Anytown, USA -- Baby Jesus began to cry and the Grinch's heart shrank two and a half sizes yesterday as a n00b obtained a copy of Adobe Photoshop and announced, "this is my first card." The n00b went on to admit that the card, which sources indicate was a graphical representation of a Homestar Runner joke combined with a line from Chapelle's Show taken out of context, sucks.

It is believed that text of the card was an existing and commonplace game mechanic. The mechanic was likely used in a mundane way slightly indicative of the subject of the parody. The flavor text is thought to be a reference to someone else's joke. N00b psychiatrist Dr. Irwin Hoenniger suggested that the flavor text was "a failsafe in case other forum users were unable to ascertain what, exactly, was being parodied from the card name." The card art is almost certainly a screen capture with its aspect ratio completely off, but otherwise unedited. "It's a commonly held belief that 'they'll know what it is, even if it's a little squat.' Completely ridiculous," added Hoenniger.

After his admission that the card was god awful, witnesses quoted the n00b as saying, "It's my first card, so it has to suck, amiright?"

No, a new study from Columbia University suggests that the first card one posts need not suck. Dr. Alan Russel led the study. "It was a real breakthrough when we realized that when you make a card, you don't actually have to post it," said Russel. "It was just one of those late-night 'what if we tried this?' moments that everyone in research has had at one time or another. I think it was Billy [White] who just said, 'What if they just didn't post cards that weren't funny or relevant?' We all sort of looked at each other for a minute and we knew we had an answer."

Dr. Russel and his team offer hope to a new generation. But to the people of Anytown, the sunset comes a little sooner and the stars are a little farther away at night. Time is the great consolation, though, and even dark days must pass.

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Anytown, USA -- Baby Jesus began to cry and the Grinch's heart shrank two and a half sizes yesterday as a n00b obtained a copy of Adobe Photoshop and announced, "this is my first card." The n00b went on to admit that the card, which sources indicate was a graphical representation of a Homestar Runner joke combined with a line from Chapelle's Show taken out of context, sucks.

It is believed that text of the card was an existing and commonplace game mechanic. The mechanic was likely used in a mundane way slightly indicative of the subject of the parody. The flavor text is thought to be a reference to someone else's joke. N00b psychiatrist Dr. Irwin Hoenniger suggested that the flavor text was "a failsafe in case other forum users were unable to ascertain what, exactly, was being parodied from the card name." The card art is almost certainly a screen capture with its aspect ratio completely off, but otherwise unedited. "It's a commonly held belief that 'they'll know what it is, even if it's a little squat.' Completely ridiculous," added Hoenniger.

After his admission that the card was god awful, witnesses quoted the n00b as saying, "It's my first card, so it has to suck, amiright?"

No, a new study from Columbia University suggests that the first card one posts need not suck. Dr. Alan Russel led the study. "It was a real breakthrough when we realized that when you make a card, you don't actually have to post it," said Russel. "It was just one of those late-night 'what if we tried this?' moments that everyone in research has had at one time or another. I think it was Billy [White] who just said, 'What if they just didn't post cards that weren't funny or relevant?' We all sort of looked at each other for a minute and we knew we had an answer."

Dr. Russel and his team offer hope to a new generation. But to the people of Anytown, the sunset comes a little sooner and the stars are a little farther away at night. Time is the great consolation, though, and even dark days must pass.

Discuss this article in the Magic: the Gathering Forums!

Related Stories

• Best Article Ever Written
• Rapist Gets Fresh Start in MiseTings Forum Community
• Gamer Writes One Millionth Unfunny Article About Kai Budde