First of all, I'd like to thank Arun Sharma for scooping to me in the quarterfinals of the qualifier I won. I offered him a handjob afterwards, but he wouldn't accept no matter how hard I tried. Regardless, he knows the offer still stands. I'd also like to thank dbuel and HBK4178 for helping me out with this article because let's face it, there's really no way to make me funny other than to have other people rewrite every damn thing I say. Then again, making me funny is kinda like asking Benafel to put down the chair.

Anyway, when I first qualified for Pro Tour Amsterdam, the running joke was people asking me what I'd do if I won. I really wasn't sure. How much beer, pot, and hookers could you buy for thirty grand? (From what I hear $3000 will buy you a night with two girls in the presidential suite at The Mustang Ranch.)

Unfortunately, when all was said and done I'd have to satisfy myself. . . knowing I at least performed better than Johnny Magic. Although I didn't win, there is a fairly respectable list of Grand Prix, Pro Tour, Invitational, National, and World Championship winners whom I placed better than. You may recognize some of these names:

Mattias Jorstedt, Bob Maher, Sigurd Eskeland, Justin Gary, Alex Shvartsman, Rick Moranis, Tommi Hovi, Dirk Baberowski, Phil Freneau, Daniel Zink, Johnny Magic, Darwin Kastle

I'm sure you're wondering how I managed beat all of those people, so let me tell you.

My first draft went pretty well. Running the Scepter/Annul/triple Shatter/Electrostatic Bolt/Shrapnel Blast combo wasn't the worst. First round I go up against Gabe Walls. Though his deck is the only one at the table that actually stands a chance against me, and he's the only player at the table I respect, I'm supremely confident I can and will beat him. Seriously, how can anyone lose with triple Shatter in this format?

He beats me into a bloody pulp two straight games with double Spikeshot Goblin. That guy is a total fucker (the goblin, that is). Afterwards, Gabe and I played several games for fun and we come out pretty even. Any given Sunday?

Round two, The Powers That Be (aka Ray Powers) comes over and informs me of a deckcheck. I hand my deck over confidently considering I've never failed a deck check. Ever. I know he'll hand back my perfectly registered deck that has absolutely zero mistakes, and I will proceed to smash the fuck out of my opponent who has drafted like complete and utter shit (I think he might have even been running Elvish Pioneer). In fact, when The Powers returns my perfectly registered deck, there will be a look on his face of recognition as to the serious asswhipping my opponent is about to receive.

Instead he calls me over and wants to discuss my deck. He says I've got 38 cards and though it sucks, there's nothing I can do (kinda like blueballs).

Guess there's a first for everything. Needless to say, I walk over and shake my opponent's hand and congratulate him on his win. Can you believe it was that bastard's only win of the day?

At this point, I have to 4-0 to make Day 2. I know I can do it... especially since the next round I get my first match win against none other than the much heralded and world renowned "BYE". I owned him.

I felt that my deck was a 2-1 deck, so considering it pulled a 1-2 I can't say I was all too pleased. The deck had some solid cards, but I knew the next draft would be better. I'd smash all the one-pump chumps who managed to win 10-man qualifers in Alaska and Zimbabwe. That said, there was an unexpected Pro Tour Champion at my table by the name of Justin Gary.

Give you one guess which judge was there at my table to kick me in the nuts just a little bit more? I jokingly ask The Powers, "So just to make sure I'm clear - what exactly are the match-lossable offenses while drafting?"

"Short of gross misconduct, pretty much nothing... except registering a 38 card deck."

That filthy slut!

Though it was funny that one of the scrubs decided that it would be a brilliant idea if everybody at the table continued to only draft Justin's colors. We all laughed heartily... and Justin laughed nervously. He wasn't quite sure if the entire table was laughing because it was a joke, or because it wasn't. Either way it doesn't matter because I finished higher than him as well. God I'm so fucking good at this game. Anyway, I guess they should have reprinted Cognivore in Mirrodin just so poor Justin could have a chance.

We start the draft and I'm Number 2. The guy to my right opens a solid artifact that I can't remember and Pentavus.

Obviously he takes the other card and the table groans at my 2nd pick Pentavus. Then I open my pack and decide that I might as well take the elephant and add it to my pile. Have I mentioned how good I am at Magic? The draft continues, and I just keep dropping my sack all over everybody's chins.

The table again groans when in the last pack, Justin in seat 8 opens up Spikeshot Goblin, some randomly okay artifact, and Clockwork Dragon. Give ya one guess who ended up running two 7cc rares.

It was clear that as long as my opponents didn't get an insanely fast draw, I'd rip them all a new one. Yes, all of them. New ones. Against my first opponent, this strategy works like a charm and he goes down like an Amsterdam hooker. Next opponent, first game I do the same thing again and finally know I'm on my way to Day 2 without a doubt. Games 2 and 3, however, do not go quite so well. In both, my opponent plays turn 2 Leonin Skyhunter and turn 3 Vulshock Battlegear and continues to beat me down harder than LA cops with nightsticks.

At this point, I figure I might as well play the last round. After all, that's what I came here to do and I'd not really had the opportunity to play many matches. For the final round, I was paired against somebody I had savagely beaten earlier in the day...

"BYE" didn't stand a chance against me.

Yeah, that's right. I played a total of 3 matches and finished with a 3-3 record. I had as many byes as I did actual losses. With the tournament over, I knew it was time to enjoy some of the better parts of the city. After all, I didn't need $30,000 to make good use of Amsterdam's finest... just don't tell my girlfriend.

Discuss this article in the Magic: the Gathering Forums!

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First of all, I'd like to thank Arun Sharma for scooping to me in the quarterfinals of the qualifier I won. I offered him a handjob afterwards, but he wouldn't accept no matter how hard I tried. Regardless, he knows the offer still stands. I'd also like to thank dbuel and HBK4178 for helping me out with this article because let's face it, there's really no way to make me funny other than to have other people rewrite every damn thing I say. Then again, making me funny is kinda like asking Benafel to put down the chair.

Anyway, when I first qualified for Pro Tour Amsterdam, the running joke was people asking me what I'd do if I won. I really wasn't sure. How much beer, pot, and hookers could you buy for thirty grand? (From what I hear $3000 will buy you a night with two girls in the presidential suite at The Mustang Ranch.)

Unfortunately, when all was said and done I'd have to satisfy myself. . . knowing I at least performed better than Johnny Magic. Although I didn't win, there is a fairly respectable list of Grand Prix, Pro Tour, Invitational, National, and World Championship winners whom I placed better than. You may recognize some of these names:

Mattias Jorstedt, Bob Maher, Sigurd Eskeland, Justin Gary, Alex Shvartsman, Rick Moranis, Tommi Hovi, Dirk Baberowski, Phil Freneau, Daniel Zink, Johnny Magic, Darwin Kastle

I'm sure you're wondering how I managed beat all of those people, so let me tell you.

My first draft went pretty well. Running the Scepter/Annul/triple Shatter/Electrostatic Bolt/Shrapnel Blast combo wasn't the worst. First round I go up against Gabe Walls. Though his deck is the only one at the table that actually stands a chance against me, and he's the only player at the table I respect, I'm supremely confident I can and will beat him. Seriously, how can anyone lose with triple Shatter in this format?

He beats me into a bloody pulp two straight games with double Spikeshot Goblin. That guy is a total fucker (the goblin, that is). Afterwards, Gabe and I played several games for fun and we come out pretty even. Any given Sunday?

Round two, The Powers That Be (aka Ray Powers) comes over and informs me of a deckcheck. I hand my deck over confidently considering I've never failed a deck check. Ever. I know he'll hand back my perfectly registered deck that has absolutely zero mistakes, and I will proceed to smash the fuck out of my opponent who has drafted like complete and utter shit (I think he might have even been running Elvish Pioneer). In fact, when The Powers returns my perfectly registered deck, there will be a look on his face of recognition as to the serious asswhipping my opponent is about to receive.

Instead he calls me over and wants to discuss my deck. He says I've got 38 cards and though it sucks, there's nothing I can do (kinda like blueballs).

Guess there's a first for everything. Needless to say, I walk over and shake my opponent's hand and congratulate him on his win. Can you believe it was that bastard's only win of the day?

At this point, I have to 4-0 to make Day 2. I know I can do it... especially since the next round I get my first match win against none other than the much heralded and world renowned "BYE". I owned him.

I felt that my deck was a 2-1 deck, so considering it pulled a 1-2 I can't say I was all too pleased. The deck had some solid cards, but I knew the next draft would be better. I'd smash all the one-pump chumps who managed to win 10-man qualifers in Alaska and Zimbabwe. That said, there was an unexpected Pro Tour Champion at my table by the name of Justin Gary.

Give you one guess which judge was there at my table to kick me in the nuts just a little bit more? I jokingly ask The Powers, "So just to make sure I'm clear - what exactly are the match-lossable offenses while drafting?"

"Short of gross misconduct, pretty much nothing... except registering a 38 card deck."

That filthy slut!

Though it was funny that one of the scrubs decided that it would be a brilliant idea if everybody at the table continued to only draft Justin's colors. We all laughed heartily... and Justin laughed nervously. He wasn't quite sure if the entire table was laughing because it was a joke, or because it wasn't. Either way it doesn't matter because I finished higher than him as well. God I'm so fucking good at this game. Anyway, I guess they should have reprinted Cognivore in Mirrodin just so poor Justin could have a chance.

We start the draft and I'm Number 2. The guy to my right opens a solid artifact that I can't remember and Pentavus.

Obviously he takes the other card and the table groans at my 2nd pick Pentavus. Then I open my pack and decide that I might as well take the elephant and add it to my pile. Have I mentioned how good I am at Magic? The draft continues, and I just keep dropping my sack all over everybody's chins.

The table again groans when in the last pack, Justin in seat 8 opens up Spikeshot Goblin, some randomly okay artifact, and Clockwork Dragon. Give ya one guess who ended up running two 7cc rares.

It was clear that as long as my opponents didn't get an insanely fast draw, I'd rip them all a new one. Yes, all of them. New ones. Against my first opponent, this strategy works like a charm and he goes down like an Amsterdam hooker. Next opponent, first game I do the same thing again and finally know I'm on my way to Day 2 without a doubt. Games 2 and 3, however, do not go quite so well. In both, my opponent plays turn 2 Leonin Skyhunter and turn 3 Vulshock Battlegear and continues to beat me down harder than LA cops with nightsticks.

At this point, I figure I might as well play the last round. After all, that's what I came here to do and I'd not really had the opportunity to play many matches. For the final round, I was paired against somebody I had savagely beaten earlier in the day...

"BYE" didn't stand a chance against me.

Yeah, that's right. I played a total of 3 matches and finished with a 3-3 record. I had as many byes as I did actual losses. With the tournament over, I knew it was time to enjoy some of the better parts of the city. After all, I didn't need $30,000 to make good use of Amsterdam's finest... just don't tell my girlfriend.

Discuss this article in the Magic: the Gathering Forums!

Related Stories

• I Win E-League Tournament Without Attending
• Magic Retro: Bachmann's PTNY Tourney Report Rap
• Some Guy Finishes 40th at GP, Gets No Respect