The latest news, from where I see it.

Wise Writes Limited Review; Awaits Decision from Maher, Reeves

Gary Wise’s much anticipated Onslaught Limited Wizards Review is finally available on Sideboard.com, it was announced Tuesday. Upon completing his analysis of the merits of various blue cards in the current limited format, Wise then sat patiently while teammates Bob Maher, Jr. and Neil Reeves decided on which card to draft for Wise’s deck.

“To end the latest Eisel/Krouner debate, [Mistform] Wall is definitely better than Mistform Dreamer in blue-red, while not as good as Ascending Aven,” Wise stated with authority, pausing to add the Crown of Suspicion that Maher and Reeves had eventually settled on to his pile of drafted cards. “However, if you have one or two Lavamancer’s Skills, then I suppose taking the Wall over the Aven would be acceptable.”

Maher was kind enough to explain the situation further in an interview with Toby Wachter. “No one really leads our drafts, but Gary realized while we were practicing that his card evaluation wasn’t quite where he thought it was,” said Maher, pausing to affirm Reeves’ choice of Crude Rampart over Gustcloak Skirmisher for Wise’s deck. “He still takes his game very seriously, though, and he writes all those reviews… it’s kind of sad, really.”

Wise’s expertise is appreciated by the thousands of readers of his column, who now know how the top pros rate the various blue Onslaught cards. “I absolutely love Choking Tethers; its easily the second best blue common,” Wise continued. He then cut off his sentence and sat meekly after Reeves informed him that his teammates were “trying to think and would appreciate some peace and quiet.”

Mike Flores Uses Every Part of the Buffalo

In an impressive display, Magic innovator Mike Flores used every part of the buffalo last week, sources reported. Flores, who specializes in constructed technology and is widely considered one of Magic’s most versatile and creative players, let no part of the large mammal go to waste after stalking and killing it last Saturday.

Among the items fashioned from the carcass were a winter cloak made from the buffalo’s hide, a watertight drinking vessel fashioned from the bladder, ornately carved Wurm tokens made from the teeth, and ceremonial rain-dance instruments assembled from the hooves and various small bones. The excessive quantities of edible meat that Flores diligently recovered are slated to be donated to the Feed Carlos Romao fund.

“With a little ingenuity, even the most unlikely parts can serve a purpose,” Flores told reporters, gently scraping off a delicate membrane for use as card sleeves. “It’s similar to the kind of outside-the-box thinking that lets you succeed in Mental Magic.” Flores then set to work whittling a primitive spear out of a femur.

Flores, who is not known to be of any Native American descent, is nevertheless clearly not a Caucasian, making him a threat to the comfortable, homogeneous lifestyles of the white upper-middle-class young men that make up the majority of Magic’s player base.

In related news, Single Card Strategy author Bennie Smith expressed disappointment that the preceding “Every Part of the Buffalo” article was not written about him, as the subject relates more closely to his particular claim to recognition. Smith was then informed that the article fell to Flores because no one gives a flying f*ck about Benny Smith.

Twelve-Year-Old With Lone Firecat “Trying to Get Four”

The solitary Blistering Firecat in the possession of gamer Davie Jensen is not available for trade, it was learned Thursday, as the 12-year-old is “trying to get four.”

The announcement comes as a disappointment for several potential traders at Source Comics and Games, the local store at which numerous players made generous bids for the 7/1 creature. Jensen, however, was resolute in his decision, as the Firecats are necessary for the Red Fast Damage deck that Jensen is trying to assemble based on a listing in his most recent copy of InQuest.

Among the disappointed would-be traders was competitive player Luke Kabat, who made numerous offers including various combinations of sac lands, Exalted Angels, Goblin Piledrivers, and cash, but was ultimately turned down. “That Firecat is the last card I need for [Kabat’s competitive Sligh deck] for Dreamers tomorrow,” he lamented. “I don’t believe this sh*t.”

Jensen was sympathetic but firm as he turned down Kabat’s latest request. “Sorry man, but I really need the Firecat for my deck,” he said. Jensen then added, “I’ll still trade for your Ivy Elemental, though, if you can find something else you want,” offering his three-page trade binder featuring Invigorating Boon and Trained Orgg for further examination.

The ambitious undertaking comes at an exciting time in Jensen’s young Magic career. Last week, Jensen acquired his fourth copy of Deranged Hermit, finally completing his Type 2 Hermit-Congregate-Stronghold Discipline deck from Scrye Magazine circa August 2000.

Team Academy Goes Legit

Andy Stokinger’s notorious TeamAcademy.com shocked gamers worldwide by announcing that they are going legit and attempting to run a strategy site. The site, which had previously been one of the top humor sites on the web, will no longer feature terrible strategy articles from StarCity and MTGPlanet, and will reportedly close down its beloved resource of information such as “What is the difference between a [black man] and a pizza?”

Even more unfortunate than the sudden decision was the timing associated with the change. Stokinger noted that the preliminary announcement regarding the end of TA’s trademark mocking reviews came just days before the posting of one of the worst strategy articles ever posted with a straight face, “Risking the All-White Draft” by Jared Gardner. A somber Stokinger offered his thoughts on the coincidence: “Well, it seems that we just can’t catch a break. First we get all these emails complaining about our content, and then when we finally decide to change some guy goes and writes an article saying the white pick order should go Daru Cavalier, Glory Seeker, Gustcloak Harrier, Gustcloak Runner, and Unified Strike. Man, I was so close to just saying ‘Fuck it’ and whipping up a review right then… I mean seriously, the guy said you should side in your Pacifisms against R/G. You can’t make that sh*t up.” Stokinger then sighed and went back to work updating his new and improved site for its seven readers.

Tragedy Strikes Cavedan

A terrible calamity struck cavedan last week, when the occasional MiseTings writer and burgeoning MOL addict was forced to pay for a draft. The incident occurred after a horrendous 7-draft losing streak which deprived cavedan of all his packs and most of his rating points, and consisted of a dazed cavedan fumbling for his credit card and logging in to the Magic Online Store. At a press conference, cavedan said that he was “deeply ashamed” of his involvement in the purchase and “certainly regrets” his actions. He also noted that he would be just fine if Josh Day would ever pay him back the 12+ packs on Onslaught that he owes him, oh yes, he’d be just f*cking fine. Readers are encouraged to donate any spare tickets, packs, or rares to the Cavedan Relief Fund, bearing in mind that cavedan does not get any compensation for writing what are certainly some of the best articles ever penned in the history of mankind. Yeah. The best ever. =[

Discuss this article in the Magic: the Gathering Forums!

The latest news, from where I see it.

Wise Writes Limited Review; Awaits Decision from Maher, Reeves

Gary Wise’s much anticipated Onslaught Limited Wizards Review is finally available on Sideboard.com, it was announced Tuesday. Upon completing his analysis of the merits of various blue cards in the current limited format, Wise then sat patiently while teammates Bob Maher, Jr. and Neil Reeves decided on which card to draft for Wise’s deck.

“To end the latest Eisel/Krouner debate, [Mistform] Wall is definitely better than Mistform Dreamer in blue-red, while not as good as Ascending Aven,” Wise stated with authority, pausing to add the Crown of Suspicion that Maher and Reeves had eventually settled on to his pile of drafted cards. “However, if you have one or two Lavamancer’s Skills, then I suppose taking the Wall over the Aven would be acceptable.”

Maher was kind enough to explain the situation further in an interview with Toby Wachter. “No one really leads our drafts, but Gary realized while we were practicing that his card evaluation wasn’t quite where he thought it was,” said Maher, pausing to affirm Reeves’ choice of Crude Rampart over Gustcloak Skirmisher for Wise’s deck. “He still takes his game very seriously, though, and he writes all those reviews… it’s kind of sad, really.”

Wise’s expertise is appreciated by the thousands of readers of his column, who now know how the top pros rate the various blue Onslaught cards. “I absolutely love Choking Tethers; its easily the second best blue common,” Wise continued. He then cut off his sentence and sat meekly after Reeves informed him that his teammates were “trying to think and would appreciate some peace and quiet.”

Mike Flores Uses Every Part of the Buffalo

In an impressive display, Magic innovator Mike Flores used every part of the buffalo last week, sources reported. Flores, who specializes in constructed technology and is widely considered one of Magic’s most versatile and creative players, let no part of the large mammal go to waste after stalking and killing it last Saturday.

Among the items fashioned from the carcass were a winter cloak made from the buffalo’s hide, a watertight drinking vessel fashioned from the bladder, ornately carved Wurm tokens made from the teeth, and ceremonial rain-dance instruments assembled from the hooves and various small bones. The excessive quantities of edible meat that Flores diligently recovered are slated to be donated to the Feed Carlos Romao fund.

“With a little ingenuity, even the most unlikely parts can serve a purpose,” Flores told reporters, gently scraping off a delicate membrane for use as card sleeves. “It’s similar to the kind of outside-the-box thinking that lets you succeed in Mental Magic.” Flores then set to work whittling a primitive spear out of a femur.

Flores, who is not known to be of any Native American descent, is nevertheless clearly not a Caucasian, making him a threat to the comfortable, homogeneous lifestyles of the white upper-middle-class young men that make up the majority of Magic’s player base.

In related news, Single Card Strategy author Bennie Smith expressed disappointment that the preceding “Every Part of the Buffalo” article was not written about him, as the subject relates more closely to his particular claim to recognition. Smith was then informed that the article fell to Flores because no one gives a flying f*ck about Benny Smith.

Twelve-Year-Old With Lone Firecat “Trying to Get Four”

The solitary Blistering Firecat in the possession of gamer Davie Jensen is not available for trade, it was learned Thursday, as the 12-year-old is “trying to get four.”

The announcement comes as a disappointment for several potential traders at Source Comics and Games, the local store at which numerous players made generous bids for the 7/1 creature. Jensen, however, was resolute in his decision, as the Firecats are necessary for the Red Fast Damage deck that Jensen is trying to assemble based on a listing in his most recent copy of InQuest.

Among the disappointed would-be traders was competitive player Luke Kabat, who made numerous offers including various combinations of sac lands, Exalted Angels, Goblin Piledrivers, and cash, but was ultimately turned down. “That Firecat is the last card I need for [Kabat’s competitive Sligh deck] for Dreamers tomorrow,” he lamented. “I don’t believe this sh*t.”

Jensen was sympathetic but firm as he turned down Kabat’s latest request. “Sorry man, but I really need the Firecat for my deck,” he said. Jensen then added, “I’ll still trade for your Ivy Elemental, though, if you can find something else you want,” offering his three-page trade binder featuring Invigorating Boon and Trained Orgg for further examination.

The ambitious undertaking comes at an exciting time in Jensen’s young Magic career. Last week, Jensen acquired his fourth copy of Deranged Hermit, finally completing his Type 2 Hermit-Congregate-Stronghold Discipline deck from Scrye Magazine circa August 2000.

Team Academy Goes Legit

Andy Stokinger’s notorious TeamAcademy.com shocked gamers worldwide by announcing that they are going legit and attempting to run a strategy site. The site, which had previously been one of the top humor sites on the web, will no longer feature terrible strategy articles from StarCity and MTGPlanet, and will reportedly close down its beloved resource of information such as “What is the difference between a [black man] and a pizza?”

Even more unfortunate than the sudden decision was the timing associated with the change. Stokinger noted that the preliminary announcement regarding the end of TA’s trademark mocking reviews came just days before the posting of one of the worst strategy articles ever posted with a straight face, “Risking the All-White Draft” by Jared Gardner. A somber Stokinger offered his thoughts on the coincidence: “Well, it seems that we just can’t catch a break. First we get all these emails complaining about our content, and then when we finally decide to change some guy goes and writes an article saying the white pick order should go Daru Cavalier, Glory Seeker, Gustcloak Harrier, Gustcloak Runner, and Unified Strike. Man, I was so close to just saying ‘Fuck it’ and whipping up a review right then… I mean seriously, the guy said you should side in your Pacifisms against R/G. You can’t make that sh*t up.” Stokinger then sighed and went back to work updating his new and improved site for its seven readers.

Tragedy Strikes Cavedan

A terrible calamity struck cavedan last week, when the occasional MiseTings writer and burgeoning MOL addict was forced to pay for a draft. The incident occurred after a horrendous 7-draft losing streak which deprived cavedan of all his packs and most of his rating points, and consisted of a dazed cavedan fumbling for his credit card and logging in to the Magic Online Store. At a press conference, cavedan said that he was “deeply ashamed” of his involvement in the purchase and “certainly regrets” his actions. He also noted that he would be just fine if Josh Day would ever pay him back the 12+ packs on Onslaught that he owes him, oh yes, he’d be just f*cking fine. Readers are encouraged to donate any spare tickets, packs, or rares to the Cavedan Relief Fund, bearing in mind that cavedan does not get any compensation for writing what are certainly some of the best articles ever penned in the history of mankind. Yeah. The best ever. =[

Discuss this article in the Magic: the Gathering Forums!