unaffected.

Legions Card Preview: Akroma, Angel of Masturbation

One of the most hotly anticipated cards from the new set is without a doubt Akroma, the vengeful angel created by the wizard Ixidor who is at the center of the Onslaught storyline. With her war with Phage being the centerpiece of the Legions story, the white legend is finally receiving her own Magic card: Akroma, Angel of Masturbation.

Akroma is already one of the most popular and sought-after rares in the set, particularly by single, pathetic male gamers between the ages of 13 and 45 (or "gamers" for short). In addition to being packed with game-dominating abilities, Akroma is also well-designed for uses outside of the game, with a mostly white border that obscures most stains. All this combines to make Akroma one of Legions' premier rares, with the prerelease already seeing hundreds of gamers trading and petting heavily for the angel.

Players of all ages have been eager to offer their thoughts on the merits of the new card. "Mmm. unnngh. Akroma baby, oh yeah." commented 15-year-old Dwight Meyer, sweating and breathing heavily while looking at an Akroma in another player's trade binder at a recent FNM. When asked if he was interested in trading for the angel, Meyer hastily replied, "Uhh!... unggh. mmm. unnggGH - No, I'm done" moments before excusing himself to go find a towel.

Rosewater Fucks Self

Bowing to increasing pressure from fans and customers, Wizards of the Coast R&D leader Mark Rosewater finally gave in and fucked himself. The acrobatically challenging maneuver is expected to placate the thousands of angry customers who have been venting their disappointment about recent developments in the Magic universe, most notably the announcement of 8th Edition

"Well, I guess that settles that," said gamer Chris Larpenter, a frequent poster on the magicthegathering.com message boards and one of the more vocal critics of the card face redesign. "I made myself very clear: either they change their minds and keep the card faces the same, or Mark Rosewater can go fuck himself. I guess I've got nothing left to complain about anymore." Larpenter then shrugged and preordered four boxes of 8th Edition boosters.

Given the apparent effectiveness of the maneuver, fellow R&D member Randy Buehler is reportedly also considering acquiescing to the numerous requests for him to give it to himself in the ass. While there is no word yet as to whether this second self-fucking is to take place, several witnesses have reported seeing Buehler renting flexibility improvement videos and taking up beginning yoga classes.

8th Edition Facelift Good

The radical revamping of the card fronts set to begin with 8th Edition is pretty cool, it was learned Tuesday. One of the many fans of the new design, 16-year-old Tom Shackett, had the following to say about the changes: "These new cards are pretty cool. I really like this Blood Moon especially." Shackett then excused himself to try to trade for one of the new and improved foils.

No one is happier about the acceptance of the new design than Josh Bennett, author of the much-talked-about "Introducing 8th Edition" article on sideboard.com. Regarding his current employ as a Wizards of the Coast public relations bitch, Bennett announced that he is "happy as hell" with his current job and "plans to take it for a long, long time."

Doug Beyer Informed "Deep Analysis" Not an Avatar Option

Flavor text writer Doug Beyer was disappointed to learn that the Torment card Deep Analysis was not an option for his Wizards of the Coast Invitational avatar submission, sources reported.

"I had initially wanted an image of a digital me scribing the flavor text onto the card with a quill pen, like Shakespeare used," Beyer explained. "After they said they wouldn't do that, I settled for just having Deep Analysis be my submission. But then they told me that the avatar would just have some cephalids, instead of the whole card with the flavor text highlighted in gold like I wanted, so I thought 'What's the point?' I should take this time to mention that I also wrote the text on Werebear, by the way." Beyer eventually settled on the Fallen Empires common Thallid, as it reminded him of his favorite houseplant and only friend Bert the Azalea Bonsai.

Longest Article Ever Written

In an unexpected move, cavedan returned to MiseTings with the longest article ever written on MiseTings. Weighing in at over 3,720 pages and 12.3 million words, the article, which took over three and a half years to write, took an average article from occasional writer Pugg Fuggly and made it longer. Readers are encouraged to discuss this article in the MiseTings forums, with the understanding that they will be silently judged based on whatever they post.

-cavedan

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