Kenosha, WI -- A spokesman for "Kids Help Phone," a charitable organization that provides suicide counseling and other programs for troubled teens over the phone, released a statement today apologizing for their decision to hire noted misanthrope Will Brinkman as a phone representative and counselor at the Kenosha regional office.

Suicides have tripled amongst KHP callers since Brinkman's hiring, a startling statistic perhaps explained by recordings of the Midwest Regionals Champion's received calls. In one such encounter, he urges a nervous and unhappy teen to "not be such a barn". In another, he is heard to yell "CUTS!" at a suicidal girl before quickly hanging up the phone.

KHP associate Eric Dietz, human resources manager for the Vancouver-based company since 1995, wasn't able to offer any satisfactory reason for the inexplicable hiring.

"We've run a little short of preppies trying to pad their extra-curriculars for college applications," Dietz lamely announced at a Press Conference on Monday. "We had to start pulling people off the street, and Will happened to run past the office- he was chasing a preschooler and yelling 'Santa Claus is a lie!'"

The conference, attended by Dietz and members of the associated press, was convened to explain why numerous KHP callers had contacted the agency in time of strife, only to be referred to as "such shit" and "stains" by the supposedly competent counseling staff.

"We deeply regret the error," said Dietz to close his remarks.

KHP, a non-profit organization, is currently seeking government assistance to deal with over 130 "wrongful death" lawsuits. All were filed near-simultaneously by relatives and associates of those driven to take their own lives after being "counseled" by Brinkman.

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Kenosha, WI -- A spokesman for "Kids Help Phone," a charitable organization that provides suicide counseling and other programs for troubled teens over the phone, released a statement today apologizing for their decision to hire noted misanthrope Will Brinkman as a phone representative and counselor at the Kenosha regional office.

Suicides have tripled amongst KHP callers since Brinkman's hiring, a startling statistic perhaps explained by recordings of the Midwest Regionals Champion's received calls. In one such encounter, he urges a nervous and unhappy teen to "not be such a barn". In another, he is heard to yell "CUTS!" at a suicidal girl before quickly hanging up the phone.

KHP associate Eric Dietz, human resources manager for the Vancouver-based company since 1995, wasn't able to offer any satisfactory reason for the inexplicable hiring.

"We've run a little short of preppies trying to pad their extra-curriculars for college applications," Dietz lamely announced at a Press Conference on Monday. "We had to start pulling people off the street, and Will happened to run past the office- he was chasing a preschooler and yelling 'Santa Claus is a lie!'"

The conference, attended by Dietz and members of the associated press, was convened to explain why numerous KHP callers had contacted the agency in time of strife, only to be referred to as "such shit" and "stains" by the supposedly competent counseling staff.

"We deeply regret the error," said Dietz to close his remarks.

KHP, a non-profit organization, is currently seeking government assistance to deal with over 130 "wrongful death" lawsuits. All were filed near-simultaneously by relatives and associates of those driven to take their own lives after being "counseled" by Brinkman.

Discuss this article in the Magic: the Gathering Forums!