Patron Wizard is ba-roken. There is no Wild Mongrel in the room.
YET ANOTHER editorial by Nathan “Reverend Bob the Junkie” Woodall

I bitch constantly about the latest block. One of the top standard decks right now is Elves. ELVES. Alone. Mono-color, even. Pointy-eared harbingers of do-gooder tree-hugging henanigans and homoerotic undertones. The deck practically builds itself. Tribal my ass, the card numbers at the bottom may as well be marked “Card number 26-30 in the mono-green deck, w00t!” And R&D wonders why people bitch? Well, at least now it’s official that the obvious REALLY IS pretty hard for them to grasp sometimes.

You know, as far as that whole Patron Wizard thing goes, I think the situation pretty much speaks for itself. Emperor’s Clothes, anyone? I wonder if the ‘special brownies’ had anything to do with it…

Non Sequitur for the day:
Has anyone else ever noticed how if you are drunk and slurring your words, or worked up into just enough of a foaming & fuming frenzy, “R&D” sounds just like “Randy”? Damn, that’s eerie…

Rolling on…

Imagine, if you will, a grand homosexual gangbang, full of slurping and groping. In the pile of testosterone and lust-thralls, there are people you recognize. Name faces, gamers you respect, people you may even know. These people are violating their fellow hedonists in horrible ways in an effort to climb, grasp, and grope their way to the top of the greasy, seething pile of appendages where the only thing they will have to do is receive blowjobs from willing and blind worshippers. Of course, my description is purposefully short and leaves out much of the more obscene debauchery. If you REALLY wanted to see the biggest verbal circle-jerk in the history of Magic, then you’d have to click HERE, and HERE, and also HERE. I wouldn’t recommend it, however; you’re safer here with me (hehehe…).

This “writer’s hall of fame” is one of the silliest ideas I have ever witnessed. Good luck getting objectivity from competing websites and authors. Everyone has their little favorites; everyone has their friends to vote for. And every 16-yr old on his short-bus lunch break is going to slime into every forum discussion with his own narrated little knob polishing for all to see.

And god forbid anyone should realize that honoring people SOLELY for playing or writing about a game, ESPECIALLY Magic, is just a huge moral vacuum...

What a waste of time and resources.

Speaking of wasting time and resources, how many other folks get the same feeling reading this fluffy crap? I can just about see the author on street corners outside of prereleases, beckoning to little gamers...

“Say there Timmy, have you ever heard of a Black Lotus? Is that so? Well, tell me Timmy, do you like movies about gladiators?”

I could ALMOST forgive this unabashed filler material if it were better written and the subject material wasn’t so goddamned self-evident to begin with (and posted on MagictheGathering.com instead of Sideboard of all places!). Does anyone even edit Sideboard.com anymore? Is R&D sharing the brownies? Where’s the real content? I could shit this kind of article in my sleep! The articles should all be edited to end with “Join me next week when I will once again make your eyes bleed by pummeling you shamelessly with the blindingly obvious!”

Oh look, more Non Sequitur:
I liked Onslaught. Legions was an abysmal waste of wood-pulp. Scourge is no Apocalypse, but it’s better than Legions (granted, that isn’t saying much). I wonder if WotC can write off their shit sets/blocks as advertisements or marketing expenses for the next block? I know I’m looking forward to Mirrodin already, even though the new card layout is going to be hideous. Meh...

In closing, two things:

First, I know you elf players are out there. I've seen you. I've seen your shitty decks. I'm ready for you now. I have two words for you: Maindeck Starstorm.

When I wipe your little army of pansies right onto the floor, I'm going to laugh and make fun of you. I have no sympathy. You will die, you will cry, and then you will get the hell away from me. Hippy-deck playing commie bastards.

Second, as promised, here is the first example of submitted sportsmanship from a reader of the truth that I speak (thanks Tony!):
quote:

GPNJ 2002: the speaker system sucks.

My hearing is a little sub-par and I can't hear what the Rune Horvik is saying as the tournament is getting started. I express my frustration. Jon Finkel hears me and passes along everything the judges say. Szigeti and Clegg (his teammates for the event) are looking at him like he is crazy for wasting breath on some random scrub, but he faithfully passes along every word. Just for me. *sniff*

True story.

Any and all other submissions can be sent to BobtheJunky@hotmail.com and I will faithfully place the best examples of REAL sportsmanship at the end of any and every article I ever write.

That's it for now, untill next time, may you avoid Canada like the PLAGUE!!!

Discuss this article in the Magic: the Gathering Forums!

Patron Wizard is ba-roken. There is no Wild Mongrel in the room.
YET ANOTHER editorial by Nathan “Reverend Bob the Junkie” Woodall

I bitch constantly about the latest block. One of the top standard decks right now is Elves. ELVES. Alone. Mono-color, even. Pointy-eared harbingers of do-gooder tree-hugging henanigans and homoerotic undertones. The deck practically builds itself. Tribal my ass, the card numbers at the bottom may as well be marked “Card number 26-30 in the mono-green deck, w00t!” And R&D wonders why people bitch? Well, at least now it’s official that the obvious REALLY IS pretty hard for them to grasp sometimes.

You know, as far as that whole Patron Wizard thing goes, I think the situation pretty much speaks for itself. Emperor’s Clothes, anyone? I wonder if the ‘special brownies’ had anything to do with it…

Non Sequitur for the day:
Has anyone else ever noticed how if you are drunk and slurring your words, or worked up into just enough of a foaming & fuming frenzy, “R&D” sounds just like “Randy”? Damn, that’s eerie…

Rolling on…

Imagine, if you will, a grand homosexual gangbang, full of slurping and groping. In the pile of testosterone and lust-thralls, there are people you recognize. Name faces, gamers you respect, people you may even know. These people are violating their fellow hedonists in horrible ways in an effort to climb, grasp, and grope their way to the top of the greasy, seething pile of appendages where the only thing they will have to do is receive blowjobs from willing and blind worshippers. Of course, my description is purposefully short and leaves out much of the more obscene debauchery. If you REALLY wanted to see the biggest verbal circle-jerk in the history of Magic, then you’d have to click HERE, and HERE, and also HERE. I wouldn’t recommend it, however; you’re safer here with me (hehehe…).

This “writer’s hall of fame” is one of the silliest ideas I have ever witnessed. Good luck getting objectivity from competing websites and authors. Everyone has their little favorites; everyone has their friends to vote for. And every 16-yr old on his short-bus lunch break is going to slime into every forum discussion with his own narrated little knob polishing for all to see.

And god forbid anyone should realize that honoring people SOLELY for playing or writing about a game, ESPECIALLY Magic, is just a huge moral vacuum...

What a waste of time and resources.

Speaking of wasting time and resources, how many other folks get the same feeling reading this fluffy crap? I can just about see the author on street corners outside of prereleases, beckoning to little gamers...

“Say there Timmy, have you ever heard of a Black Lotus? Is that so? Well, tell me Timmy, do you like movies about gladiators?”

I could ALMOST forgive this unabashed filler material if it were better written and the subject material wasn’t so goddamned self-evident to begin with (and posted on MagictheGathering.com instead of Sideboard of all places!). Does anyone even edit Sideboard.com anymore? Is R&D sharing the brownies? Where’s the real content? I could shit this kind of article in my sleep! The articles should all be edited to end with “Join me next week when I will once again make your eyes bleed by pummeling you shamelessly with the blindingly obvious!”

Oh look, more Non Sequitur:
I liked Onslaught. Legions was an abysmal waste of wood-pulp. Scourge is no Apocalypse, but it’s better than Legions (granted, that isn’t saying much). I wonder if WotC can write off their shit sets/blocks as advertisements or marketing expenses for the next block? I know I’m looking forward to Mirrodin already, even though the new card layout is going to be hideous. Meh...

In closing, two things:

First, I know you elf players are out there. I've seen you. I've seen your shitty decks. I'm ready for you now. I have two words for you: Maindeck Starstorm.

When I wipe your little army of pansies right onto the floor, I'm going to laugh and make fun of you. I have no sympathy. You will die, you will cry, and then you will get the hell away from me. Hippy-deck playing commie bastards.

Second, as promised, here is the first example of submitted sportsmanship from a reader of the truth that I speak (thanks Tony!):
quote:

GPNJ 2002: the speaker system sucks.

My hearing is a little sub-par and I can't hear what the Rune Horvik is saying as the tournament is getting started. I express my frustration. Jon Finkel hears me and passes along everything the judges say. Szigeti and Clegg (his teammates for the event) are looking at him like he is crazy for wasting breath on some random scrub, but he faithfully passes along every word. Just for me. *sniff*

True story.

Any and all other submissions can be sent to BobtheJunky@hotmail.com and I will faithfully place the best examples of REAL sportsmanship at the end of any and every article I ever write.

That's it for now, untill next time, may you avoid Canada like the PLAGUE!!!

Discuss this article in the Magic: the Gathering Forums!