So I come back from a much-needed week of vacation to find that THE Alex Shvartsman has plugged Week in Review. Not only that, but my articles are now available in TWO different languages, jesus will this column’s star EVER stop rising? Hell, I’ve even gotten offers from TA and they’ll pay me $15 store credit, which at their prices is the equivalent of about one Akroma, Angel of Wrath per week. Talk about scrilla. Sigh. Anyway here’s some news, I’m sure I missed a bunch of stuff from last week but whatever.

Alternate Universe Nick Eisel Wins PT Venice

After a weekend of intense play, veteran pro Nick Eisel was crowned champion of Pro Tour Venice in a parallel dimension. The win cemented Eisel’s status as the alternate reality’s consensus best player in the world.

Noted physicist Dr. Stephan Dahlberg attended a press conference to explain the historic occurrence. “One of the leading cosmic theories is based on the concept that anything that could conceivably happen, does happen, in some universe, so that there are infinite universes constantly being created every moment from every possibility. Thus, it is entirely possible that, in some dimension, Mr. Eisel may actually be an honest, world class Magic player. Or, in another universe, he may actually have friends – the possibilities are literally infinite.”

Several such parallel universes have already been theorized to exist. In one universe, Nick Eisel was set up by people who have something against him. In another, the DCI realized that if they did not convict Eisel he was going to press for compensation. In another, the player who registered the deck added the Baloth intentionally with the hope of getting the deck back.

Above: Eisel’s career in the competing versions of reality

No one was more excited about alternate-Eisel’s accomplishments than the embattled Mr. Eisel himself. “Frankly, I don’t care whether you people believe me at all or not,” Eisel wrote from his new email account eisel@permed4l.com. “At least now people can see just how great I can be, if given the chance.” Eisel then went on to point out once again that he has a girlfriend, a fact which is believed to be a rare quantum anomaly not known to be the case in any other parallel existence.

Fuller Disqualified, Sun Rises, World Turns

In these times of increasing tension and escalating, fast-paced world events, it is easy to feel overwhelmed by the hectic pace of modern life. Fortunately, Magic players received a reassuring respite from the blistering pace of change in the dynamic world, with the disqualification of Ryan Fuller reminding people that there are still certain immutable constants that can always be counted on.

“Just as the sun will set and the birds will sing, so too will Ryan Fuller invariably be caught savagely cheating,” sighed Pro Tour veteran Bryan Hubble. “Its kind of comforting, knowing that no matter how crazy or backward things may seem, with people like Ben Bleiweiss getting paid to write articles and South Americans actually winning tournaments, you can always count on Fuller to get caught cheating and then get away with a ridiculously light penalty that lets him keep all his dirty prize money.”

“I’ve been predicting this since the beginning of the season,” noted Gary Wise. “As surely as the river runs and the moon rises, so too will Ryan Fuller always find new ways to be a cheating asshole.” Wise then returned to his 127th consecutive hour without food or sleep of writing Onslaught limited reviews, powered only by his own sense of self-satisfaction.

Above: Fuller takes his place in the eternal cycle of life.

ESPN2 Broadcast of Magic World Championships Reaches Alpha Centauri; Aliens Point and Laugh

After light-years of interstellar travel, the ESPN2 broadcast of the Magic: the Gathering World Championships arrived at a planet orbiting Alpha Centauri, where it was met with ridicule and derision from the resident alien population.

“Man, I’ve seen some pretty stupid things on these signals that those earthlings keep sending out, but this one tops them all,” said High Primus Trak’dor of the Nymeniem Republic. “What a bunch of dorks.”

Numerous other aliens echoed the sentiment. “Its amazing that these ‘humans’ have survived as long as they have, if these guys are any indication,” added Kelak’dul’Sograth. “I can’t imagine anyone ever wanting to have sex with those nerds.”

Others were more forgiving. “We should be more appreciative of the diverse interests of this amusing race of semi-intelligent beings,” noted an alien who wished to remain anonymous. “But man, did you see that Marco Blume City of Traitors play? You can bet that guy’s not going to be winning any Pro Tours, at least not without someone with talent doing all the work for him.”

Congrats to Osyp, PS2, Rood

Pro Tour veteran Osyp Lebedowicz and Japanese team PS2 were recently added to the official list of Players Who Are Better Than You Will Ever Be, with their victories at the Venice Pro Tour and Masters. It is hoped that a tournament report will be forthcoming, as Lebedowicz’s articles have been proven to be pure gas. Special congratulations to David Rood as well, who, despite losing to PS2 in the Masters finals, joined the prestigious group of players who have embarrassed Gary Wise in a game of the magical cards.

Play of the Week

Thanks to those who sent me plays this week; I was going to include a couple in this edition but they were trumped by this truly amazing play that I witnessed last week. In the first round, the defending champion Maryland Terrapins found themselves losing to UNC-Wilmington with less than a minute to play. However, veteran Steve Blake iced a clutch three-pointer with 20 seconds to play to give the Terps a 1-point advantage. But UNC would not go down so easily. Working the ball upcourt, the Seahawks worked the ball to Aaron Coombs who earned a trip to the free throw line. Despite being a 60% free throw shooter, Coombs iced both shots to reclaim the lead with five seconds left, seeming to seal the game and end the dream for Maryland. But five seconds is a world of time in basketball, and the champs were not out of tricks yet. The ball found its way into the hands of Drew Nicholas, who raced upcourt against stiff defense and launched a desperation, one-handed three as time expired, finding nothing but the bottom of the net and sending Maryland on to the next round.

Have a play of the week, or just feel like making something up? Send them to cavedan199@yahoo.com, I will get around to posting them eventually.

Retro: “Email Address “rfuller@permed4life.com” No Longer Available” by MD

I didn’t feel like digging up one of the true classics from the ancient past this week, so this gem from the one and only MD will have to do. Suffice to say this one seemed appropriate given recent events.

Discuss this article in the Magic: the Gathering Forums!

So I come back from a much-needed week of vacation to find that THE Alex Shvartsman has plugged Week in Review. Not only that, but my articles are now available in TWO different languages, jesus will this column’s star EVER stop rising? Hell, I’ve even gotten offers from TA and they’ll pay me $15 store credit, which at their prices is the equivalent of about one Akroma, Angel of Wrath per week. Talk about scrilla. Sigh. Anyway here’s some news, I’m sure I missed a bunch of stuff from last week but whatever.

Alternate Universe Nick Eisel Wins PT Venice

After a weekend of intense play, veteran pro Nick Eisel was crowned champion of Pro Tour Venice in a parallel dimension. The win cemented Eisel’s status as the alternate reality’s consensus best player in the world.

Noted physicist Dr. Stephan Dahlberg attended a press conference to explain the historic occurrence. “One of the leading cosmic theories is based on the concept that anything that could conceivably happen, does happen, in some universe, so that there are infinite universes constantly being created every moment from every possibility. Thus, it is entirely possible that, in some dimension, Mr. Eisel may actually be an honest, world class Magic player. Or, in another universe, he may actually have friends – the possibilities are literally infinite.”

Several such parallel universes have already been theorized to exist. In one universe, Nick Eisel was set up by people who have something against him. In another, the DCI realized that if they did not convict Eisel he was going to press for compensation. In another, the player who registered the deck added the Baloth intentionally with the hope of getting the deck back.

Above: Eisel’s career in the competing versions of reality

No one was more excited about alternate-Eisel’s accomplishments than the embattled Mr. Eisel himself. “Frankly, I don’t care whether you people believe me at all or not,” Eisel wrote from his new email account eisel@permed4l.com. “At least now people can see just how great I can be, if given the chance.” Eisel then went on to point out once again that he has a girlfriend, a fact which is believed to be a rare quantum anomaly not known to be the case in any other parallel existence.

Fuller Disqualified, Sun Rises, World Turns

In these times of increasing tension and escalating, fast-paced world events, it is easy to feel overwhelmed by the hectic pace of modern life. Fortunately, Magic players received a reassuring respite from the blistering pace of change in the dynamic world, with the disqualification of Ryan Fuller reminding people that there are still certain immutable constants that can always be counted on.

“Just as the sun will set and the birds will sing, so too will Ryan Fuller invariably be caught savagely cheating,” sighed Pro Tour veteran Bryan Hubble. “Its kind of comforting, knowing that no matter how crazy or backward things may seem, with people like Ben Bleiweiss getting paid to write articles and South Americans actually winning tournaments, you can always count on Fuller to get caught cheating and then get away with a ridiculously light penalty that lets him keep all his dirty prize money.”

“I’ve been predicting this since the beginning of the season,” noted Gary Wise. “As surely as the river runs and the moon rises, so too will Ryan Fuller always find new ways to be a cheating asshole.” Wise then returned to his 127th consecutive hour without food or sleep of writing Onslaught limited reviews, powered only by his own sense of self-satisfaction.

Above: Fuller takes his place in the eternal cycle of life.

ESPN2 Broadcast of Magic World Championships Reaches Alpha Centauri; Aliens Point and Laugh

After light-years of interstellar travel, the ESPN2 broadcast of the Magic: the Gathering World Championships arrived at a planet orbiting Alpha Centauri, where it was met with ridicule and derision from the resident alien population.

“Man, I’ve seen some pretty stupid things on these signals that those earthlings keep sending out, but this one tops them all,” said High Primus Trak’dor of the Nymeniem Republic. “What a bunch of dorks.”

Numerous other aliens echoed the sentiment. “Its amazing that these ‘humans’ have survived as long as they have, if these guys are any indication,” added Kelak’dul’Sograth. “I can’t imagine anyone ever wanting to have sex with those nerds.”

Others were more forgiving. “We should be more appreciative of the diverse interests of this amusing race of semi-intelligent beings,” noted an alien who wished to remain anonymous. “But man, did you see that Marco Blume City of Traitors play? You can bet that guy’s not going to be winning any Pro Tours, at least not without someone with talent doing all the work for him.”

Congrats to Osyp, PS2, Rood

Pro Tour veteran Osyp Lebedowicz and Japanese team PS2 were recently added to the official list of Players Who Are Better Than You Will Ever Be, with their victories at the Venice Pro Tour and Masters. It is hoped that a tournament report will be forthcoming, as Lebedowicz’s articles have been proven to be pure gas. Special congratulations to David Rood as well, who, despite losing to PS2 in the Masters finals, joined the prestigious group of players who have embarrassed Gary Wise in a game of the magical cards.

Play of the Week

Thanks to those who sent me plays this week; I was going to include a couple in this edition but they were trumped by this truly amazing play that I witnessed last week. In the first round, the defending champion Maryland Terrapins found themselves losing to UNC-Wilmington with less than a minute to play. However, veteran Steve Blake iced a clutch three-pointer with 20 seconds to play to give the Terps a 1-point advantage. But UNC would not go down so easily. Working the ball upcourt, the Seahawks worked the ball to Aaron Coombs who earned a trip to the free throw line. Despite being a 60% free throw shooter, Coombs iced both shots to reclaim the lead with five seconds left, seeming to seal the game and end the dream for Maryland. But five seconds is a world of time in basketball, and the champs were not out of tricks yet. The ball found its way into the hands of Drew Nicholas, who raced upcourt against stiff defense and launched a desperation, one-handed three as time expired, finding nothing but the bottom of the net and sending Maryland on to the next round.

Have a play of the week, or just feel like making something up? Send them to cavedan199@yahoo.com, I will get around to posting them eventually.

Retro: “Email Address “rfuller@permed4life.com” No Longer Available” by MD

I didn’t feel like digging up one of the true classics from the ancient past this week, so this gem from the one and only MD will have to do. Suffice to say this one seemed appropriate given recent events.

Discuss this article in the Magic: the Gathering Forums!