Call to Arms #7: Chimichanga-wha..?

By: BobtheJunkie - February 08, 2005

. . . something that is exotic in the same way as chlamydia.

I haven't played Magic since the CoK pre-release. I just haven't cared. After Mirrodin, I wanted something new and fresh, something exotic, something so wondrous as to make me moist just by shuffling. What I got instead is something that is exotic in the same way as chlamydia. The only reason I'd be moist over the Chimchanga of Kalamari block is because an infection returned in force.

Let me say first that I came to like the Mirrodin block. If there had been a small lacking of a couple of cards, or maybe a change in how a specific ability worked, then Mirrodin would have EASILY been the best of all time, IMO. There are lots of cards with power and potential that will go unused, unrealized, because of the mistakes made in Mirrodin block's design. Some good cards, some powerful, some janky, all fun, and all unused. But I let that slide. I have those cards, and I try every blue moon or so to build janky decks with them, and have fun when I can. But I know that, like an ugly girl with great tits, their potential is wasted.

Even after the bullshit frame changes, and the artifact frame color snafu, those few things came out playable. So I dealt with it, and I've had my fun screwing the ugly girl in my spare time, but I still have my 4 vault Ninjas for when things get serious.

But I can't take the new block. It's too much; it feels too forced, like I'm being touched in the nono-place by a dark man in a darker alley for too few lollipops. There's just something not right about it. When I look at all the legendary creatures in the new Willywonka Block, I see an older set that has been made into a gimmick. If it was supposed to be a tribute, it at least rings true when you see that most of the legendary critters still inhale like an asthmatic having an attack. What's worse though, is that every time I see a legend that doesn't completely suck, that big fucking one-at-a-time rule slaps me around, berating me, ridiculing my thoughts. I see a green fatty for 4 that dances naked in my dreams, seducing me with pelvic thrusts, taunting me with his crude truths, "Hahaha, like your sister in church, I only LOOK like I don't suck!" It's just not right, I say. It's a crime against design, a miscarriage of implementation.

And then... Bushido! It has to be cool because it's Japanese, right? I have something to tell you about Bushido, folks, and that something is that the only creature that should have Bushido is a creature that also has trample. If your deck is built so your critters are blocking or being blocked, you're playing the wrong kind of game. Righteousness sucked the first time it was printed, kids. Get over it.

On a side note: it should tell you a little about the competency of the WotC Magic design team's playtesting and deckbuilding that the same guys who slap Righteousness or Giant Growth on a Samurai and call it lunch are the same guys who waited until AFTER the shit hit the fan with Skullclamp to grasp the complete obviousness of the card. 2+2=Math is hard, hyuk, hyuk.

Oh, yeah, I like the flip cards. They work just as advertised, every time, when I FLIP them into the fucking TRASH CAN.

But that's just the play mechanics. The style of the new cards gives me gas. I omit most of the art from this criticism however, because there are some really tasty pieces of eye-candy in this set. I've liked the different spirit cards the most I think; the "otherworldly" feel really comes out with the illustrations. The only real problem I have art-wise is with the snake people. Those aren't snakes, they're goddamned SPIDERS. Snake-folks would not have evolved arms to mimic Hindu gods. It's just NOT RIGHT, and whoever came up with that fucking idea needs a severe lashing. I know it's not the artists, it's some flaming, Starbuck's-swilling dooshbag art-director's fault (doosh is spelled right, assbandits). It's probably the same guy that everyone wanted to throttle once already over some Rebecca chick's job.

The real style offender, however, is the whole wannabe-Native-American naming scheme on these goddamned legends. Names that are already embarrassing to pronounce are followed by the equivalent of custom forum titles. "The Smiling Cat." "Death's Wail." "Heart of Oceans." Who comes up with this shit? Do they get D&D players high and secretly tape the gibberish? The only effort put into this was done when the interns stripped and held down the thesaurus while the creative lead taught it some trailer-park justice. I could replace the Japanese names with native names and themes and every card would still work.

"Tatanka, The Smiling Cat"
"Totem of the North Tree"
"Shuffles with Sleeves, Daughter of Sleeps With Men for Wampum"

It's pandering crap, designed less for flavor and more for winning-over the goddamned YuGiOh crowd. You mouth-breathers should be offended to play with this junk.

I just can't take it. I haven't bought any of these cards. I haven't even bought my traditional 4-ofs for commons and uncommons. I'm just that disappointed. Maybe that will change with the next block, I don't know. Maybe something will come along that doesn't make me miss Invasion.

And maybe I'll crap mint Beta Loti the next time I eat Chinese food, too.

To put the nail in the coffin of this rant, and really the two newest sets of our metaphorical cardboard cock-block, I give you my 100% accurate, poignant, review of CoK and BoK that says everything anyone really needs to say about them in two words:

Arcbound Ravager.

Send your hate to BobtheJunky@hotmail.com so I can sign you up for gay porn newsletters (unless you're gay, in which case you should kindly tell me so I can sign you up for Rush Limbaugh's newsletters instead).

And until next time, May you build a unique U/G deck for extended, just like everyone else.

Reverend Bob the Junkie