So, it's 9:50 AM and we're back on the highway, still trying to find the tournament site. We've been off on the right exit twice, but have stupidly ended up right back out on the highway again before we can figure out where we're supposed to go. As we drive aimlessly, Todd Richard tells us stories about how he used to live in the corner apartment of the large building that we're passing. Yet somehow we're still lost. Todd has gravitated to a story about how his Dad was the national poker champion. That, and the adult video company he worked at as a cashier where 'talent' would slap a certain piece of themselves on the counter as a way of letting him know that they were to get preferential treatment.

Needless to say, it's starting to get thick in the car.

We finally pull up in front of the place, find a parking spot and hurry inside. As we get there, the TO is making an announcement that it's 'last call' for registration. We rush to the counter to pay The Man, and as I reach into my bag for my wallet I realize that I've left it home, along with my brand new sleeves. I explain to The Man that I just have to get the money quickly and that I'm in. I end up trying to make a deal with the dealer. Unfortunately, the dealer at this event is Dick Michelle, who we're all familiar with. See, Dick basically likes to trade for a living, which meant that I wasn't getting any 'deals'. A foil Gilded Lotus and four dual lands later, and I've got my entry fee and new sleeves. . . and the feeling that I had a career as a male prostitute in my previous lifetime.

My name is Adam Kesher, PTQ scrub and witness to more inane randomness than anyone on Jimmy's green Earth. And this is my story.

As we sit down for deck construction, I notice that my pal Shawn Lovelett is at the same table. He's decided that he won't be speaking English at all today. Instead, he's speaking some random Star Wars language. For his opponent's sake, he's brought an entire set of cue cards with him so that they can communicate. Yes, the man is strange. But at the same time, the man is truly classic.

I end up with a pretty good deck and am happy with it. Soon, pairings are up and we rush off to our seats for the first round.

I sit down, and realize that of course my first round opponent is the same Todd Richard that I've drove all of this way with. It never fails. We shuffle up and I've got the early advantage. Meanwhile, Todd entertains everyone with stories about how he was a gun smuggler for some European revolution. Because Todd is so animated, he somehow catches his jeans on the table and completely splits them from crotch to knee. Next thing I know, he's exclaiming to all to "check this out". Unfortunately, my gut reaction is to look and see what the hell he's talking about. I'm treated to entirely more of Todd than I've ever wanted to be privy to. We manage to focus on the game for a few minutes, and my deck completely overpowers his misbuilt creation and I quickly escape to more sane areas.

Trust me though; things are just starting to get interesting.

In the other corner of the room, Shawn is facing off with a frequent PTQ'er. Shawn, who's easily agitated, has already abandoned his cue card system. So much for that. He's in a vehement argument with his opponent, who continually insists on calling him Popeye. Seconds later, Shawn has reached his boiling point and has his hands around his opponent's neck. I manage to calm the man down and he quickly realizes he can't be doing this. Shawn starts to berate himself loudly, referring to himself in many a profane way. The opponent then calls for the judge, and Shawn is stabbed with a warning for insulting himself! Priceless.

This is why we bring the man. Entertainment like this you just cannot buy.

A few tables over I hear a loud "BAM!" and move on to see what Dan Ward is up to. He's also been issued a warning by the judges. I guess we're outlaws today or something. You see, Dan likes to do this trademark maneuver where he slams him hand down on the table and yells "BAM!". This time, his BAM has sent cards, dice, etc flying all over the place, and everyone is furious at him. His opponent is very upset about the goings on, and Dan starts berating the man saying that he's gay. Well, the judge is none to happy with this, and Dan is given a match loss. Dan's response of course, is that it doesn't matter because the opponent is still gay.

I take a quick trip outside to clear my head a little. Some of the local young PTQ punks are there outside the venue playing Texas Hold'em. This group includes Shane and Brendon Echevarria, Zack Ciruazck and Derek Snyder's two brothers Kevin and Travis Jones. I like Brendon. He’s got a small dyed-white afro for hair, just like Sisqo. Somehow, this cat came to owe ‘favors’ to George. Instead, Brendon agreed to sing the entire first verse from “The Thong Song” on George’s every command for some unspecified amount of time. They're all laughing hysterically and I ask them what the hubbub is all about. It seems that Shane has taken a collection from everyone because Travis wants $100 to set his genitals on fire. No joking.

I decide that inside may be more sane after all.

As I get back inside, it turns out that I'm late for pairings. I see both Dan and Shawn talking to Todd and they stop me before I can rush to my seat. Dan and Shawn have dropped from the tournament, frustrated at management. Todd wants to leave to get new pants. The problem is (apparently, other than the fact that I'm still enrolled) that George Resso is still playing and refuses to drop. George is playing against some PT regular who he feels cheated him out of a match one time years back. I tell them that I need to sit down for pairings, and hope that they'll decide to stick around instead.

As I sit down, my opponent informs me that I already have a game loss for this round because I'm late. Wonderful. Seeing that I'm frustrated with this, he introduces himself as Loren Lacon and apologizes for that formality. Loren has a head of hair somewhat similar to the comedian Carrot Top, so by that virtue alone I decide that I should just settle down and play fair. Finally, back to Magic: the Gathering - Loren gets out an early Mindslaver. Suddenly I have one turn to get myself out of a pickle but can't really think of any way to do it. I play some more dudes and pass the turn. On Loren's turn, he thinks for a bit. Then he activates the Mindslaver with a simple proclamation of "Bend Over". On my turn he makes me Grab my own Reins and he has this one in the bag. We're interrupted by his buddy "Deputy Andy", who is a small fellow that's basically a real live elf. And no, not the movie.

A funny aside. Speaking of the movie "Elf", my mother was going on yesterday how she thought that the lead character was Bob from the latest installment of "The Batchelor". When I tell her that it's in actuality Will Ferrell, she responds "the guy from Nine Inch Nails?". No, I don't get it either.

Back in reality, this Deputy Andy character is rambling on about how he's trying to trade with the dealer for Eternal Dragons and Decree of Justice for a U/W Control deck. For whatever reason, he seems to refer to anything that starts with "D" only by that first letter. For instance, 'Eternal D'. Knowing the dealer that he's talking about is Dick Michelle, I seemingly make Deputy Andy's day when I retort with "why don't you try to get them from 'D' Michelle".

About that point we're interrupted by a loud shout from the other side of the room. The phrase "It doesn't matter..." was the exact statement, and I instantly know that it has to be George's doing. I quickly finish my game with Loren, losing 0-2, to go see what the commotion is. I come to find out that George and his opponent had gotten into an argument about one of the game phases and such, and a judge made an arbitrary ruling to resolve it. George was forced to shuffle a card in his hand back into his library and draw another card or something. The funny part is that he drew the exact same card that had caused the grumbling to begin with. The opponent had then called the judge back over and was complaining some more. George, ever the agitator, had since then been asking the opponent to count cards in his library, graveyard, hand, etc, turn after turn. When the opponent finally got the win, George had then asked if the opponent was "happy now". Before he could even begin to answer, George of course stood up and loudly roared in a voice and style that would make Dwayne Johnson proud,

"It doesn't matter if you're happy now!!!"

Complete silence fell over the room as George stormed away from his seat. I decided that leaving now wouldn't be so bad. After quickly informing the TO that I was dropping from the event, I made a hasty exit from the site.

While waiting for the rest of my compatriots to come outside, I again saw the local punks playing Hold'em. Travis Jones was conspicuously absent this time. Brendon Echevarria starts telling me the story about his Travis did indeed light his genitals on fire. I guess the deal was that Travis' brother Kevin was supposed to throw his drink onto the flaming genitalia to help put the fire out. What happened instead, was that when he threw the drink onto him it didn't at all put the fire out. I asked him what he was drinking, and he said it was some energy drink called Fructade or something. Oh well, so much for that. I guess if anyone is planning on recreating this stunt at least they'll know not to use such liquids.

Soon, we're all back in the car on the way home. Almost immediately, Todd back telling stories about how he and his cousin 'D' (wow, if only Deputy Andy was here to hear that one) had flown a hooker all the way here from Seattle for a weekend "so that they could tag team her". I bust out my old school Walkman and put on the best CD ever: "The Best of Stivic and Evildix (The Ellsworth Edition)". It's a CD full of calls made by Derek Snyder and George Resso's 'pornstar' nephew Stivic. It's a complete classic that blows the Jerky Boys away in an instant. In fact, if anyone wants a copy of this CD feel free to contact me. Don't worry, it's not copy written material or anything. The FBI won't be showing up on your doorstep.

We stop at some broken down mall off of the Thruway. Thankfully, Todd picks up a new pair of pants. We eat dinner, and prepare ourselves for possibly the most classic event ever: Shawn Lovelett becoming intoxicated. The man has style, nobody can deny that. He's drinking a Captain Morgan wine cooler with his head all the way back until the entire bottle is gone. Before we can get the waitress to return with another bottle, Shawn is already done. He goes face first into the dinner table. Hilarious.

Later on we get a few more in him and wander into the mall searching for fun. We decide to wander through the arcade and have a quick brainstorm. We'll make Shawn play Dance Dance Revolution while he's in such a heavily polluted state! What follows was without a doubt the most hilarious segment of my entire life. To truly enjoy this you'll need to get a good mental image of Shawn. The easiest thing to do is imagine Danny Devito as The Penguin from Batman Returns. Now, Shawn is stumbling all over this machine while trying to play this game. People are starting to gather to watch this even. He doesn't last long, as even the game informs him that "you suck". Some other random soul starts playing the game, and with a little convincing, we get Shawn to get up behind the guy and practice his moves. The crowd seems to love it. This, my friends, is true reality TV.

Afterwards, we're home and I ponder yet another weekend playing Magic: the Gathering. As I said before, you simply can't buy entertainment like this!!! Feel free to leave me some feedback on the report, and I hope you enjoyed my escapades as much as I have!

Adam
kesher_17@yahoo.com

Discuss this article in the Magic: the Gathering Forums!

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So, it's 9:50 AM and we're back on the highway, still trying to find the tournament site. We've been off on the right exit twice, but have stupidly ended up right back out on the highway again before we can figure out where we're supposed to go. As we drive aimlessly, Todd Richard tells us stories about how he used to live in the corner apartment of the large building that we're passing. Yet somehow we're still lost. Todd has gravitated to a story about how his Dad was the national poker champion. That, and the adult video company he worked at as a cashier where 'talent' would slap a certain piece of themselves on the counter as a way of letting him know that they were to get preferential treatment.

Needless to say, it's starting to get thick in the car.

We finally pull up in front of the place, find a parking spot and hurry inside. As we get there, the TO is making an announcement that it's 'last call' for registration. We rush to the counter to pay The Man, and as I reach into my bag for my wallet I realize that I've left it home, along with my brand new sleeves. I explain to The Man that I just have to get the money quickly and that I'm in. I end up trying to make a deal with the dealer. Unfortunately, the dealer at this event is Dick Michelle, who we're all familiar with. See, Dick basically likes to trade for a living, which meant that I wasn't getting any 'deals'. A foil Gilded Lotus and four dual lands later, and I've got my entry fee and new sleeves. . . and the feeling that I had a career as a male prostitute in my previous lifetime.

My name is Adam Kesher, PTQ scrub and witness to more inane randomness than anyone on Jimmy's green Earth. And this is my story.

As we sit down for deck construction, I notice that my pal Shawn Lovelett is at the same table. He's decided that he won't be speaking English at all today. Instead, he's speaking some random Star Wars language. For his opponent's sake, he's brought an entire set of cue cards with him so that they can communicate. Yes, the man is strange. But at the same time, the man is truly classic.

I end up with a pretty good deck and am happy with it. Soon, pairings are up and we rush off to our seats for the first round.

I sit down, and realize that of course my first round opponent is the same Todd Richard that I've drove all of this way with. It never fails. We shuffle up and I've got the early advantage. Meanwhile, Todd entertains everyone with stories about how he was a gun smuggler for some European revolution. Because Todd is so animated, he somehow catches his jeans on the table and completely splits them from crotch to knee. Next thing I know, he's exclaiming to all to "check this out". Unfortunately, my gut reaction is to look and see what the hell he's talking about. I'm treated to entirely more of Todd than I've ever wanted to be privy to. We manage to focus on the game for a few minutes, and my deck completely overpowers his misbuilt creation and I quickly escape to more sane areas.

Trust me though; things are just starting to get interesting.

In the other corner of the room, Shawn is facing off with a frequent PTQ'er. Shawn, who's easily agitated, has already abandoned his cue card system. So much for that. He's in a vehement argument with his opponent, who continually insists on calling him Popeye. Seconds later, Shawn has reached his boiling point and has his hands around his opponent's neck. I manage to calm the man down and he quickly realizes he can't be doing this. Shawn starts to berate himself loudly, referring to himself in many a profane way. The opponent then calls for the judge, and Shawn is stabbed with a warning for insulting himself! Priceless.

This is why we bring the man. Entertainment like this you just cannot buy.

A few tables over I hear a loud "BAM!" and move on to see what Dan Ward is up to. He's also been issued a warning by the judges. I guess we're outlaws today or something. You see, Dan likes to do this trademark maneuver where he slams him hand down on the table and yells "BAM!". This time, his BAM has sent cards, dice, etc flying all over the place, and everyone is furious at him. His opponent is very upset about the goings on, and Dan starts berating the man saying that he's gay. Well, the judge is none to happy with this, and Dan is given a match loss. Dan's response of course, is that it doesn't matter because the opponent is still gay.

I take a quick trip outside to clear my head a little. Some of the local young PTQ punks are there outside the venue playing Texas Hold'em. This group includes Shane and Brendon Echevarria, Zack Ciruazck and Derek Snyder's two brothers Kevin and Travis Jones. I like Brendon. He’s got a small dyed-white afro for hair, just like Sisqo. Somehow, this cat came to owe ‘favors’ to George. Instead, Brendon agreed to sing the entire first verse from “The Thong Song” on George’s every command for some unspecified amount of time. They're all laughing hysterically and I ask them what the hubbub is all about. It seems that Shane has taken a collection from everyone because Travis wants $100 to set his genitals on fire. No joking.

I decide that inside may be more sane after all.

As I get back inside, it turns out that I'm late for pairings. I see both Dan and Shawn talking to Todd and they stop me before I can rush to my seat. Dan and Shawn have dropped from the tournament, frustrated at management. Todd wants to leave to get new pants. The problem is (apparently, other than the fact that I'm still enrolled) that George Resso is still playing and refuses to drop. George is playing against some PT regular who he feels cheated him out of a match one time years back. I tell them that I need to sit down for pairings, and hope that they'll decide to stick around instead.

As I sit down, my opponent informs me that I already have a game loss for this round because I'm late. Wonderful. Seeing that I'm frustrated with this, he introduces himself as Loren Lacon and apologizes for that formality. Loren has a head of hair somewhat similar to the comedian Carrot Top, so by that virtue alone I decide that I should just settle down and play fair. Finally, back to Magic: the Gathering - Loren gets out an early Mindslaver. Suddenly I have one turn to get myself out of a pickle but can't really think of any way to do it. I play some more dudes and pass the turn. On Loren's turn, he thinks for a bit. Then he activates the Mindslaver with a simple proclamation of "Bend Over". On my turn he makes me Grab my own Reins and he has this one in the bag. We're interrupted by his buddy "Deputy Andy", who is a small fellow that's basically a real live elf. And no, not the movie.

A funny aside. Speaking of the movie "Elf", my mother was going on yesterday how she thought that the lead character was Bob from the latest installment of "The Batchelor". When I tell her that it's in actuality Will Ferrell, she responds "the guy from Nine Inch Nails?". No, I don't get it either.

Back in reality, this Deputy Andy character is rambling on about how he's trying to trade with the dealer for Eternal Dragons and Decree of Justice for a U/W Control deck. For whatever reason, he seems to refer to anything that starts with "D" only by that first letter. For instance, 'Eternal D'. Knowing the dealer that he's talking about is Dick Michelle, I seemingly make Deputy Andy's day when I retort with "why don't you try to get them from 'D' Michelle".

About that point we're interrupted by a loud shout from the other side of the room. The phrase "It doesn't matter..." was the exact statement, and I instantly know that it has to be George's doing. I quickly finish my game with Loren, losing 0-2, to go see what the commotion is. I come to find out that George and his opponent had gotten into an argument about one of the game phases and such, and a judge made an arbitrary ruling to resolve it. George was forced to shuffle a card in his hand back into his library and draw another card or something. The funny part is that he drew the exact same card that had caused the grumbling to begin with. The opponent had then called the judge back over and was complaining some more. George, ever the agitator, had since then been asking the opponent to count cards in his library, graveyard, hand, etc, turn after turn. When the opponent finally got the win, George had then asked if the opponent was "happy now". Before he could even begin to answer, George of course stood up and loudly roared in a voice and style that would make Dwayne Johnson proud,

"It doesn't matter if you're happy now!!!"

Complete silence fell over the room as George stormed away from his seat. I decided that leaving now wouldn't be so bad. After quickly informing the TO that I was dropping from the event, I made a hasty exit from the site.

While waiting for the rest of my compatriots to come outside, I again saw the local punks playing Hold'em. Travis Jones was conspicuously absent this time. Brendon Echevarria starts telling me the story about his Travis did indeed light his genitals on fire. I guess the deal was that Travis' brother Kevin was supposed to throw his drink onto the flaming genitalia to help put the fire out. What happened instead, was that when he threw the drink onto him it didn't at all put the fire out. I asked him what he was drinking, and he said it was some energy drink called Fructade or something. Oh well, so much for that. I guess if anyone is planning on recreating this stunt at least they'll know not to use such liquids.

Soon, we're all back in the car on the way home. Almost immediately, Todd back telling stories about how he and his cousin 'D' (wow, if only Deputy Andy was here to hear that one) had flown a hooker all the way here from Seattle for a weekend "so that they could tag team her". I bust out my old school Walkman and put on the best CD ever: "The Best of Stivic and Evildix (The Ellsworth Edition)". It's a CD full of calls made by Derek Snyder and George Resso's 'pornstar' nephew Stivic. It's a complete classic that blows the Jerky Boys away in an instant. In fact, if anyone wants a copy of this CD feel free to contact me. Don't worry, it's not copy written material or anything. The FBI won't be showing up on your doorstep.

We stop at some broken down mall off of the Thruway. Thankfully, Todd picks up a new pair of pants. We eat dinner, and prepare ourselves for possibly the most classic event ever: Shawn Lovelett becoming intoxicated. The man has style, nobody can deny that. He's drinking a Captain Morgan wine cooler with his head all the way back until the entire bottle is gone. Before we can get the waitress to return with another bottle, Shawn is already done. He goes face first into the dinner table. Hilarious.

Later on we get a few more in him and wander into the mall searching for fun. We decide to wander through the arcade and have a quick brainstorm. We'll make Shawn play Dance Dance Revolution while he's in such a heavily polluted state! What follows was without a doubt the most hilarious segment of my entire life. To truly enjoy this you'll need to get a good mental image of Shawn. The easiest thing to do is imagine Danny Devito as The Penguin from Batman Returns. Now, Shawn is stumbling all over this machine while trying to play this game. People are starting to gather to watch this even. He doesn't last long, as even the game informs him that "you suck". Some other random soul starts playing the game, and with a little convincing, we get Shawn to get up behind the guy and practice his moves. The crowd seems to love it. This, my friends, is true reality TV.

Afterwards, we're home and I ponder yet another weekend playing Magic: the Gathering. As I said before, you simply can't buy entertainment like this!!! Feel free to leave me some feedback on the report, and I hope you enjoyed my escapades as much as I have!

Adam
kesher_17@yahoo.com

Discuss this article in the Magic: the Gathering Forums!

Related Stories

• PT: Betty Crocker Report *1st*
• Template For Creating an Interesting and Well-Read Tournament Report
• Internet Writer Revolutionizes Tournament Reports with New "Card-by-Card Anal