I regret to announce that this week’s column contains an article about Mark Rosewater. I’ve been doing my best to avoid the “Every Goddamn Article is About Buehler or Rosewater” trend that has plagued this site for the past couple months (incidentally, I’m also trying to stay away from the “Every Goddamn Article Sucks Shit” trend that has been the status quo for the past year and a half or so). With that said, here’s the latest:

Japanese Player Wins Grand Prix

Much has been made of the recent success of players from Latin America, with the likes of Diego Ostrovich and Carlos Romao becoming well known faces on the Pro Tour circuit. But the Latin Americans are not the only ones making a splash in the professional Magic community. Japan is also proving itself to be a powerhouse, with this weekend seeing a Japanese player claim yet another Grand Prix title.

After two days of grueling competition, well-known Japanese deck builder Akira Asahara had fought his way to the top of a field of over 700 competitors, including many pros, to win Grand Prix Kyoto. “This just goes to show that Magic is truly a global game,” said a representative from Wizards of the Coast Organized Play. “Make no mistake: Japan is a force to be reckoned with at premiere-level events. Don’t be surprised to see a lot more Japanese players at the top of high level events in the near future, such as Pro Tour Yokohama or maybe even Japan Regionals.”

But Asahara was not the only Japanese player making noise at the event; the Japanese performance was so strong that they pulled off a sweep of the entire top 8! “I think its safe to say that the days of European and American dominance in professional Magic are drawing to a close,” said Aaron Forsythe. “When a Japanese player can win a tournament of hundreds of competitors, including Olivier Ruel, that certainly makes a statement about the level of skill present throughout the Japanese Magic community.”

But the Japanese are not the only ones making strides in the Magic world. The players of Singapore showed that they too are a force to be reckoned with, claiming almost half of the slots in the top 8 of Grand Prix Singapore. Such rising stars and Kelvin Yew Teck Hoon and Chang Chua led the efforts to defend their home turf, allowing only two of the four Americans in attendance to make the top 8. Not only that, but the local players managed to prevent all but one of the two visiting Swedes from winning the tournament, with Mikael Polgary claiming the title.

Wizards Conducts Server Test; 2,500 Lives Hang in the Balance

The major server test conducted last week by Wizards of the Coast for their Magic Online product resulted in a full server crash and several hours of no service, temporarily suspending the lives of thousands of Magic players worldwide. Some estimates had as many as 2500 people registered for the free tournament, all of which found themselves lost with nothing to do for the remainder of their Saturday afternoons until the servers resumed service.

“This is bullshit, I can’t believe this is taking so long to fix,” complained 15-year-old Mitch Wagner of North Pines, TX, while the sun shone and birds chirped outside his living room window. “I guess I’ve got no choice but to sit here and wait until they come back up.” Wagner then resigned himself to making the 22-foot walk to his kitchen, where he proceeded to heat and consume an entire Tombstone sausage pizza.

In response to these events, Wizards of the Coast issued the following statement on their official Magic Online homepage: “We understand that many of you set aside a great deal of time to be a part of Saturday's event, and would like to thank everyone who volunteered their time. However, we’re not going kid ourselves and pretend that your time is actually worth anything, so we will be conducting another large server test on Saturday, April 12. Please notify your parents that they are free to go out that day, provided that they leave you with sufficient food and water.”

To compensate for the failed tournament, Wizards offered several smaller 256-person free events throughout the day. “It’s pretty sad that they managed to get 17 of those small tournaments running,” noted an official from the World Health Organization. “If we assumer an average of 200 players each, that’s like 3400 people each wasting five or more hours of their one life on earth, staring at their computers. Furthermore, the number of Cheetos, cans of Coke, and Pringles consumed by these losers would have provided enough calories to save hundreds from starvation in a third world country. It’s really quite depressing.”

Those players considering participation in the April 12th event are advised to have a backup plan for the day in the event of a server crash, such as taking a walk, going to the gym to work out, or securing a ride to the Saturday night draft from one’s parents.

Rosewater Makes Overture to Black Community With Williams-Lebedowicz Feature Match

It was a very special moment on Day 1 of Pro Tour Venice, when the third round pairings went up to reveal that Osyp Lebedowicz and Dave Williams had been paired in a feature match, the first such pairing between two people who look black, or at least are clearly not white. As reported in Part 1 of Lebedowicz’ Venice report, the following exchange may or may not have taken place:

Before the match started, Dave informs me of something interesting Mark Rosewater says as the Feature matches are going up.
"Wow, two of you in a feature match, that's a first!"-Rosewater
"What do you mean two of us?!?"-Dave
"Uh..I mean....well...What I meant to say was...Ngggg (pulling at his neck collar)"-Rosewater
It was so funny watching him squirm I didn't have the heart to tell him I wasn't black

When asked for comment, Rosewater explained that the Feature Match was part of a new diversity initiative intended to demonstrate that Magic is a game for people of all “age, creed, and color.” “These two young men serve as fine examples of how Magic brings people together,” said Rosewater. “Rather than being in prison for stealing car stereos, they are here competing at the highest level of Magic competition, the Pro Tour. And, for younger players, there is the Junior Super Series, where ‘urban’ youngsters can compete for $1000 in higher education assistance, which should be a nice complement to their basketball scholarships.” Rosewater then announced that he would personally supply malt liquor and bucket of fried chicken to the winner of the historic match.

This is not the first time Rosewater has paid homage to the black community. Last summer, Rosewater was sighted at a screening of the hit movie MIB 2 featuring noted black actor Will Smith. After the show, Rosewater then went to a nearby Burger King, where he requested an “African-American Stack” combo meal.

“Older, Wiser” Jensen Ready to Devote More Time to Magic

Gary Wise has long known that Bill Jensen has as much talent as just about anyone in the game. However, despite playing a fast clean game reminiscent of Kai Budde’s, Jensen never achieved ultimate success due to a misguided set of priorities. All that seems poised to change now though, with back-to-back Top 8 performances signaling the beginning of a new era of dominance. As reported by Gary Wise, Jensen is now a little older and a little wiser and is ready to dedicate himself fully to the game.

“It’s nice to see that Baby Huey has finally come around,” Wise told reporters. “For too long, he was distracted by things like ‘school’ and ‘women’ and ‘real life,’ that have really kept him from hitting the peak of his game. Now, thanks to his newfound motivation, Huey hasn’t been to class in three days because he’s been too busy doing 3-on-3 drafts online, sometimes more than ten a week. It looks like he’s finally gotten his priorities straight.”

Many of Jensen’s friends have noted the change. “Billy used to come down and play basketball with us every Friday, and we’d go to parties and stuff together, but now he just sits at his computer,” said friend Ryan Johnson. “A couple weeks ago, the neighbors called the cops to his room because they thought they could smell a rotting corpse, but it turned out that Will just hadn’t showered for a week because he was too busy ‘testing Slide’ or some shit like that, its really sad.”

Jensen is not the only Pro Tour regular increasing their focus on the game, with the new Masters Series structure promising guaranteed end-of-year payouts to consistent top performers. “I can’t wait to graduate so that I can throw away 22 years of education to become a full time Magic player,” said GP Boston champion Brian Kibler. “And my mom is behind me on this 100%, she’s even set aside a special ‘playtesting lab’ for me in the basement.” Kibler expressed excitement about the new Masters payout, which is expected to allow up to 20 or more players to earn $15,000-20,000+ every year just for playing Magic, allowing them to live like McDonald’s assistant shift managers.

Play of the Week: Plays of the People

I promised to post some of the plays that people send in, so here is a couple that have been sitting around my Inbox for a while. This first one is courtesy of Jiggs Henry of Alvin, TX, which tells of an exciting multiplayer game. I’ll leave it up to you to decide which parts are the funniest:

Just stumbled on your site and I really like it. You want humorous, let me tell you about the game I played friday night with some friends. It was me playing mono red (with splash of white for demystify and castles) goblins (made awesome with brightstone ritual, warbreak trumpeter, goblin dynamos and blaze)and just for fun I had my only goblin sharpshooter in the deck. I played him and was about to start pinging the elves my two opponents were playing (thats right, both were playing elf decks) and the younger of the two decides to play Living Lands, much to the anger and chagrin of my other opponent playing mono green. Due to his pissyness the card did not get played, but I laughed a hearty 5 minutes knowing that I came an inch away from sending every last one of their forests to their graveyards. I lost the game via elf beatdown (yesh there is now elf beatdown) shortly after dealing 12 damage (for the kill) of the younger player that almost helped me by playing the living lands. The 12 damage was a result of a gratuitous violence in play and tap/sacking goblin dynamo for 6 damage (doubled by the gratz)

Then there is this gem from Kelly Koechel which shows the sheer power of morph – not only does it bring a surprise element, but also can pack a huge punch:

It was turn three of game three of my first match at Worlds 2004. My opponent had just unmorphed his grizzly bears and hit me for 22 points of damage. He won that match and felt so bad for me crying he bought me a sandwich and then I ran away.

Thanks to all those who sent in plays, I will post more next week. Until then, keep them coming at cavedan199@yahoo.com.

Retro: The Can of SpaGeddes-O’s



Whenever I’m feeling down, there are always a few comedy classics that can always make me smile. These range from my all-time favorite MiseTings articles to RealUltimatePower to CCGPrime, but the immortal Can of SpaGeddes-O’s tops them all. I don’t know, I think it must be the shoes. Pure genius.

Discuss this article in the Magic: the Gathering Forums!

I regret to announce that this week’s column contains an article about Mark Rosewater. I’ve been doing my best to avoid the “Every Goddamn Article is About Buehler or Rosewater” trend that has plagued this site for the past couple months (incidentally, I’m also trying to stay away from the “Every Goddamn Article Sucks Shit” trend that has been the status quo for the past year and a half or so). With that said, here’s the latest:

Japanese Player Wins Grand Prix

Much has been made of the recent success of players from Latin America, with the likes of Diego Ostrovich and Carlos Romao becoming well known faces on the Pro Tour circuit. But the Latin Americans are not the only ones making a splash in the professional Magic community. Japan is also proving itself to be a powerhouse, with this weekend seeing a Japanese player claim yet another Grand Prix title.

After two days of grueling competition, well-known Japanese deck builder Akira Asahara had fought his way to the top of a field of over 700 competitors, including many pros, to win Grand Prix Kyoto. “This just goes to show that Magic is truly a global game,” said a representative from Wizards of the Coast Organized Play. “Make no mistake: Japan is a force to be reckoned with at premiere-level events. Don’t be surprised to see a lot more Japanese players at the top of high level events in the near future, such as Pro Tour Yokohama or maybe even Japan Regionals.”

But Asahara was not the only Japanese player making noise at the event; the Japanese performance was so strong that they pulled off a sweep of the entire top 8! “I think its safe to say that the days of European and American dominance in professional Magic are drawing to a close,” said Aaron Forsythe. “When a Japanese player can win a tournament of hundreds of competitors, including Olivier Ruel, that certainly makes a statement about the level of skill present throughout the Japanese Magic community.”

But the Japanese are not the only ones making strides in the Magic world. The players of Singapore showed that they too are a force to be reckoned with, claiming almost half of the slots in the top 8 of Grand Prix Singapore. Such rising stars and Kelvin Yew Teck Hoon and Chang Chua led the efforts to defend their home turf, allowing only two of the four Americans in attendance to make the top 8. Not only that, but the local players managed to prevent all but one of the two visiting Swedes from winning the tournament, with Mikael Polgary claiming the title.

Wizards Conducts Server Test; 2,500 Lives Hang in the Balance

The major server test conducted last week by Wizards of the Coast for their Magic Online product resulted in a full server crash and several hours of no service, temporarily suspending the lives of thousands of Magic players worldwide. Some estimates had as many as 2500 people registered for the free tournament, all of which found themselves lost with nothing to do for the remainder of their Saturday afternoons until the servers resumed service.

“This is bullshit, I can’t believe this is taking so long to fix,” complained 15-year-old Mitch Wagner of North Pines, TX, while the sun shone and birds chirped outside his living room window. “I guess I’ve got no choice but to sit here and wait until they come back up.” Wagner then resigned himself to making the 22-foot walk to his kitchen, where he proceeded to heat and consume an entire Tombstone sausage pizza.

In response to these events, Wizards of the Coast issued the following statement on their official Magic Online homepage: “We understand that many of you set aside a great deal of time to be a part of Saturday's event, and would like to thank everyone who volunteered their time. However, we’re not going kid ourselves and pretend that your time is actually worth anything, so we will be conducting another large server test on Saturday, April 12. Please notify your parents that they are free to go out that day, provided that they leave you with sufficient food and water.”

To compensate for the failed tournament, Wizards offered several smaller 256-person free events throughout the day. “It’s pretty sad that they managed to get 17 of those small tournaments running,” noted an official from the World Health Organization. “If we assumer an average of 200 players each, that’s like 3400 people each wasting five or more hours of their one life on earth, staring at their computers. Furthermore, the number of Cheetos, cans of Coke, and Pringles consumed by these losers would have provided enough calories to save hundreds from starvation in a third world country. It’s really quite depressing.”

Those players considering participation in the April 12th event are advised to have a backup plan for the day in the event of a server crash, such as taking a walk, going to the gym to work out, or securing a ride to the Saturday night draft from one’s parents.

Rosewater Makes Overture to Black Community With Williams-Lebedowicz Feature Match

It was a very special moment on Day 1 of Pro Tour Venice, when the third round pairings went up to reveal that Osyp Lebedowicz and Dave Williams had been paired in a feature match, the first such pairing between two people who look black, or at least are clearly not white. As reported in Part 1 of Lebedowicz’ Venice report, the following exchange may or may not have taken place:

Before the match started, Dave informs me of something interesting Mark Rosewater says as the Feature matches are going up.
"Wow, two of you in a feature match, that's a first!"-Rosewater
"What do you mean two of us?!?"-Dave
"Uh..I mean....well...What I meant to say was...Ngggg (pulling at his neck collar)"-Rosewater
It was so funny watching him squirm I didn't have the heart to tell him I wasn't black

When asked for comment, Rosewater explained that the Feature Match was part of a new diversity initiative intended to demonstrate that Magic is a game for people of all “age, creed, and color.” “These two young men serve as fine examples of how Magic brings people together,” said Rosewater. “Rather than being in prison for stealing car stereos, they are here competing at the highest level of Magic competition, the Pro Tour. And, for younger players, there is the Junior Super Series, where ‘urban’ youngsters can compete for $1000 in higher education assistance, which should be a nice complement to their basketball scholarships.” Rosewater then announced that he would personally supply malt liquor and bucket of fried chicken to the winner of the historic match.

This is not the first time Rosewater has paid homage to the black community. Last summer, Rosewater was sighted at a screening of the hit movie MIB 2 featuring noted black actor Will Smith. After the show, Rosewater then went to a nearby Burger King, where he requested an “African-American Stack” combo meal.

“Older, Wiser” Jensen Ready to Devote More Time to Magic

Gary Wise has long known that Bill Jensen has as much talent as just about anyone in the game. However, despite playing a fast clean game reminiscent of Kai Budde’s, Jensen never achieved ultimate success due to a misguided set of priorities. All that seems poised to change now though, with back-to-back Top 8 performances signaling the beginning of a new era of dominance. As reported by Gary Wise, Jensen is now a little older and a little wiser and is ready to dedicate himself fully to the game.

“It’s nice to see that Baby Huey has finally come around,” Wise told reporters. “For too long, he was distracted by things like ‘school’ and ‘women’ and ‘real life,’ that have really kept him from hitting the peak of his game. Now, thanks to his newfound motivation, Huey hasn’t been to class in three days because he’s been too busy doing 3-on-3 drafts online, sometimes more than ten a week. It looks like he’s finally gotten his priorities straight.”

Many of Jensen’s friends have noted the change. “Billy used to come down and play basketball with us every Friday, and we’d go to parties and stuff together, but now he just sits at his computer,” said friend Ryan Johnson. “A couple weeks ago, the neighbors called the cops to his room because they thought they could smell a rotting corpse, but it turned out that Will just hadn’t showered for a week because he was too busy ‘testing Slide’ or some shit like that, its really sad.”

Jensen is not the only Pro Tour regular increasing their focus on the game, with the new Masters Series structure promising guaranteed end-of-year payouts to consistent top performers. “I can’t wait to graduate so that I can throw away 22 years of education to become a full time Magic player,” said GP Boston champion Brian Kibler. “And my mom is behind me on this 100%, she’s even set aside a special ‘playtesting lab’ for me in the basement.” Kibler expressed excitement about the new Masters payout, which is expected to allow up to 20 or more players to earn $15,000-20,000+ every year just for playing Magic, allowing them to live like McDonald’s assistant shift managers.

Play of the Week: Plays of the People

I promised to post some of the plays that people send in, so here is a couple that have been sitting around my Inbox for a while. This first one is courtesy of Jiggs Henry of Alvin, TX, which tells of an exciting multiplayer game. I’ll leave it up to you to decide which parts are the funniest:

Just stumbled on your site and I really like it. You want humorous, let me tell you about the game I played friday night with some friends. It was me playing mono red (with splash of white for demystify and castles) goblins (made awesome with brightstone ritual, warbreak trumpeter, goblin dynamos and blaze)and just for fun I had my only goblin sharpshooter in the deck. I played him and was about to start pinging the elves my two opponents were playing (thats right, both were playing elf decks) and the younger of the two decides to play Living Lands, much to the anger and chagrin of my other opponent playing mono green. Due to his pissyness the card did not get played, but I laughed a hearty 5 minutes knowing that I came an inch away from sending every last one of their forests to their graveyards. I lost the game via elf beatdown (yesh there is now elf beatdown) shortly after dealing 12 damage (for the kill) of the younger player that almost helped me by playing the living lands. The 12 damage was a result of a gratuitous violence in play and tap/sacking goblin dynamo for 6 damage (doubled by the gratz)

Then there is this gem from Kelly Koechel which shows the sheer power of morph – not only does it bring a surprise element, but also can pack a huge punch:

It was turn three of game three of my first match at Worlds 2004. My opponent had just unmorphed his grizzly bears and hit me for 22 points of damage. He won that match and felt so bad for me crying he bought me a sandwich and then I ran away.

Thanks to all those who sent in plays, I will post more next week. Until then, keep them coming at cavedan199@yahoo.com.

Retro: The Can of SpaGeddes-O’s



Whenever I’m feeling down, there are always a few comedy classics that can always make me smile. These range from my all-time favorite MiseTings articles to RealUltimatePower to CCGPrime, but the immortal Can of SpaGeddes-O’s tops them all. I don’t know, I think it must be the shoes. Pure genius.

Discuss this article in the Magic: the Gathering Forums!